i'm a crazy lady

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2010
i'm a crazy lady
7
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 10:55pm

Hi MASers- I am posting after lurking around here for months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 11:03am

Hi Flylady,



No.. no rotten tomatoes here :-).. just fresh ones.. I think many of the posters here do know that "let's just keep it going as friends" is very wishful thinking, albeit sincere..



I think you have a very clear picture of where you both stand.. and that's a great place to make some decisions..



I'm a mm in an A w/ a mw.. the one thing I would like you to know is that, not in this A, but in the past, when I've been intimate, I would look at my partner "that way", but, for me, that only meant to convey the intimacy we shared at that moment, and not before or after.. in my mind and heart, we were friends, and that's how I looked at it.. at the moment of intimacy, especially when there's great chemistry, it comes natural to look "that way" because that's how I felt at the moment..



I think where you are now.. I'd keep the emotional aspect very low key.. basically because, whether he's there with you or not emotionally, once you go there, then where do you any further.. as a man, I'd rather enjoy the friendship and the intimacy, and not go to a place where there is no way past it.. for me, it is not the emotions that are the problem, it is the inability to take further action.. that once I get there, I'd be stuck.. so , why go there in the first place..



Welcome back to the board.. do keep us posted.. and, trust me.. those in As who share I love you's.. sometimes wish they'd take it back.. :-)..



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2010
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 6:29pm

Thanks, nevereasy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 8:44am

Welcome to MAS flylady!

Honestly, most of us here do not believe that it's possible to be friends with a former AP - not "just" friends anyway, there would probably always be a sort of EA that would go along with it. I'm sure at least some of us told you that, but you probably concentrated on the ones that said it was possible - we usually pay attention to the posts that tell us what we want to hear.

Glad you decided to post again, and I look forward to reading more from you!

BTW - does you name come from the famous "flylady" who helps everyone get organized and get their house clean? Love that website LOL!

Proud to be a









You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull



Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 8:59am

Hi flylady,



Just my 2 cents...When one person in the relationship finds that their feelings are changing, its a very difficult place to be in, for fear that the other persons feelings are the same as always. I can understand your apprehension in not wanting to say 'i love you' first. I honestly cant remember which one of us said it first. We began as FWB and in time it went to a EA and eventually to the PA and now LA ( love affair as I call it now) . In the many years that we have been together, we have tried a few times to go back to FWB or even just friends, but we have not been able to do that. We have a strong bond that brings us back to each other every time.



Its good that he began this with you by letting you know upfont he was in it for the sex. I think everyone thinks that can keep it that way, but honestly I find that hard to come by...feeling always show up! If those were the ground rules at the start, then you are the one who has changed and has feelings being stirred up. I might would try to keep them in and respect the ground rules, so to speak, if I could. What I might do is tell him that your feelings are changing but you realize that his are not and that you know nothing has changed in how he feels about the relationship, and that he need not worry about your feelings changing. You accept the ground rules as they still stand, but you just wanted to be honest and let him know how you are feeling. The last thing you want to do is have him think you are wanting him to feel like you are. He cant help it if he isnt. Afterall, he hasnt changed in how the relationship started. That way you can be honest but not scare him. KWIM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 3:32pm
Hello there...
I wanted to just say that I agree with the notion that once you have had the PA, "just friends" can be tried but it rarely never stays that way. I know from experience.. I have traveled that cycle a few times with my AP due to his guilt and faith issues. He had told me at one point that if it was too difficult for me (because I never wanted that) then he would understand if I could no longer have contact with him. Well, I did just that because it is honestly extremely difficult always wanting more..I couldn't do it anymore. But we have gotten back together because he misses me. Honestly, sometimes I wonder why I let him "play games" with my heart like that..not intentionally of course. The other complicated part of our R regarding emotions is the fact that we did have a highly EA also until our dday...now that we have reconnected he doesn't want things to progress emotionally. It has been very hard for me as I feel as much for him as I did before...how can he just lose the love he had, right?....
Take care of you..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 3:32pm

You've already gotten some great advice, and not sure I can really add much to it.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 8:19pm

Everyone,



I am so touched by all your messages sharing your experiences, that it literally brought me to tears.