major trig view with discretion

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
major trig view with discretion
14
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 7:23pm

I've been manic all day. ive done something terrible. im so ashamed of my self. i contacted an old boyfriend and started something i shouldnt have. i don't know how to say this but i wanted to have sex with him in the worst way. we ended having cybersex. all the old feelings are creeping back where i want to have sex all the time....but not with my DH. im so embarrased. i don't know if we can talk about these things here. ive never seen a post like this.

it got so bad i started ordering all these clothes from catalogues i mean alot of stuff, just to take the edge off. needless to say, now he wants to see me and have sex. i want to so bad. i love my DH and could never hurt him that way but its getting hard to control.

thats my story. i hope i didn't offend anyone. im so wound up even a sedative didnt help. i will say that i didn't make any plans to be with him but im sure u can imagine how frustrated i am. gee whiz what to do what to do!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 8:33am

Hey there...I must say that you're preaching to the choir here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 9:27am

thanks keli. i feel much better today but i can feel the lust lurking in the backround. i don't even know why i emailed him in the first place. we dated all through high school and he was my first. we were supposed to get married but old BP reared its ugly head and i turned into a real sl****t. started doing drugs, u know the drill.

ive decided if he emails me today i won't respond. im shaking all over right now trying to get some kind of control. i dont need anything else to trigger me lord knows!
my email address is omeomi_9@hotmail.com

valerie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:28am

Ya know, I used to be like that up until I got married and I never thought to attribute it to a mania phase, too young to think about things like that I suppose. There is no need to be embarassed, things happen and I totally can relate and understand what you did. I agree w/ the others, Call your dr and explain the situation, maybe they can help you out.


Best of luck to you

Hugs & Prayers,


Danielle


Hysterectomy & Alternatives


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhhyster


"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown

Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 12:05pm

i think keli, valerie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 12:55pm

I don't know you, but I'm going to pretend for a moment that you're my friend and spill my guts...

Don't run from this! Yes...this is just as much a trigger as anything else. Yes...this can be just as dangerous as any other expression of your manic phases. This can ruin your life.

How do I know...yikes. This part is difficult for me, but I want to tell you or anyone else out there because there is no reason for anyone to suffer like I have. For me, I think I can trace a flirtatious attitude way, way back, and really for no good reason. I had been with my dxh since I was 14, and while we never had a great relationship, I can't say it was the worst either. We were just immature and very young when we got married (one baby already, two others by the time I was 22). Where I started to see what I now know as symptoms of BP more severely and more frequently than ever before wasn't until a doctor said I was depressed and prescribed Prozac. BAD MOVE. The Prozac threw me into an almost constant manic state. I already had problems with money (I had bounced hundreds of checks during our marriage.) Now I found I had problems with sex. I went from no interest to constant interest. I found myself having inappropriate email conversations with mail co-workers, not really caring that I could be found out at any time by the IT department. I had issues with the "m-word" (those of you who also have this issue know what I mean), doing it wherever and whenever, including while I was driving 70mph down the freeway. I started an affair with a co-worker that lasted about a year, using my involvement with community service organizations as an excuse to get out of the house, in addition to any other reason I could find. I started writing elaborate fictional short-stories to turn this guy on, which ended up taking HOURS AND HOURS away from my home and family. I cybered constantly. I did it over the phone too a couple of times. I met with men that I chatted with online within 24 hours of having first contact with them in order to...well, you know. I can't tell you the number of times I lied or the number of times I put myself at risk meeting with strangers and having unprotected sex.

Where does that leave me now? I didn't have a BP diagnosis until after all of this had happened. In fact, that didn't arrive until the day after my dxh kicked me out after almost 17 years of marriage. I lost everything, including my 3 children and the respect of many people. I lost all hope.

My point to all of this is that you NEED to get help. Don't fool yourself into believing that it would be "only just this one time". If it weren't him, there more than likely would be someone else. You said it yourself...you said "it got so bad i started ordering all these clothes from catalogues i mean alot of stuff, just to take the edge off". You substituted one manic symptom for another. That doesn't mean that it went away. If that man were there with you and were offering himself, you would have taken it. Honestly, it might not have even mattered if you thought you'd get caught. Do something about this quickly or you could end up with some stalker, or worse yet, end up with AIDS. I know that sounds extreme, but I'm just talking from my own personal experience. Having to go get tested for STD's and HIV is one of the most humiliating things in the world to have to do.

Please pretend for a moment that I am your friend sitting here with tears in my eyes. Do this for me...please?

~Dawn

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 1:30pm

((((((((dawn)))))))

im sitting here with tears in my eyes too! im so frustrated. i absolutely hate myself. and to top it all off, i didnt even get an email from him today. ive been on and off the computer all morning, waiting for him to email me! can you say OCD? i left a very explicit email for him last nite. i am so out of control. my hands are shaking. ive never cheated on my husband, ever. if he only knew how many of his friends i've had sex with before we got married, it would devastate him. this was years before we even met. when i see them and they come over the house regulary, i imagine the times we did it and think about doing it again. ive reasons to make myself known to them when they come over by touching their leg wearing low cut shirts etc...

im sitting here waiting for this fool to email me and getting more and more upset because he hasn't. when i look in my email inbox i hope and then dread for his email. not to be gross but i M-word all day yesterday, in fact we did it together.

you would think i would want to have sex with my DH but i wanted no part of him. im so stupid, i gave "S" we'll call him my home phone # AND my cell. ive called my pdoc and she told me to call my tdoc but ive just started seeing him 2 weeks ago and im not comfortable bringing this up since we havent touch on this part of my BP yet. ive been taking a sedative but it makes me so out of it i cant get anything done around the house.

my next visit with tdoc is next weds. i don't think i can prevent what will happen if i hear from or see "S"

please pray for me, right now im not responsible for what may happen.

I thank everyone who has responded to my cry for help. i am so twisted.

valerie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 1:49pm

((((((((((Valerie)))))))))), you're not twisted, you're just ill (and I mean that in the medical sense). This is a direct expression of the manic side of BP, so I'm kinda surprised your pdoc blew you off like that. The meds **can** help this situation. I would call back and push the point. This pdoc **can** help this to not happen.

I can totally understand what you mean about the e-mail thing. I would be sitting at work checking every ten minutes! We would even IM at work, which got me in the HR office one time. I almost lost my job. Trust me...you aren't alone.

Please Valerie...do whatever you can to avoid talking to him or meeting with him. It may help to take his addy out of your address book or off your buddy list if you have one. If you don't see his name anywhere, you'll be a little less tempted. Find somebody else to talk to in order to fill that void. Do whatever you have to!

And just from my personal experience, it wouldn't matter if you had an active sex life with DH or whatever. Your body gets a chemical high from the endorphines produced by the thrill and the risk of this other relationship. The only way to get that to go away is to keep yourself from situations that also give you that "high".

(((big hugs))),
Dawn

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 1:56pm

(((((Valerie))))),


Okay Sweetie, you've had a slip--I've BTDT, but at this point nothing has happened that's not correctable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 2:30pm

((((((Marcie))))) i want to do all those things but i CAN"T! to cancel those orders would put me over the edge and im hanging on a cliff right now. to take him off my email list would be like cutting off an arm! i want to do everything you said... why can't i just DO IT? i like the fact that someone is still interested in me sexually i like the way new clothes feel on my body. its a sickness i know. i took a sedative just for the hell of it. i guess i'll just have to be tired all day.

my girfriend said that im focusing on the fact of things that happened years ago and how do i know it would still be that good? then i would have to contend with the guilt feelings which would definately acerbate my mania and/or depression.

i dont mean to get really deep but he was the best sex ive ever had and boy have i had alot of sex. and im thinking it would be just as good. my girlfriend said it would probably be terrible anyway and to take it out on my DH if it gets really bad LOL!

by listening to you guys i do have a better perspective on things. at least ive stopped shaking!

thank you all once again and if anyone has any more ideas keep em coming. just hearing your voices have calmed me down tremendously. i thank you all from the bottom of my corrupt heart!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 2:39pm

There is nothing we can tell you that will take that feeling away. You have to evaluate for yourself what the repercussions would be. Even though they might not happen right away, there will be repercussions some day if you follow through with this. Are you prepared for that? Right now you might not care, but some day you will. I know what you mean about physically not being able to do those things Marcie suggested, but they are important. You have a choice here. You either take control of the BP or it will control you. It's that simple. Think of the worst possible thing that could happen and act accordingly. Whatever you have to do, do it. I know that you are wondering and waiting and the urge is uncontrollably strong. That's what I mean by **it** controlling you. It's like an alcoholic standing outside the door of a bar with a friend saying "why don't you come in and sit beside me while I have a drink". It's the same for you, but with a different drug of choice.

I hope you can stay strong...

Dawn

 

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