What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2009
What to do?
5
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 10:15am

AP and I have one more day together before we both agreed our affair has to stop. We spent two days together last week and they were amazing. The last day we went on a road trip, when he asked me if I had fun I of course said yes. He agreed saying the day was perfect. He is scared of getting caught and of course is having moral issues. He knows I love him even though I haven't come right out and said it, the same goes for him. I have been pretty quiet in all this as far as what I wanted. He has admitted he doesn't know where his life is headed, and has told me before that if his marriage ever ends he is coming looking for me. He said I was the perfect woman for him, if only things could be different.

I am really confused as to whether I should tell him exactly how I feel and that I don't want to lose him, or let him go without saying too much and see if he comes back. His plan is for us to stop the physical and keep up the chatting. My dh doesn't know we talk right now (they are friends), he thinks we have stopped because of things happening over the summer. I want our friendship back out in the open so we are free to talk and hang out like we used to. Not so I can use that to try to get the affair going, but just because we are really great friends first. I love him with all my heart, I need to figure this out before Monday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 12:01pm
My AP are friends also, so I want to try to reply to your question but first say I don't have all the answers at all. Just my own experience.
Each of you has to find a balance between the attraction and benefits of your connection and the true risks involved. And you cannot ask the other person to exceed their risk tolerance; that's basic A courtesy as far as I'm concerned.
It is very hard (at times horrible) when one person needs to back off when the other needs them. That is one of the true risks of A's. A lot of relationships are like that: one person can do ABC while the other cannot.
From my experience with my AP the 'love' part of what's happening is real and doesn't need to be discussed to be more real. I'd keep the drama level lower and not make a disclosure.
My other observation from true experience is that A's have a life of their own: even when two people agree on what it 'should be' it is simply what it is.
You are like me: keeping communication when your H thinks there is none. Keep it this way.
Honestly, if I were you I'd be glad for the continuing contact via chatting, accept the 'backing off' concept about the PA and let it be. Things change over time; and if you guys have a good connection and care enough about each other's lives not to be mindful and careful of the impact of your A on others you love...realistically chances are the A will continue and this is a phase that you are both going through.
Good luck and be careful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 10:41pm

I love so much of what cove said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 5:23pm

Hello there Lost...
Your other posters I agree with in much they say... If the R you have with him is as special to the two of you as it seems, he will most likely not stay apart from you long. As I know the cycle well...my AP also has very deep seated moral issues with our R and we have "ended" it several times due to this. We have reconnected on friendly terms, however it seems to inevitably return to where it was. It has not returned the the LA it once was prior to our dday because he states he can not give himself to me as he did in the past. If you truly feel as if you love him you may regret not telling him so. Be prepared for what might not be what you want to hear though. I have told my AP that I had fallen in love with him before (as he had said I love you also)and that would never change, however his response has been "what is love" and "I have deep feelings for you" because at this point he will not let himself go there again. It is very hard not to hear verbally the feelings they may have for you, but it's something I think most of us deal with and struggle with. Go with your instinct...and don't look back with regrets..I know better said than done though as is many issues when dealing with these R of ours.

I wish you all the best and many hugs.
Btw, Jane, what was your AP's response?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 12:31pm

Honestly, I don't think you'll ever be able to have things "out in the open" ever again in terms of talking to AP and H knowing about it.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 1:33pm

Thanks for all the advice ladies. I have rehearsed what I am going to say if it comes up, if not I am going to keep it to myself. He knows I am in love with him, he said I am at one point in conversation and I agreed. He knows exactly how I feel so I'm not sure there is much sense saying it again when he is the one feeling the guilt. I think that might only drive him further away. I'll see him this afternoon, then 3 times tomorrow, then just the regular stuff after that. I think we will still see each other alone but nothing sexual is planned to happen. When he hasn't seen me in a while he is the one to say he needs to see me, I guess time will tell how long it's going to last, he was also the one that said we could never get this far, I"m crossing my fingers it's not the end. Either way, the affair will continue, just not in the same degree.

As far as not letting my dh know we are talking, I will be. I'm telling my dh we did a few things together while he was gone. I know that sounds like certain death but it's not. It's nothing for us to get together any other time, just that times didn't jive one time and dh got mad because he caught me lying about how much time we spent together. His wife is jealous of me, and my dh knows we get along a little too well, but our relationship has always been like that. I"ve told my husband he's one of my best friends, he knows we do a lot together, I'm not really too worried about it. Last week we all three planned to go the movie, dh couldn't go, he wanted me and AP to go alone. We ended up not going, but he has trust in both of us.