A delicate question ~ a man's perspective please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
A delicate question ~ a man's perspective please?
8
Fri, 10-08-2010 - 1:12pm

As I mentioned in the title...I have a delicate question to ask.

AP/BF and I were out together last night, we had a fantastic time...he got a little tipsy and as such, opened up a bit more than he usually does. He's a pretty self-contained kind of guy.

Ok, here goes: He told me last night that he feels like he has to be, I don't know, some kind of superman with me in the bedroom....I believe he thinks that he has to give me mind blowing orgasms every time we make love. Now, I've told him and told him that just the sheer act of making love with him is one HUGE, never ending orgasm for me....and I sincerely mean that. I have never felt the things I feel with him, in my whole life....and it's got NOTHING to do with your "typical" orgasm.

As I've said, I've told him many times how he makes me feel....but yet apparently, it's not enough. Is it a male ego thing? I don't know how I can tell him

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010

I'm not a man (at least last time I checked), but thought I'd offer my two cents :smileywink:.

Personally, I think there's a delicate balance needed here.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009

Hi Benska,

Been reading your posts for a while.. a challenging life you lead, but I always admire your strength..

I think this is not an issue of praising or not praising.. but a matter of communication.. not just through words but actions, body language and so on..

I think, not from your words, but from your body language, or even maybe your level of passion, he may sometimes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009

Hi,

It would help if you provide more info, how old are you guys? I have to be blunt; how long does it take you to orgasm?

Anyway, if I were you, I wouldn't give him too much verbal assurance. An experienced man knows how he's doing, and doesn't need to sit down and communicate this when he's "tipsy". In my opinion, you can't think too much about your partner during sex; the biggest turn on is in seeing your partner wanting to take you for him/herself and enjoy it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003

Thanks everyone, for you replies.

We're 48 & 51, so no young 'uns here!

The thing is, I've always had a problem with having orgasms....fairly certain it stems from when I was raped as a teenager. That does not however, mean that I don't enjoy sex.

To be honest, my ex-h went to great lengths to find out just what it takes to give me an orgasm (in his case though it was because he suffered from PE and wanted me to be satisfied). In AP's case, we do NOT have that problem...and as I mentioned, his lovemaking drives me completely over the edge....sorry if this is TMI, but I honest don't need a clitoral orgasm. It's all about penetration. Aarggghh, did I just say that out loud?

As for AP, he is definitely an experienced man in the bedroom. What, I daresay, he isn't experienced in is LOVE. His W told him she doesn't love him, so I'm guessing she basically "shut the bedroom door" so to speak...as a result, he's had numerous A's over the years. I won't go into his problems, except to say that he does not love easily. He's been scarred from childhood trauma, and from the trauma of his W turning her back on him, so when he shows me his love...I believe him. When he tells me he loves me, I believe him even more. The man is very self contained, as I mentioned. I think it's that self containment that confuses him though. I do show my enjoyment, I am kind of vocal in that way :smileywink: and he knows of my traumas...which directly relate to the "bedroom".

The thing is, I don't know how to NOT tell him how good I'm feeling. I don't know how to be all cool and distant, that's just not my style. I'm an emotional woman, and I've lost way too many people in my life that should have known exactly what they meant to me, but didn't because I didn't think I needed to SAY it. Well, now I say it.

That's me....emotional woman who loves with all she has to give.

benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003

Hi another,

I just read your post and I'm so sorry that you will have this enforced separation. Can you maybe look at it as a "wooing" phase again? Recapture those feelings of the next time you talk, and feeling all squishy and lovey dovey inside at the thought of talking to him again? Still, I know that it's disappointing and disheartening.

Anyhow, I am fairly vocal in how I feel...bedroom wise that is! I certainly hope I'm not coming off as sounding fake. I'm pretty sure, given that we've both shared our childhood trauma's with each other, that he knows that I'm not paying lip service to his "prowess", or anything like that. I've done all that you've suggested, and we're beginning to delve even deeper into what our desires are....that in itself is a huge turn on ~ you have no idea! I've never been so open about

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Thanks for the kind words nevereasy!

I have to tell you though, what you perhaps see as my strength...I see as my fear. How can that be? Was it strength that led me to leave my husband for a "nebulous" relationship with a MM? I don't know. Is it strength to stay in an R with a man who will never be a true BF, even a future husband? I don't know. I think it's fear, fear of being alone, fear of not feeling...just plain old fear.

The thing is, it's not always about hi intensity....we very frequently laugh our guts out in the middle of....it's fun and it's honest and I think we both enjoy it very much. I think that part of what makes us so great together is that we LAUGH...and we laugh a lot. He has a sense of humor that tickles me like nobody's business!

I appreciate your reply, and I value you your opinion...thanks again!

benska
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009

Hi Benska,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Hi, benska! I agree with never---I think you need a change of pace. It sounds like sex is a pretty intense experience for both of you, and while that can be very hot, you know what they say about burning your candle at both ends. I like what nevereasy said about having FUN. Just being silly can be almost as good as the intense type of sex and it is a lot less stressful, too. But I am glad to know that he cares enough to please you.