Hi, and question about triggers
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| Wed, 03-16-2005 - 4:35pm |
Hi, sorry to hear some of you are having a bad time of it too...I'm not doing so well either. I have a major exam coming up on Friday that I know very little for...and everyone around me is spending many hours a day studying. I've missed class and not kept up at all, and I can't seem to get the motivation or energy even to do a good last-minute cram session (which I used to be able to do). I'm kind of worried about what will happen since I feel no anxiety about the test...that's not normal for me...I just don't seem to care.
I was talking with a friend and saying I was worried about this test...and her question was, "what HAVE you been doing if you haven't been studying or coming to class?". Didn't have much to say to that...she asked it in a friendly, kind of joking way, but still...I realized I'm doing a very half-hearted, poor job of even pretending to be a motivated med student!
But I know class and studying aren't the most important things in the world, so sorry to go on about that. I wanted to ask a question about something that I think may be triggering...some thoughts that have scared me recently...but I'm not sure if it's OK or appropriate. I know that's not much info to go on...I just feel like I could use some advice figuring this out, but don't want to cause anyone more stress.
Sorry to be so vague...
Rose

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I don't know what you want to say that might be triggering or inappropriate, so I can't tell if it would be, but if you want to email me privately, wiccan_amethyst_jean@hotmail.com or msn messenger kookaburah@hotmail.com.
Amanda
(Possible triggers)
Thanks, Amanda...I'm up late surfing the net, trying to study, and checking the board for any answers since I've been feeling so lost. Thanks so much for your offer to let me email you...I just don't want to trigger you either! I guess I really don't have to go into a whole lot of detail, though...just the usual bad thoughts, just stronger than usual, and combined with a sense of impulsivity that makes me wonder how likely I am to act on these thoughts.
Hope that wasn't too much. Fortunately tonight I've only been impulsive enough to go get junk food out of the vending machine and eat it after I've been trying to diet all day... makes me feel worse about myself, but I guess it's not too damaging.
It just seems with a lot of things that-- once I get a thought in my head to do something, even like eat junk when I'm not hungry-- I absolutely can't keep myself from doing it. I didn't use to think I was very impulsive (an old tdoc once tentatively diagnosed me with borderline personality based mainly on just one incident, but I didn't think I had the impulsiveness for it, among other things)...but I guess I am.
So my worry has been that my impulsivity will extend to these "bad" thoughts. I have been pretty functional lately, and even managed to appear OK in public (I think, at least!), so it sometimes seems like these thoughts are coming out of nowhere, although I know there are triggers. But I guess that is what's meant by the idea that something really is wrong in my brain...although I have trouble believing that.
Sorry to ramble. I guess my main question has to do with how you can be relatively sure you are "safe" when these thoughts are so clear and you're feeling impulsive. I don't think I need to go into the hospital...my main motivation right now is just to make it through finals...and I couldn't even tell you why I've been feeling so bad.
Unfortunately my pdoc left to go out of town today...and she just changed my med doses back to what I was taking before...so I guess I will try to white-knuckle it and hang in there. Sorry again if this was on the verge of triggering...I'm really trying to avoid that. I guess I'm really doing OK overall...hope you are as well...thanks so much for your post...it was comforting to see since nighttime is usually the worst for me.
Rose
Edited 3/17/2005 1:49 pm ET ET by rosa444
I too am doing the exact same thing right now. Just got home from work and trying to do homework and check my boards and I will likely start painting my mask. It's hard to negotiate my manic drive with what I'm supposed to be trying to do...and that is sleep, before I end up psychotic and in the hospital. Well I technically think I am psychotic already but whatever.
The feelings are because you are overwhelmed. It's hard to understand them because the moment they come up there isn't something that has just made such a reaction.
Two things will help with feeling overwhelmed and that is one to get some work done, that will relieve some of the anxiety because things are getting accomplished and the other is to let yourself relax and schedule some "me" time
I am such a hippocrite but I really am working on that (started this with my disability counsellor last week)
When you are feeling bad and impulsive you will know when you are starting to lose control of it. When trying every other coping mechanism doesn't help. That's when you do need to go to a hospital, or at least call a help line. If you are unsure of whether you are safe, play it safe and go to the hospital or start with the helpline and see where things go from there.
You are special. I hope you know that.
Amanda
Rose,
Hey hon...sorry you're going through such a tough time right now...something is in the atmosphere, i guess...I've had a VERY rough 10 days...but my lithium was decreased by half and I am starting to feel better today...maybe...lol.
As for your post with triggers, post away...just be sure to put TRIGGERS!!!
Amanda, thanks so much...I hope you managed to get some sleep last night...let me know how you're doing. I think you're right that a lot of this could be related to feeling overwhelmed...it's just scary sometimes how that feeling comes out!
I'll try to work on the things you suggested...and I don't consider you a hypocrite at all, just someone dealing with a similar problem. I really appreciate it.
Hope you're having a good day,
Rose
(TRIGGERS in this post)
Thanks, Keli...I'm sorry you're struggling right now too...hope that your med change will do the trick. Thanks for being willing to listen to my "triggers"...I did end up posting a toned-down version of my question/problem (without the details of the images) in post #3 of this thread. I'll go back to it and add the word "triggers," though, just in case.
To sum it up, I've been getting these strong images or urges (especially at night) that I feel like I *could* act on...not that I will, but just that it's hard to restrain myself. I'm wondering if this is just anxiety (like a milder form of an OCD obsession that you could do something wrong, even though you would never do it...does that make sense?), or something more serious.
Especially since I do tend to act on impulse, mostly with food, but also a while back when I took too many pills without thinking much about it. When I act impulsively, it's almost like I don't know what I'm doing...so that made me a little scared that I would act on these bad thoughts before I realized the serious consequences.
Thanks again for listening...hope you are feeling a little better...and I hope this post didn't trigger you.
Hugs,
Rose
Rose!
(((Rose)))
I got two hours sleep last night. I got through the day. Not exactly how I planned but I made it through. I may post later, haven't decided yet. I need to go do some work first.
How are you doing?
hugs,
Amanda
Keli, thank you...it's such a relief to know I'm not the only one who's experienced this kind of thing, although of course I wish you didn't have to! My pdoc is out of town, unfortunately...and even when she's there, it's impossible to talk to her directly (her receptionist handles all communication, one of the things I didn't like about her before, but I have limited options where doctors are concerned).
But fortunately I am feeling somewhat better, at least for the moment...I had my first final exam today and it went better than I'd expected, and so I've been keeping busy studying. Still, those images/thoughts were really scary...I may come on over to the SI board if that's OK, even though I'm not sure I could read many triggering posts right now myself (and I always feel guilty for only posting and not replying!).
Thanks again so much,
Rose
((Amanda))...wow, only two hours sleep, it must be so difficult to make it through the day. You should take some of mine...I think I slept 10 or so hours recently, and that was when I had finals to study for! Sorry, not too funny...
I really hope you're doing better today, or at least hanging in there,
Hugs,
Rose
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