Outta sight, Outta mind or Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2010
Outta sight, Outta mind or Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
5
Wed, 10-06-2010 - 11:41am

So, my AP and I visits have been downgraded to once every 3 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010

Only you can decide what you can handle, and what's best for you.

My situation is a bit similar to yours in that AP and I have been friends for many years (over 20), we dated at one point, and then became friends again.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009

interesting dilemma.. hmmmm...

well, the one aspect of this is.. what do you tell AP?.. if you hide this from him, how does that make you feel in terms of the value of your friendship with him? does he have a right to know? if so.. when should he know? what should he know?..

Another question.. for a future possible D-day on his end.. at this point.. is it worth it?.. isn't it better for him as well just to keep things on a friendly basis? and set you "free"..

I agree with you that, even though you might not think committment, it'd be better to find someone that you can spend more time with, and more importantly, without the restrictions.. you deserve that.. and in your shoes, I would explain all this to the AP and see what his take on it is.. I am sure he's thought about all this on his own already but just didn't yet tell you what his thoughts are on the matter..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2010
Thanks for the replies. I appreciate all of the perspectives and I did consider some of these scenarios. I have thought of how to discuss what my new single status will do to the arrangement with AP. I wanted to broach it at our November meeting or wait until my D is final. Because we started this as a MUTUAL escape from problem marriages, so if the problem marriage is defunct on either side then we have an unbalanced cart. How would we handle this new situation?
He is an intelligent man, so I'm sure he's thought about this but we haven't put it on the table.
As far as another Dday is concerned, he says he would never initiate a divorce cuz he grew up in a bad stepfamily situation, but if his wife did it, he wouldn't be devastated. When he had the first Dday, she was ready to leave but I had to convince her we were only friends and that I didn't want him. He never expressed remorse for the emails she'd found. He told he was sorry that it hurt her feelings but that he turned to emotioally because she was emotionally unavail to him. The three of us spoke via conference call for 2 hrs. I told him to be more remorseful, I even offered to take the brunt of the blame and say I was pursuing him unilaterally but he refused and said he had no regrets so he would not downplay our connection, and he didn't. Anyway, I'm not sure what another Dday would do to their marriage and certainly don't want to be in the middle again.
Well, we'll meet in November and take it from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007

I agree with a lot that both Another and Never has said to you Ivy.

Why not just play it by ear right now?

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
well put!