I need some major advice/possible trigg
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| Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:51pm |
First, thanks for all the help that you all have been giving me in the past few weeks.
Secondly, someone (sorry I can't remember) said something to the nature that I shouldn't let things get to me and I should be more positive. I can't do that. I try so hard and I'm still miserable and I can't get out of the funk. If someone could elaborate on how I can go about being happier, please enlighten me because I'm so depressed and I refuse to go to the hospital. I can't afford to miss work and I refuse to be admitted. I know I have an illness that can be deadly, but this job is too nice to lose no matter what!
I hope I didn't come off like a witch, but I'm just so fed up with being in a bad place every single minute of every single day. I'm at a loss and feel there is no way out.
Help if you can.
Carla

Carla:
Obviously your meds aren't doing what they should be. You should have a conversation with your pdoc Right Away and also might want to look into therapy to help you learn how to be happy.
As for the hospital - it probably would be a good option for you. Your employer CANNOT fire you or discriminate against you in any way for having to go to the hospital. They can't. It is against the law, and if I recall correctly you work for your state government, so they certainly don't want to get involved in a suit over violations of the Americans with Disabilities Act. I'm not totally naive - there are employers out there who WILL illegally terminate employment, but the majority of companies will not. Legally, you do not have to even tell them the nature of your illness...just that you have an illness that is causing you to enter the hospital for x amount of time. Your pdoc might have to fill out a form for them, but still - they do not have to disclose that they are a pdoc or the nature of your illness. You need to accept that your health (physical and mental) are much more important then a job, so if it is in your benefit to go inpatient, it is worth missing a little work.
I think you should give some serious consideration to the hospital. At the very least you NEED to call your pdoc and see them to discuss your meds - they don't seem to have you on BP meds, as Keli pointed out a bit ago to you.
Good luck!
Tracey
Tracey,
Thanks for the input. I know I won't go to the hospital, I just won't. I do work in State Government, but as other employers, they will find reasons to let people go. My bosses know about my illnesses, but still I won't go. Even with 60% disability insurance (that I've paid into and never used, but will not pick back up next year) I can't afford to lose time. It would take several months for it to start and I can't take chances. BP isn't the only illness I have that is disabiling. I've got a hideous disease called hidradenitis suppurativa http://www.hs-usa.org is the site to that disease. But anyway, I doubt anything could make me happy. I really do. I've gone to therapy and it hasn't worked. It has only triggered more depression.
I will call pdoc though. As soon as I hit post I will call.
I sure do appreciate your thoughtfulness. I just truly think I'm a lost cause.
Carla
Carla
I hope your pdoc has some input for you. I guess I don't understand your feelings on the hospital, I can't imagine an employer getting rid of someone that goes to the hospital to get well, but it is YOUR feelings and I don't have to understand them.
I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this, but it will be VERY difficult for you to improve if you continue to look at yourself as a lost cause. You need to find a way to feel better about yourself. Yes, therapy can make you feel worse at the onset, as you work through difficult issues, but overall it many times will improve your outlook and feelings of self-worth - at least it will if you have a "good" therapist.
Good luck again
Tracey
I am waiting on a reply from my pdoc. Should be tonight or tomorrow.
I wish I knew how to be positive, to realize I am worthy of all that is good, but I just don't. I just can't see past my own nose I guess.
My employer would not fire me, but my supervisor would. Better put, the State has policies that our agency does not always follow because we are exempt. If that makes any sense. It is like I am a State employee, but our agency works pretty much like private industry. So far all these many years it has worked, but it does give them too many holes and loops to get by with way too much sometimes.
Hospitals and I do not get along. I'll give you one good reason. Which you may not agree with me, but it is my perspective on the situation. Before being dx'd with bp I was having severe attacks, losing my sight for a super short amount of time but it was still alarming. I went to my doc and he sent me to the hospital for tests, MRI, blood, etc... Well before they gave me a MRI I received a spinal tap. I had to sign a release because of the severity of the test. I did. She botched it up. I not only did not need the tap, I received a lumbar headache from it and was losing spinal fluid at alarming rates and almost died. Doc said I was w/in 8-12 hours of dying had I not gotten back. I had been so sick I could not even get out of bed. This was Mother's Day a few years ago. I still have severe back aches from time to time, which I never had before. I wanted to refuse the test but the PA said they could not detect some problems w/o it. So I did it. My doc was livid. He had written tests that did not include the tap, but the ER attending ordered it. When I finally got the MRI it was a great scan, no problems that anyone could see, then I had another attack which was in my doc's office and he immediately called my pdoc and made an appt for me. I truly do not trust hospitals, nothing against the employees, just can't put my finger on it, but I have been close enough to death by the hands of a PA who had NEVER done a lumbar tap before and though I know I won't need one for bp, that is why I received it to begin with and I'm scared to death something stupid would happen to me.
I just don't want you to think I'm a total _itch. I'm not. I truly appreciate your replies. I need insight. I need strength and I really don't know where to find it. I am scared and I am lost. I feel empty, hollow, desolate, so many adjectives could be used. I'll find a way, I have to. I can't complain if I don't try.
Time to go catch the bus home. Thanks again!!!!!!
Carla
I've got to agree with the other poster. If you refuse to go to the hospital, find a pdoc and a tdoc that you trust and like immediately. If you don't like the first one, keep searching until you can find someone that you trust enough to let them help you.
All of us here have depression and cycling. No one is going to do this for you. You have to do it for yourself.
I hate to be blunt, but the book of Job states that God will not give anyone more than they can handle.
Cheri,
I realize no other person will heal me, but I am not in a good place to be "spoken" to like you did. I am not religious, I am spiritual and I came here for help. I've been posting on this board for a long time now and never have I had anyone hurt me like that. If I need to vent I will vent. I can't just go to doctor after doctor after doctor. My insurance does not work like that. I'm not an idiot I am sick. I say that the hospital isn't for me, I wasn't asking for advice about that or doctors. I wanted advice on how to dig deep and find the good. You need to watch the tone of your messages, I found it very offending to myself.
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From your post:
All of us here have depression and cycling. No one is going to do this for you. You have to do it for yourself.
I hate to be blunt, but the book of Job states that God will not give anyone more than they can handle.
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I know that I have to help myself, that is why I came to this board. I do hope you do not think I'm a child or an idiot. I'm 36 years old and employed, no children and I'm in a horrible place.
Carla
Major major safe HUGS, Carla!
I don't think you were wrong in your 1st post to lonelycheri, and that's all I'm gonna say.
I had some bad experiences too, with hospitals....I'm totally phobic so going in the hospital is more painful than it seems.
I don't have much advice except hold on, please. And we are here to listen to you.
Hugs,
Rowan
Thank you Rowan. The last thing I want to do is to offend anyone. I would never down play anyones emotions. It is what it is, I am who I am and I can't help that. I sure do appreciate what you said. Hugs and congrats on feeling better with the trileptal.
Hugs until Monday!
Carla