dating bipolar guy....need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
dating bipolar guy....need advice
3
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 6:56pm

Hi there.
I recently started seeing someone who'S been diagnosed bipolar. There seem to be a lot of things going on with him emotionally, and he's on three different medications for mood stability including lithium. the fact that he's bipolar doesn't necessarily bother me but I've noticed some patterns with him and I"m wondering if they're related to this.

One is that he doesn't seem to keep jobs for very long, and he's had a variety of different jobs doing different things. This worries me, since I'm 35 and might want to have kids with someone and am concerned about his financial stability. he's 38 and is not financially solvent and doesn't seem to want to be, or to be making steps toward it. He's had 3 jobs since I met him last fall, all in low-paying retail or service industry. He's a smart guy so I don't understand why he takes these jobs that he's overqualified for.

I do know that he's had a few nervous breakdowns, the first one when he was in college in England. he dropped out of school at that point and I don't think he ever got his degree, which might be why he takes these low-paying jobs.

Another thing i've noticed with him is that he doesn't seem to believe in cleaning. His room is a complete mess, not just clutter but dust everywhere. he told me he hasn't cleaned it since January (it's now April....)

He's a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for 9 years. I think that's great. However, he told me that before his last stretch of drinking which lasted for 6 years, he had an episode of some kind where he thought aliens were trying to communicate with him through his television. When he told me this I kind of freaked out. it's one thing to be bipolar but this seems to border on more serious mental illness...he did say that he hasn't had anything like that happen for 9 years, but still...

To top things off he was molested as a child by his mother, and I think he might have been sexually abused in other ways too. I know he's dealing with a lot emotionally.

ON the upside, he's incredibly sweet and funny and treats me better than any man I"ve ever dated. however I"m concerned that I"ve bitten off more than I can chew in terms of what he's dealing with. I just don't know if I can handle everything. could the job and cleaning issues be related to his bipolar-ness?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 10:17am

Frazzlegirl:

First off, I would like to commend you on wanting to know more about your boyfriend's bp and to understand what is going on. Too many people hear "Bipolar" or anything in the "mental illness" field and run in the other direction. Also, it is fantastic that he is both sober and taking his meds - too many of us take our meds for a while, decide we are "better" and stop or just self-medicate with alcohol or non-rx drugs. I can give you the following info based on my experiences.

Jobs - because of the nature of our illness, bipolar can interfere with holding down a job. I know when I wasn't stable on my meds I went through 4 jobs in 3 months at one point. Even ON meds we have good and bad days with work. Stress can set our moods off, and it is hard to avoid stress in the workplace.

Financial Stability - it is a TRADEMARK of people with bipolar to have difficulty managing money. We just seem to struggle with it - especially since we love to spend it so much, especially on a manic phase!!!

Cleaning - well, there are people who love to clean and people who hate it (I am a hate-it kind of person), and it seems like guys tend to not place that high on their list of importance anyway. Still, sometimes between our mood swings and our meds we just don't have the energy or ambition to do cleaning.

Alien attack - I never heard of another bp having this same hallucination! It doesn't seem to be uncommon for us to occasionally have what are called "psychotic features" to our bipolar. Please do NOT take psychotic to mean that he is a psychopath or anything like that. It is just the term the psychiatriatic field uses for the visual and auditory hallucinations we can experience. Typically, when you are on your meds, these go away or mostly fade to nothing. Before I was diagnosed (back in high school) I KNEW without a doubt that at night aliens would stand outside my window and talk to me. I know others here (and I) have also heard people talking in other rooms, seen things out of the corner of our eye (or looking straight at them), and things like that. Mine went away with medication. I wouldn't be concerned about him having had this happen 9-15 years ago, especially if he hasn't had problems with it since.

It sounds like you have found a great guy, especially if he is treating you so well! I am sorry to hear about the abuse he has gone through. Even without bipolar disorder it would cause a lot of emotional issues for a person to deal with. It is true that at time people with bipolar can be hard for their significant others to deal with. However, as long as the two of you work together, communicate, stay educated on this illness, and he continues his treatment, you will be armed against it.

Good luck to you and your boyfriend. Feel free to post here anytime you need answers or support, and he certainly can also!

Tracey

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:31pm

Tracey, thanks for your response. that clears a few things up for me.

Regarding his meds...I know they can be very helpful, but I just wonder if there aren't alternatives that don't have such bad side effects. I suffered from depression for a year (near-suicidal). Then I started taking st. john's wort and Gingko and cut back on my caffiene and sugar. I get depressed maybe once a week or every other week these days. I know he's dealing with something that might be more serious, but I also think that a lot of physicians just reach for drugs first without considering herbs, diet, exercise etc.....

I know he doesn't eat well (candy and chips for lunch, coffee for breakfast....)and I think that might contribute to his mood swings. It also seems like the meds make him kind of spacey and low-energy. For example, he used to come over and immediately lay down on my couch and put a pillow over his head. I told him I didn't like that, so he stopped, but I've also noticed his thought process seems a little disjointed and I wonder if that's why.

One other side effect from the drugs...I know he's taking lithium and one of the side effects is serious acne. It must be a pain in the ass for him to deal with, but unfortunately it's also affecting me. A day after we've made out, I start getting painful acne on my face, particularly around my mouth.

I'm concerned that he just takes meds because his doctor prescribes them, without looking into alternatives. I mean, does he really need to take 3 different meds? He was also taking sleeping pills but they made him twitch severely at night (which woke me up) so he stopped and said he actually didn't even need them anymore, that he was sleeping fine. He mentioned reducing his Lithium dose a while back due to the spaciness factor, but he hasn't mentioned it since.

I guess I should discuss this stuff with him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:54pm

Unfortunately, meds are necessary. Bipolar is a PHYSICAL disease, think of it in terms of severe diabetes - yes you can moderate some things through diet, exercise, and other means (see the thread regarding the Larry King program), however they will not control the disease. Going off meds can cause those meds to not work for him later, and can also cause MAJOR upheavals in his life. Just as going off insulin can be life-threatening for a diabetic, a BP going off their meds can put their health and life at risk. This is very critical to know. Bipolars have a tendency to stop meds anyway, so please do not encourage him in that way. Also some suppliments (such as st johns wort) CAN have very dangerous interactions with some meds. He should not take ANY OTC meds/suppliments/herb or DECREASE any of his meds without consulting with his dr. For example, taking most OTC cold medicines can be dangerous when on lithium because of the dehydrating factor of it.

I am also on lithium and know how bad the acne can be. However, he should be able to minimize it through his diet (cutting back on junk food) and trying different facial cleansers. Another important note - on lithium you should also drink few caffinated beverages ESPECIALLY sodas as they dehydrate you and lithium needs the water in your body to be utilized. As for the acne he has - that should not be something contagious so most likely yours is from another cause and just coincidence.

Every med has different potential side effects, so if he is having bothersome ones, he should talk to his dr. I know many will make you a bit lethargic. As for his taking 3 different meds - that isn't uncommon. I take 2 regularly (lithium and topamax) and have anti-anxiety pills I can take as needed (ativan), plus pills to help me sleep (ambien). Many people here take multiple pills, to keep their mood swings at a minimum.

There are some AWESOME books and websites out there that can help you more with learning about BP and the treatment of it. I believe one site that is frequented by many here is ww.nami.org. They have many resources there that could be helpful.

Good luck!
Tracey