God where have I been?!
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| Tue, 04-19-2005 - 8:25pm |
Wow, I didn't realize how long it's been since I last signed on. I think it was around my last tdoc appt and my next is tomorrow...so two weeks. Now i'm feeling overwhelmed looking at all the messages.
I think I wrote about getting my blood work done...ya my valproic acid levels were through the roof! I was toxic, no wonder I couldn't see!
Pdoc wants a second opinion. She said that when someone presents so many symptoms in every different area (and she pauses...long enough for me to say "Hypochondriac!") No. I think this is in reference to the same doc that she already told me she wanted me to see in the psychotic disorders unit at the hospital (part of my school too).
Things are a bit better since the levels have returned to a normal range, except my mood is all over. I don't know (and pdoc agrees with me on this one) whether it's bipolar cycling or mixed state, or emotional lability of borderline personality.
I also finally shared with her some more of what's going on with me. I finally volunteered information instead of just answering questions. I brought with me two of my posts from here and an email I had sent my friend that was reallllly bad (i'll share if you want but you probably don't want) and that I didn't even remember sending - it was only because it was quoted in her reply that I found I wrote it!
Tdoc wants me to have some goals for therapy figured out... I don't know! (This is the tdoc at school). I don't know if she expects me to just deal with little stupid things like my high standards of myself that she suggested maybe we could work on when we last met (because i told her about my latest counselling techniques test that I got 100% on (even more impressive because it was a full answer analysis type) but still felt like a failure, and also because I told her how i always get overwhelmed and freak out and think i'm going to fail and then end up dropping courses. I said that i felt that the expectations on my last essay were higher than the other two. She said no that's just my expectations.)
I don't just want to work on school stuff. That is stuff that I already work on with my disability counsellor. Although I like talking about anything with her too.
So since I last wrote I probably finished 3 essays and 2 exams!
I was at school for the last 24+ hrs. There is all night study and since I had an evening exam one day and day exam the next I figure why waste 3 hrs in travelling. Plus it's cool to be at school overnight. Feels kinda rebellious, even though it's not haha.
Amanda... B.A. Yay! I'm gonna graduate. I don't know how. I doubted it all this time (i'm still worried about the grades on the exams and papers but just finishing most of the exams has lifted some of that) I really don't know how I made it through. Yes my marks suck, but I don't know how I passed at all when I haven't written an essay (until this year) since 1st year! I always kinda gave up around the time essays were due.
Well I'm sure I've gone on long enough, sorry.
Amanda


Amanda,
I'm also one of those who constantly feels like I'm failing, even when I have concrete evidence that I'm not.