How Important is Sex?
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How Important is Sex?
| Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:14am |
AP told me a month or so ago (in regards to my own M, though I think he was referring to his own, as well) that sex isn't that important.

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So how important should sex be in a relationship?
I think this is very individual. All of us have varying needs for sex. Some run very high in testosterone (and believe me, it's humbling to find out, when your hormones wane a bit, that things you thought were "you" were really just your hormones - but that's for a different board!) and sex is extremely vital. As vital as any other part of the relationship. Others aren't as "driven". When it becomes a problem is when the two people in the relationship have different needs sexually. There is a board for that too here - called "mismatched libidos". People have the perception that it's always the man with the higher sexual needs but I think it's actually much closer to 50/50 than people realize.
So sex should be as important in a relationship as the one who wants "more" of it wants it to be, and if the two people are not on the "same page", there are things they can do to compromise.
When I married my H, I knew I was not as "attracted" to him as I was to other boyfriends I'd had. But people convinced me that that part of the marriage was not nearly as important as his good qualities - he is responsible and caring and a good provider and was very much in love with me. We have a lot in common and have fun together. He is VERY attracted to me. But for me, I should not have married him. If I was a less sexually driven person it would have been enough and I think we would have had a better marriage.
So, again, it's very individual as to how important sex should be in a relationship.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
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How important is sex in a relationahip?
Considering my divorce was due to lack of sex, I guess sex is indeed important to me.. And, considering I almost ended up in a similar place in my current marriage, sometimes I ask myself if I am indeed a sex addict..
But, for me, the act, the release and all, though fun, has never been what I focused on, or held as important.. but "giving",pleasing.. for me, that's addictive.. and the excitement of the "before", and soft moments of the "after", the joking, the intimacy, the teasing.. or just enjoying the moment.. being there and talking about anything and everything.. or listening..
And, I think, that's one reason for my seeking and staying in my A, that, I don't have that at home.. and, that closeness, that intimacy, is indeed very important to me..
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I agree with the others that this is a highly individual thing. I know it's important to me, but I also MUST have an emotional connection or the sex part just doesn't matter to me...don't know if that makes sense...I want it because I want to be close, not so much the actual "act", although that is nice, too ;)
I've come across this MANY times in reading, and I even heard Dr. Phil say it (so you KNOW it must be true..LOL!!): Good sex in a relationship is only about 10% of that relationship, but bad sex is 90% of a relationship. I take that to mean that if a relationship is pretty great AND sex is good...it's not such an issue. BUT, if that's something that is important to one or both and it's not happening satisfactorily, then it becomes
For my situation the sex is very important. i have a very high drive.In my M, it was always amazing. the problem is the cheating my H did on me in the early years, the arguing & fighting, and being unappreciative. after years of this i lost love & have nothing left w/ emotion towards my H. the act of sex is necessary to keep up the "act" of the good Wife. i dont hate it, its really great, but its hard to enjoy something great when you dont like the person. as the years have gone on, my H has either given up the idea of several times a week or gotten an AP of his own, cause we only are together 1 week.
My AP gives me great sex. its not amazing, but i am teaching him. he had many partners before but not the "skills" of a great lover. its interesting how much he was thinking his sexlife at home was fine. him and his W are together about 2-3 times a month! (me & AP are intimate at least 1-2 week!) he had gotten use to only few times a month w/ W and the lack of "fire" in the bedroom. when i came along i opened up a whole new side of sex he didnt know was real. his W didnt even know if she was having orgasms! if you have to question then you are not! and he knows what he is doing, so it must be her. aside from the sex, AP is extremely affectionate and emotional guy. he's very giving and romantic. i forgot what that was like.
Sex is important to me. However, AP and I aren't having sex. We have messed around, but no sex.
I very much agree with nevereasy. It isn't the actual release itself, I can do that myself!, it is the before, the giving, the teasing, the touching. It is everything that leads up to the actual act itself.
And I also don't have that at home. H and I have sex maybe once every 2-4 weeks depending on his mood. I obviously take care of things if need be, but I absolutely crave everything that makes me want to take care of those things and AP gives me that.
Sex with H used to be amazing, and he is still a good partner when we actually have sex, he's good in the fact that I always finish, but for the past few years he has been so detached when we are having sex I don't even enjoy having sex with him. I guess in that sense I am much like lasvegasdiva in that I put on the "good wife act". When your husband rejects you for so long intimately, physically and emotionally you pretty much lose all love you once had for him. Our T told us a few weeks ago we need to learn to love each other again. I came home that night, put forth the effort and was completely turned down. Makes you not want to do it.
So I guess after all that rambling - it isn't just the act of sex that is important to me, it is EVERYTHING that leads up to the act. The teasing, touching, descriptions, actions, making out, fondling, everything that goes along with it that drives you wild until you can't take any more!
This is a very good subject another!
I've given this a lot of thought, more times than I can count. In my particular case, I do believe that sex, and/or the lack thereof, is the sole mitigating factor that caused my A to become possible.
"Marriages all over the world are in stalemates due to problems in the bedroom" So true another!
I remember when I met my H, I fell in love with him just as quickly as I did with AP....but it was very different. It wasn't a sexual thing with H, it's really rather hard to explain actually. I do remember not being exactly enthralled with our lovemaking, even from the very beginning. However it didn't seem to really matter because I loved him.
Sex, in one way or another, has had huge impacts on my adult life. Being a rape survivor, I eventually convinced myself that sex meant very little, and that I could do very well without it. I only ever had one enjoyable sexual R before I was M, and after that BF and I broke up....I kind of went boy crazy, trying to find someone to love and enjoy having sex with too. It just never happened. I had been celibate for two years when I met H, and although the sex wasn't great...it really didn't matter all that much me, or so I thought! Obviously something was wrong, as evidenced by my first two A's. Only I wasn't willing to admit it. The first A lasted about a month, and the second one was a ONS (there were seven years between each).
lasvegas,
You are cracking me up, lol
boston- glad you could laugh...its always great for someone to smile on something you said. :) have good rest of the day!
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