Pdoc appt #3...need hugs...long

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Registered: 02-06-2004
Pdoc appt #3...need hugs...long
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Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:19am

I saw the pdoc today. I think I had written about the vision problems and freaking and emailing the tdoc because she was supposed to be the one making the pdoc appt for me.

Well I got down to campus health and once again started freaking out because they are closed till 1:30 for lunch and my appt was at 1:00. I don't trust my senses in the least. I was sure that I hadn't see right or remembered right, or both.

Well just as I was crouching in the hall trying to look "normal" pdoc popped her head out and I felt really stupid for not looking in or knocking.

Anyway, I told her about the vision problems and I was surprised that she was surprised by this. I figured that she would know why I was there. I guess logically that goes against confidentiality, but if someone where to book an appointment on my lunch I'd want to know why. I guess she just said it was an emergency. I never really did realize the severity of it until then. Pdoc tells me I was likely toxic. She didn't know I was taking as much as I was taking...and I had only seen her a week before, but didn't tell her I was on the increase. She also didn't seem too pleased that I had never had bloodwork done. No baselines and nothing before the latest increase. So she had me do bloodwork today, although the med levels will be off because I had my morning pills already. I have to go back monday after reducing the dose and do another level...and this time 12 hrs after the last dose.

She's made me take nothing else for today. (so i will only have taken 2 pills) Grrr. I was finally feeling that there was an effect on my mood. I've felt normal for the last 6 days! As soon as I went down to 5 pills my vision started to clear up (still not completely better). Still my mood is already possibly changing. (my friend told me today to "slow the f(&* down!" (hmmm now that I think about it...my other friend (also bipolar) has been noticing me doing word association things. If we go back down to 3 pills i'm afraid i'm going to be cycling again for sure. I hope that I will be able to handle 6 pills in the future because so far that seems to be my stablest mood.

She is also getting rid of the Lectopam. She really doesn't like it...apparantly big on the withdrawl symptoms. I'm not taking it regularly. Even though I need help sleeping every night I won't take it until it's absolutely necessary...usually not until i'm manic.

As far as the dx, she still hasn't told me 100%. I don't think even she has decided. Still haven't seen her much. She says she sees the borderline personality (but I infer from the way that she says it that she doesn't see it completly fitting) and bipolar 2. It's funny that I have recently been doubting my own bipolar dx because it hasn't been as severe as the summer episode last year. On the other hand...the thing that has me believing that i'm bipolar 1 is the phrases (about bipolar 2) ...doesn't interfere significantly with occupational or social functioning...never had a mixed or manic episode...and something about not having psychotic features.

It's funny that she sees the psychosis as out of place. She says that it isn't part of bpd. And I'm thinking to myself, Ya, so? Can I not have psychotic episodes on top of bipolar and borderline?

She hasn't said anything about the existing dx's about OCD, GAD, panic disorder ...oy i'm sure there's more... don't like thinking about that!

She has added a new one that I never had before (I may have mentioned this?) and that is a tic disorder.

She also wants to refer me to her colleage at the hospital who specializes in psychotic disorders. That has me pretty scared. I don't want another dx, for one thing, of a psychotic disorder, and for another, don't want to end up inpatient.

I'm not sure why every time I have an appointment I get so anxious and as the title says, need hugs! Everything is so uncertain.

I'm sorry for going on :(

Amanda




Edited 4/7/2005 1:22 am ET ET by schitz

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Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 4:14pm
Hey ((((((((((((((Amanda)))))))))))))) <----- first there are lotsa hugs,,,,sorry they are only cyber ones but the meaning is still the same remember. Sure sounds like you're going through a lot of stuff right now. Glad to hear your doctor is reviewing your meds and that your vision is starting to get better ( that would utterly freak me out )
I don't know why you think you wouldn't be anxious before an appointment. I'm always a wreck or almost one before mine,,,it is hard going to those things.
I so hope your doctors can help you Amanda,,,,getting meds can be beneficial but getting too many or the wrong ones can only worsen things.
Please know I hope things will only improve for you! Take Care,,,,,,Abby
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Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 4:23pm

Amanda

I could just cheer for your pdoc!!! I am SO glad that she poked her head out into the hallway to see if you were out there! It sounds like she is really taking care with you - rushing you in to get levels drawn and making certain she is comfortable with the dx she has before passing it on to you. Many times, when we get a dx we consider it a label and they can be hard to wear (as we all know)...so that isn't a bad thing that she is doing that.

My pdoc was surprised when I told him about my psychotic symptoms also - and he specializes in BP patients!! Hopefully yours fade away and disappear before long!

Sounds like you are at least headed in the right direction, even though you aren't seeing the results yet!

((HUGS)) from me and
((((((((HUGS)))))))) from Keli (she asked me to send those to you!)

Take care
Tracey

Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 12:55pm

Thanks (((Abby)))

Ya I was majorly freaking out about the vision thing. It's still not great but I don't have great vision to begin with. I'm going to say that I'm probably back to there. (I was born cross-eyed and had an operation at 1 1/2 and have had glasses ever since and am 20/30 WITH the glasses).

It's not just that I'm anxious before an appointment, but sometimes walk out of there more strung out. Even if I consciously, logically know that it was a good appointment, I can walk away quite frazzled. Ah well.

I'm glad the meds are getting straigtened out too, but I was kinda upset that she is pushing me back down to 750mg. I figured the lowest would be 1000mg because we already knew that that 750 wasn't making a dent in my mood. I really do think the 1500mg that I was taking is what I need to stabilize my mood and hope that we can get back there again, slowly this time, and it will work, and not just be me not able to handle that much of the med.

Thanks again,

Amanda

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Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 1:13pm

Thanks Tracey!

I'm really glad she poked her head out to see if I was there too, or else I would have been sitting there like an idiot and do nothing. (and I reeeeeaaaalllyyy needed to see her...obviously (and I'm glad that tdoc understood that), or i would have had a normal appointment like everyone else).

She does seem to be pretty smart and nice. I was really wanting to know for sure this week what the dx was...that was the plan, that our next appt would be dx, rx and treatment plan...but I am glad too that she's labelling me prematurely. The number of dx's I've been given is outrageous. I still see how they all fit, but I refuse to believe I am all of them. Part of the problem is trying to put labels on everyone we see everything as a disorder. Fear of embarassing oneself becomes social phobia, quirkiness becomes OCD, etc. I remember when I received my first dx (other than the ED but I never really considered that to be the same as a psychological dx...don't ask, even I don't understand myself), I was so mad to be labelled...actually just found a poem about that yesterday lol.

I can't remember exactly how we got on to the psychotic symptoms (although I do think she asked about every possible thing that could be a part of my personality, behaviours, mental state, worldview, history etc...scratch that...she didn't ask about dissociation and I didn't tell her), but I remember my response was "well there's the voices but they've been with me forever so, meh" So this week it was more about the orbs and shadows and voices (although she seemed to be interested in the commentator, and there are others).

I guess the anxiety (and need for hugs) came from that...it was pretty freaky for her to suggest I go see a psychotic disorders specialist (in which case I may end up "schizoaffective" rather than bipolar..ah screw labels! I know many bipolars with psychotic features... you're out there aren't you?). I guess I (and I hate to say this...another awful realization about myself) stigmatize mental illness myself...and I guess I put psychotic disorders as more severe and then I'd really be "crazy". Plus my friend had been to 3G (ward) before (and saw the same dr) and I didn't think she liked it...her options were lithium or depakote...and she didn't like that limitation. Although she has told me since that Dr Archie is nice. I guess I also have this irrational fear that if I go to see someone in the hospital I'm going to end up *in the hospital* I guess there is no more or less of a chance of being put into the hospital seeing my own pdoc at school.

Thanks for the hugs...and especially from Keli! Hugs back!

Amanda

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Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 2:25pm

((((((((((((Amanda)))))))))))))

I don't have anything to add I'm a little manic I think....

Rowan