Pdoc appointment #2 ..trigs
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| Fri, 04-01-2005 - 12:24am |
Well, I don't know how much I've updated since my last update (which wasn't even up to date when I wrote it lol). My birthday was okay. I was depressed though even before that. I spent the week before in tears constantly, set off by the tiniest thing.
Oh and btw my family doc has pretty much dropped me, leaving me to more "professional help", not that it's really available...the pdoc is in 2 days a week...currently she is booking for may!
So I have my pdoc appointment. I think I wrote about the first one. Intial interview continued today. Then of course we ended up on one topic, the last thing I ever wanted to talk about (and never have) and of course we were there for the rest of the meeting. That is sexual assault. We talked about childhood sexual abuse. I didn't even tell her about other sexual assaults in relationships etc. Although we did talk a bit about relationships, how long, and I mentioned that my most recent was 5 years ago with 2 women and the closest relationship ever. Yes I am gay, not bi, just following the crowd in highschool. Sure SA may have something to do with the fact that I'm not attracted to men. Yes I'm out to my friends and even strangers at school etc, but not my family. Although my brother knows because we have the same friends.
I said I didn't want to talk about it but ended up talking about it but no horrid detail. Still, I had never discussed this with anyone before. It was so hard, especially since I had been on the verge of tears already for a week. She said when I left that I did really well talking about really tough stuff. Awwww. How sweet. I do really like her. I now actually want to talk to her about this...eventually. But she is not there for counselling, mostly consultation. Now that I've brought it up I want to deal with it and move on, not have to push it back out of the way and bring it up all over again with someone else later.
The other thing that had me up in a complete panic was that she wants to change my meds. Apparantly we didn't even get to all the stuff that she wanted to at this meeting. So we have another appointment to look at her dx, rx changes and treatment plan. She doesn't want me on the benzos. Thinks I'm an addictive personality because I have had problems with alcohol in the past. I knew I should never have spoken the words "AA" (well letters not words, whatever). I tried to justify it saying that it was what I call my "obsession of the week" in other words my coping method changes from time to time, from cutting to alcohol to food etc.
So she wants me on an AD for anxiety and off the benzos. She asked which I had been on and I think she's leaning toward effexor or zoloft. I don't want to change meds!
She really won't be happy to know that I've been self medicating and have upped my meds without my dr's permission, but she is going to have to know for an accurate tapering schedule. She better not be thinking she's going to put me on an AD without a MS! Yikes. I told her that I was on the Wellbutrin alone for a bit but that was only at half the regular dose and as soon as we upped the dose I went all "nutso" (manic, mixed, ultradian...all kinds of wonderful things). So we added the MS to counteract that. It hasn't stopped me from cycling but I don't think I'm going as high (only reached hypomania last time) although I don't know about not going as low, I'm pretty low right now, but I guess not the lowest. I can still cry. When I'm even more depressed I can't cry.
AFN
AManda


AManda,
Honey!!!
Awww thanks Keli! Your words mean so much to me, especially with all you are going through right now too.
I can't get by without my benzos either. ;) My doc thought it very important to sleep when I'm manic or getting there to keep me from getting totally loony toons, and I just can't deal with the currently increasing stress causing massive panic attacks...a problem that has been greatly diminished until recently. I guess the point is that the mood stabilizer should be the one to help with the sleep when I'm manic and she seems to think the antidepressant will help with anxiety. (she actually didn't say that about the mood stabilizer, so I wonder if she's even going to give me the bp dx). I've been doubting that there was anything wrong with me lately, at least in the dx'able sense and was going to quit all meds and cancel all appts. Hmm that might not be a good idea.
(((((keli))))
Love,
Amanda
oh and thanks again...you are a wonderful person too!
Amanda,
I just wanted to say hi, it's Stephanie from the BPD board. I'm sorry to hear about all you are going through, keep your head up, things will get better. Stay honest with you docs about meds, I have a great relationship with my doc, I change my doses, and he always supports my decission. Be strong, and do all the research you need to find the right combination for you, we are all unique and meds affect us differently, do keep in mind to change slowly... your body and mind need time to adjust.
Stephanie
I have changed my meds before too and also have a great doc who supported that, it's just that now the pdoc is going to be taking over my meds. I don't know her well (only seen her twice) and I just don't think she'll be quite as open to me playing with my meds.
I also think that there is more that we should talk about before the dx and rx part...I haven't told her about what I think are dissociations, for one thing. And, I think that dissociation is a major determining feature in some things. As I said I bet she won't even say I'm bipolar. Maybe something totally different? She was also doubting the OCD. Ah well, I don't care. As long as something is being done I guess that's good. Plus, the OCD doesn't really bug me. It's quirky yes and it takes time out of my day, but it doesn't cause me too much distress.
Prof said something important that I never thought about, that maybe I shouldn't go messing with my meds until AFTER exams. My body is getting used to the ones I'm on and shouldn't be messing that up right now. I never thought of that! Then I flashed back to a couple months ago...actually the time from then until now, because of all the changes throughout that time...and see how messed I was physically and mentally with every med change.
Still haven't received the call saying that my next appointment is booked yet though and I'm starting to get antsy. The appointment is supposed to be for the 6th. There were only CSD spots available and since I was originally refered from there they were going to send it back there to make the appointment, otherwise it would be may before i see her again and I will have completely run out of meds by then.
Amanda
Amanda,
You have every right to be VERY proud of yourself getting into such sensitive issues so early on!!
I can understand your pdoc wanting to change your meds, but at the same time agree with your professor that with exams coming up now is probably not the best time to do so.
Hey Sweetie!!!
Don't you DARE cancel your appts, or quit your meds!
Thanks for the concern (((Keli))). I promise I won't cancel my appointments or stop my meds.
Love,
Amanda