Therapist ended therapy...triggers
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| Fri, 03-25-2005 - 10:11am |
Hi, I posted this on the depression board, hope it's OK to repost here as an update. Just got finished with my last final exam, and while everyone else is up celebrating and drinking, I am worried about what the lack of distraction now will lead to! Oh well, guess I'm glad I'm done at least...and that the prof made this exam basically a copy of last year's, so my trouble studying didn't hurt me!
Yesterday I had a therapy appointment, and it didn't go so well. I filled out the depression scale/test my pdoc has me fill out each session, and after looking at it, she told me she just didn't feel like I was making progress with her, since I was still so severely depressed...that maybe I was skeptical of her method, or maybe my depression was just too profound for it to make a difference. I was glad she was honest, though.
So we decided not to meet anymore...she gave me the name of an institute in town that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy...although I doubt my insurance will cover it, but I'll check into it. And she said she'll talk to my psychiatrist (currently out of town) about the situation...one big thing, she asked if anyone had mentioned ECT to me before and talked about it as a possibility.
Not so sure what I think about that...at this point, I'm pretty much willing to try anything, although the memory loss aspect of it is worrisome. But what is odd to me is that I don't think anyone who knows me (even my parents) thinks of me as severely depressed...I guess I have learned to act pretty "normal"...so the idea of talking to my parents about ECT when I have pretty upbeat conversations on the phone with them seems very awkward, almost like I've been lying to them all this time.
Oh well, I guess I'll cross that bridge if I come to it...my pdoc hasn't mentioned ECT, so it may not even be a consideration at all...plus with my insurance, and my parents' thinking of ECT as in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"! One last thing, and I hope this doesn't trigger anyone...the therapist did ask me if I thought I was "safe," and I said "at the moment" and then managed to change the subject. I mentioned the fact that I've been having self-destructive images but reassured her that I wouldn't act on them...
But before I'd even left the building, I was wishing I'd been more open with her... especially since finals will be over soon and these thoughts may become stronger. As much as I hate to admit it, in the past few weeks there have been times when the strength of my self-destructive urges has scared me, and I wasn't positive I could keep myself from following through with them.
I guess I was scared that the therapist might have me hospitalized if I was honest with her...when really I've been pretty good about keeping myself from major harm. So maybe it's all "in my head"?! I've debated maybe giving the therapist a call about these thoughts...but I don't want to take up more of her time, and I don't think there's anything she could do except try to have me hospitalized...especially since she's not planning to see my regularly anymore.
Thanks for listening, and for all the caring and support...hopefully I will be able to return it one day.
Rose
P.S. The therapist did make one more appointment with me just to check in about my situation and make sure I can get follow-up with my psychiatrist...it's not for another few weeks, though...but I do appreciate her doing that.

Rose,
I'm sorry this happened, but ya know what?
Rose,
I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have your therapist suggest ending the relationship.
Thank you both...Keli, I'm sorry you're also in a bad place right now. You'll be in my thoughts too. I agree that ending therapy might prove to be a good step...I know my sessions with this therapist didn't help, and I'm glad she realized that as well.
As for ECT, I'm pretty doubtful that my pdoc will think it's a good idea, much less my parents and my (not-so-good) insurance...but we'll see...I think I'd be willing to go through it if it would help to get rid of these horrible feelings! It's good to hear that you know of people who have had success with it.
Morgaine, thanks to you also...I have had literally more therapists than I can count...I think that was part of the reason this one suggested trying something more "drastic" like ECT. Some of them were pretty helpful, especially the last few (I saw a few different grad students in training to be therapists, so they rotated through the clinic often). But others, like this one, didn't seem to help much. Thanks also for your thoughts on ECT...I hope there is some kind of solution out there still.
My update...possibly triggering...night has come, and as expected, I'm feeling awful. Tried to sleep because I've been so exhausted, but couldn't even fall asleep. So I drank some alcohol (not a whole lot, since I can still type clearly), and just now ended up taking my nightly dose of Xanax. Probably not a good combination, and not anything this goody-goody thought I'd start doing...guess it just shows how much standards are slipping.
I don't know what's wrong with me...I just have this horrible feeling inside that I can't seem to bear...and when I can't even fall asleep to escape it, my thoughts start turning darker. I don't even know if this is the right board for me to be posting on, since it's been so long since I've had anything resembling an "up" episode...but I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest.
I'd gotten up the nerve to ask an acquaintance to get together and do something tomorrow afternoon, and she said OK...but I really didn't want to (was trying to follow my therapist's advice to make friends)...and now I just don't want to see anyone and have to try to act happy or think of something to do for fun.
Oh well, rambling again...my vision is a little blurry and I'm feeling kind of yucky, ugh...I guess I'll wake up with a nasty headache too. Wow, guess I really don't do well when finals end! I'm supposed to fly home to visit my parents on Tuesday...just have to make it til then...well, I won't necessarily feel better once I get there...argh...
Thanks for listening,
Rose
(((Rose)))
I'm sorry things are so hard. I haven't gotten past finals, but soon I will be joining you and this will be my first year without any summer classes to fill up the time (last year I also worked full time and got half of my correspondence school work done and went to a meeting almost every night).
I never really thought I got anywhere with therapy but now 5 years later I guess something somewhere must have worked *just a bit* because a few things have changed.
Keep posting
Lots of love,
Amanda