Not doing so well...
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| Tue, 04-19-2005 - 1:31am |
I went to the pdoc today after pretty much a month of pure Hell with my panic attacks and the like and I've basicially come out of it with the knowledge that this is a full out depression episode. Right now, It's 1am, I've got school work and the stuff to get together, but I feel like it's worthless because I'm going insane and I'm going to crack in ever wrong way possible. What's scaring me (and my doctor knows this) is that my birthday is comming up next weekend and I'm getting these feelings of jokingness where I will say to myself stuff like "I'm going to be so busy this weekend, I'm probably going to miss my birthday and that's OK - I didn't want to turn 20 anyway." And as this weekend progressed and my stress level rocketed, I really am scared for my birthday because it means that I won't have my parent's medical plans, etc. anymore and I just don't know if I'm going to have the resorces to keep going for the next few months. What's making it worse is that my mom hasn't exactly been the most supportive in resent days. I know I've gained weight. Not only is it a side effect of the medication, but I've been stressed and depressed. I don't want to be told everyday I look aweful.
Anyway, I'm going to keep pushing. The weather's going to be really nice for the next few days. Hopefully I can get some of the weight off for when we go to Flordia on the 30th. And I've got a movie to see on the 29th, so that's something to keep going for I guess.

Hey sweetie!
Oh to be turning 20 again!
Right now, I am working but it's at the same place that insulted me last month when money was stolen from the store and there's just no way I can leave it until I'm either certain my medication situation is OK until I can get another job. Even though the pay is extremely bad it's still a big of money to pay for what I need. I'm going to talk to some of the job councillers at school to see what I can do. I've heard rumblings of somethings I can do, but until I'm able to see them, I won't know until I see a counciller.
*hugs all around*