Amanda/Schitz ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Amanda/Schitz ?
3
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:41pm

Amanda,


I haven't seen anything from you recently and the last one I saw things were going kind of rough.

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: cl_kcisis
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 5:28pm

Wow, thanks for thinking about me (((Marci)))

I've been here but I guess I haven't been posting, in my mind I have been but I guess I really haven't been able to come up with much to say.

Last time I posted I think I said I was on the upswing. I really don't know now. I haven't been paying attention to my moods long enough to know what is coming or my triggers. At the same time I had a major slip with the SI and had another rough night of SU thoughts. I really don't know if that would mean I'm depressed or dysphoric. I know I was angry not sad. Then I though "No, I am crazy, I'm not in either phase" then "No, not even that, I'm not bipolar. I can't be. It's just the manifestation of the BPD". Even contributing more to my *not knowing* is today I felt like I was in slow motion, underwater or something and at one point in the day *it wasn't real* I *know* I was dreaming. Nothing felt real. I didn't feel real. God I wish I knew how to ground myself when that happens. Losing touch with reality... bad sign. Normally my psychotic features manifest during the manic phase and they are voices that I've had *forever* for the most part. Last week it was malevolent spirts. Everywhere. Ahh! But if this is psychotic, I'm not manic. I can't be if I was moving in such slow motion. I felt lost. Nothing was familiar. Everything was muddled like walking through a haze. The world was going on around me oblivious to me. I knew I wasn't real. The voices were far off and indistinguishable.

Did I imagine it? Am I psychotic?

Am I even bipolar?

I'm seeing the psychologist tomorrow and I'm anxious. I've only seen her once so still don't have a relationship with her and not sure what I want her help on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: cl_kcisis
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 2:15pm

Amanda,


I'm glad you're okay, when "Mama" doesn't here from the "kids" she starts to worry.

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: cl_kcisis
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 12:01am

lol... okay "mama" :)

I have met with the psychologist before but it was only once and I wasn't even sure if it was going anywhere. Today's meeting was okay. Group was okay. It was our last meeting. Maybe I'll post later. I've got to go (go, go, go).

Hugs,

Amanda

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