What to do when you just can't? trigs
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 04-06-2005 - 3:53pm |
Hi you all, I still haven't been doing well...I'm so depressed that even food is unappetizing (although I have been eating), I'm constantly extremely sleepy, and I can't manage to feel anything except this low, uncaring mood.
But I've also been feeling so uncommunicative that I can't manage to tell my parents how I'm doing...I just got back from spending a week with them, and I still don't think they know. Most of the time I've been able to act somewhat normal and friendly...but now that my mood seems to have gotten even lower, I just haven't been returning their calls. I know I have to soon...but I can't seem to manage to say anything about this except that I've been feeling "blah"...my mom probably has an idea, but she always changes the subject if I bring up stuff like this...I'm sure it's painful for her to hear.
Fortunately my class schedule right now is really light...so I've been spending a lot of time sleeping and surfing the web, which I know isn't very healthy. But this week I have two required sessions scheduled in which I have to talk with patients and shadow a doctor...and I honestly just feel like I can't do it. I feel like I'm past the point of being able to act normal for any extended period of time...and I'm so depressed that even talking seems like an enormous effort.
It probably didn't help that I donated blood yesterday even though I weigh less than the minimum requirement and have low blood pressure...I guess I just wanted to feel useful somehow...but I'm still so lightheaded and exhausted, and I'm not sure I'll be able to go to my aerobics class today (I have been trying to keep up with those at least).
Sorry to ramble as usual. I'm just wondering what to do. I don't really think I need to go to the hospital...I definitely would choose to die if I could, but I'm so unmotivated that I'm pretty sure I won't act on that! But I seem to be less and less able to function. Unfortunately depression by itself isn't a "good" excuse for cancelling what I have to do...and I guess it could be argued that getting out will be good for me...but I seriously feel like it's almost impossible.
Guess that's my situation in a nutshell (well, I'm never that brief!)...I would so appreciate any ideas. I feel like I'm constantly in a sleepy, completely apathetic daze...even after lots of caffeine, I think I may need to go back to bed if I want to try to get any studying in later (yeah, right!). Thanks so much for listening,
Rose

Rose:
It is CRITICAL that you talk to your pdoc right away if you have one. Everything you are listing is a symptom of depression - and it sounds like you are in a really bad place.
I'm surprised you were able to donate blood! Most of the meds Rx'd for BP will put you automatically on the No-Donate list.
If you don't have a pdoc, please give serious consideration to going to your ER. You do NOT have to call your parents before you go - you can call them from the hospital and have a dr help you make the call - that was what I did when I went in (except I chickened out and had the dr call them!).
Good luck and please take care of yourself.
Tracey
Thanks so much, Tracey. I do have a pdoc, and I have an appointment scheduled with her on Monday...guess I may just need to hang in there until then. I never get to talk to her directly, just to her receptionist...so I'm not sure what I would say other than that I'm doing badly. But I was doing pretty badly the last time I saw her...she only gave me a week's worth of prescriptions at a time...so I'm not sure that this would change anything.
Right now I'm just on antidepressants, so I guess that's why I was able to donate blood. Still, I fudged on my weight, which was probably a bad idea considering how weak I still feel.
Thanks for the advice...I would consider going to the ER if I felt like I was in serious danger, but I seem to be not motivated enough even to be suicidal! So I don't know. Maybe I will at least call my pdoc's office and see if there is anything she can do. I think she'll want to get the results of my blood tests back (tests for the levels of antidepressants in my system) before she'll make any changes, but I'll see...thanks again,
Rose
Rose,
Bend over--I'm gonna kick you in the pants for donating blood--no matter how good the intent was--and you a med student, no less!
Thanks so much, Marci...I appreciate the kick in the pants...I know it's well-deserved! They did check my blood pressure (95/60!), and I asked if it was still OK to donate, but they said yes. I've started feeling kind of better physically, though, so I did go to aerobics (bad me, I know!), but I jumped around much less than usual, and I drank a lot and have been eating a lot too (way too much, actually).
I wonder if I do these things just to punish myself or distract myself...oh well. I did call my pdoc's office today and told them I was doing really badly and not functioning well...and surprisingly, the receptionist got me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. Unfortunately it's at 3 PM, and I'm supposed to shadow the doctor from 1 to 4 PM...but somehow I am going to make it to that appointment. (The ironic thing is, my pdoc's office is literally the next door over from the doctor I'm shadowing!)
I have been feeling somewhat suicidal, but not much more than usual, sad to say. And I did just realize it's the week before my period, which is when my depression always seems to get a lot worse. I'm not even sure how likely I am to act on my impulses, though...I honestly don't care much about my life now.
But I guess it was good that my pdoc only gave me a week's worth of prescriptions at a time...last night, I reached over to take a Xanax and came close to taking them all just on impulse...but then I realized I only had a few, so I decided not to. But I do have a lot of other meds around and didn't feel motivated to take them, so I guess that's a good sign.
I don't think I'm in immediate danger, so I will try to take your advice and force myself to go tomorrow. If I go to everything scheduled, I'll have a 12-hour day, so I guess that should at least keep me distracted. There is just a part of me that seems to have shut down, the part that cares enough to try to interact with people...
I guess I will go and try, though...I'm just worried that I literally won't be able to do it. You're right that it would help towards becoming a better doctor in the future...but deep inside, I've lost hope that I will actually make it as a doctor at all. I guess this depression has really gotten to all parts of me.
I'll feel really stupid if my period comes next week and I feel better all of a sudden! But I somehow doubt it. Sorry to have written such a long post again...hopefully I'll at least be able to stay awake and deal with what I have to do tomorrow (I slept almost all of today and feel like I could sleep another 12 hours)...thanks so much for the support,
Rose
Rose,
Don't feel stupid if your current mood is PMS--them darn hormones can REALLY do a number on us!