the weight of it all ...
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the weight of it all ...
| Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:10pm |
AP's situation with work and home has changed a lot ... first he went from overnights to days so while we used to text a lot over night he now goes to bed at 8 because he has to get up at 4 ... But when we reconnected over a year ago he was on the day shift as well. Where he was located was very slow and he had constant access to FB so we chatted a lot and texted a lot ... then he moved locations and was in a vehicle but we were still able to text quite a bit. Well texting while driving just recently became illegal here (and I know it's unsafe) and the the location that he rotates out of blocked fb access as well as came down really hard on people for being on the phone ... not to mention that his W cut back hours at work so they are together a lot more ... soooo ... we went from constant communication to very little. It has gotten to me ... He still texts good morning almost every morning but can't really text throughout the day anymore ... day shift is much busier than night shift ... I originally felt like he was pulling away from me and he got more than angry, he got IRATE ... He said i was putting too much pressure on him and his circumstances had changed drastically ... I tried to explain to him that I wasn't angry just a little sad because I missed him ... He said it bothers him too but there is nothing he can do about it so he just deals with it and doesn't dwell on it. We are still and always will be 'best friends' ... that's what he refers to me as ... Sometimes I just really wish that we could actually just be 'best friends' ... and the weight of having to always be a secret and find time hidden away somewhere gets to be a lot ... I expressed that to him today and he gets it and said he feels it to but that this was the path we chose knowing that this was the way it had to be ... We are 'intimate' in some not so convenient places ... which to an extent is exciting but today I felt like I was doing a walk of shame as I walked out alone ... I mean no one was around but he got paranoid that someone would see us together ... We were arguing quite a bit today which was the reason we got together and i think being intimate today was probably not the best choice ... but we were both pretty emotionally charged ... I went from crying to ... well ... in a very short time ... and when I was leaving I actually felt pretty empty ... not the way I usually feel. He says I just have to have faith in us and I know that for this to work I do ... But I feel this huge disconnect right now and everything just feels like it's too much ... Anyway ... maybe that was just a vent but i needed to say it somewhere and this is really the only place i can ...

Hugs to you sweety and hope today is a better day for you both. Sometimes we have our ups and downs and maybe this is just one of those times for you. I'm sure he feels a lot of pressure right now so just give him some space and hopefully things will come around soon.
Wishing you well!
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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mrm,
I'm reading the boards right now because I'm in this phase you describe: AP is too busy for me this week and I am feeling neglected.
Sigh.
What you describe is one of the realities of A life. The 'real' life demands for AP can change and flux and we have no choice in the matter because the primary commitments of their lives are not the A.
So this is a test of your feelings for him. Do you respect him, his commitments? It's a test of the A; is it agreeable to you to be on these terms ('squeeze me in if you can maybe sometime that is likely never').
It sounds like you have a strong foundation in the A, as in he can state an expectation that you trust him: that he is actually truly busy and his non-availability is not about you.
My AP and I have had enough communication at this point to be clear: the desire to be together is there; the limitations of RL are such that we cannot be. Call it frustrated passion. Personally, being desired by my AP is a really big deal for me, so having that clarified is really important to me (perhaps even more important than being together at times, but I'll save that thought for another time).
It sounds like you are thrust into this interim of re-evaluating and that's not a bad thing. Keep a kind heart for yourself, your AP and everyone involved.
Last feedback: re walk of shame. None-such in my books. We have to go through and walk through all of our experiences with our eyes wide open and hearts pounding to figure out what is next for us.
Good luck.
I think you got some great advice from cove.
There are already so many restrictions for most of us in regards to our A's, and it can seem almost unbearable at times when more restrictions come along.
anotherseyes
It is so nice to know that someone else if feeling the same way.