I don't love her

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
I don't love her
8
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 1:58am

OK, here it goes briefly. We're both married, 40, and W has been away for quite some time due to work.
She (AP) has said a few times on the phone that she loves me, and has even pressured me to say the same, which I reluctantly said. I have to add that we're not and never were, "keep in touch every day, text, email, phone, roller-coaster, etc." type. We just got together whenever we could in the last 4 months. Once a week, or once a month.
I thought we could keep that FWB status, but it seems I was wrong. I'm not the type th1at takes advantage of women, but I feel I have. On the other hand I don't have the guts to say that we're not on the same page. She hasn't brought up the love subject last time we talked, although she said that she misses me. (It's been 2 months since the last time we got together)
The other thing is that my availability period will end in a few months, so I was wondering if we should meet again at all or not. Somehow she wants to, and I'm tempted, but I think it would be easier for both of us in the long run if we don't meet again.
Comments?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2010
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 7:49am
Since youre feeling like you do, personally, I would not want to set up a meet. Its been a while since youve been together
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 9:11am

Hi Lannmann,



I agree with Tangledmess. She already seems to be very emotionally attached something that you don't want and your feelings aren't the same. I wouldn't further complicate things by seeing her again as that encounter will only make her want to see you more. I'd tell her exactly how I feel so that she's not left thinking you feel XYZ when you don't. Your availability period is going to end soon so maybe this is the best time to say goodbye and save you from any further frustrations.



Wishing you well!

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 1:25pm
I agree with tangled and Rayne. I do think she needs to know how you feel so that she can let go, but there would be no point in another meet. It would just make her feel used if you met up, had sex and then told her. Just be honest with her now so she can begin the process of grieving.

Proud to be a









You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2010
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 2:46pm
I would not meet her but, if you do tell her how you feel. It may change her ideas of the relationship. I made sure I told my AP how I felt and as I posted, she didn't feel the same emotionally as I felt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 6:57pm
I would tell her how your feel (nicely but clearly) and then let her choose if she wants to meet again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 8:02pm


Hi Everybody,

Thank you all for your support. I did talk to her gently, and honestly, and told her where I stand and told her to consider not meeting, since it would make it more difficult. She was quite fine with it, and said would like me to be happy and comfortable, whatever I choose. I also told her where I stand sexually, and we were on the same page. I also asked if she would be OK knowing this would be the last time, and she was fine with that too. I think we both wanted "closure" as janejosie put so nicely ;-)
Anyway, I asked her directly, and noticed from her tone of voice that she's not upset with me at all, and is not going to start grieving.
I'm so relieved now, thank you all again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 11:28am
I think it is really good that you were honest with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 6:30pm


Hello janejosie,

Thanks for the nice advice. This way I won't have any regrets, which reminds me of another experience that I still think about and wish I had acted better, although it was a different story ....
We live with our actions...
Nevertheless, I think As have different psychology, and not all of them fall into the roller-coaster type, which is a consequence of mentally substituting the spouse with the AP.

thanks again for your support