Hi everyone
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 04-23-2005 - 3:17pm |
Hi,
Hope everyone is well. I haven't been all that great. I'm sorry that I'm not up to date on the posts, and sadly I don't think I will be able to do anything but start from now on and not do the ones I missed.
Stress stinks. I really don't need that on top of the bipolar hell. I'm glad that I finished my exams today, but now I am so worried about my marks now. I need to pass and graduate!
This week I saw the tdoc. I told her I was speeding up. Are you a little bit manic? she asks. Heehee what else would it be? Although she asked, she must have seen it herself, because she said I couldn't wait until May 12 to see the pdoc, what if I got too manic? So she went and got the pdoc, who said I could up my epival by 150mg, and she gave me trazodone for sleep. She said that my family doctor should get back on board. She also explicitly said not to change my meds. I guess she thinks that I'm going to after I told her it was my fault that I increased too fast when I got toxic a few weeks ago. She also said no alcohol that night and go home and go to bed (I've been living at school because during exams the student centre is open 24 hrs for all night study)
I ended up drinking because my friend bought me a belated birthday drink and I didn't go home. I took the trazodone but only slept 2 hrs. Then I spent the entire next day dizzy, shaky and in a fog. I finally went down to campus health at 3:30 and got to see her between appointments. She said try 25mg and go home and get some sleep. I ended up sleeping from 8-12 12-8 and 8-2. I was quite mad about that because I had to go to work and had missed out on my studying time.
Now I am suddenly depressed. How could I be depressed when I was just on the way up. I hadn't reached my peak so I shouldn't have crashed.
Sorry for going on and on.
Amanda


(((((Amanda)))))
Stress does stink and it sounds like you have had a lot of it. I hope it calms down for you soon.
In regards to "Now I am suddenly depressed. How could I be depressed when I was just on the way up. I hadn't reached my peak so I shouldn't have crashed."
I have absolutely had that same thought before. I am still new at this whole thing myself.. but usually know where and what my peak feels like. Bipolar is tough enough.. but then when it decides to be "different" it throws me off that much more. Do you ever feel like you have to be ahead of the game to survive? To anticipate when you switch? Not sure if anything I have said has been helpful.. but I just want you to know we are all here with you. Things will get better.. and who knows.. today could be a GREAT day! :-)
Smiles and hugs to all!
Kristie
Welcome back ((((amanda))))
im sorry you've been having such a horrible time of it. im hoping that things get much better for you. I was manic for a while myself and had the big crash. my week hasnt been that great either. for the last 2 days ive been very very depressed. last nite i did something very stupid. i went over my girlfriends house, she wanted to cheer me up, and me and about 2 other girlfriends finished off a whole bottle and a half of tequila. not only was i very drunk, when i got home, went into a crying jag and didnt take any of my meds. when i woke up i had the shakes so bad, i could barely hold a cup of water. i havent drank like that in a very long time and when i do, its usually a couple glasses of wine maybe once a month. surprisingly today, i don't feel too bad but i didnt take my morning meds either so by tommorrow i'll probably be totally useless.
we all make mistakes, im trying not to be too hard on myself and ill give you the same advice. its never easy being BP and sometimes we are our own worst enemy. im hoping that the coming days bode better for you. you are in my prayers.
valerie
Thanks Kristie,
It is good to know that I'm not the only one facing these unexpected surprises. I hate it though.
Today can be a great day? well here's hoping for tomorrow.
Hugs,
Amanda
Thanks Valerie.
Between the alchohol and mixing or missing meds, I know how it goes. Add to that the newest med and my body hates me!
Hugs,
Amanda
Well, I slept 16 hrs the day after the trazodone, without taking anymore, and therefore missed that night's meds and the next morning's. Then I stayed up all night studying but it still wasn't enough. I couldn't get anywhere near all that I needed to done. (and I hadn't been leaving it all to the last minute. I've had 18+ hrs of studying this week). Exam went okay but I was mad at myself because I could have gotten perfect. She gave us everything we needed to study and I didn't do it all. It's only my fault. Then I slept another 13 hrs today. I'm glad I woke up barely in time to leave for church (and wasn't playing today).
On the plus side I've lost 4.5 lbs this week.
I'll find out about one of my assignments later this week. I think I wrote about going to pickup my one assignment. I keep surprising myself in this class. I thought I did horrible on the midterm and got 91, I didn't know how well I did on that essay and I got 83. This is the same class as my last exam that I didn't get enough studying done. So, here's crossing fingers.
I see Christine tomorrow (I think). Bloodwork tuesday, my family doc wed.
Better figure out what I want to talk to Christine about. I don't know what I'm going to at this point. I really miss her though. I want to talk to her more than anyone else but it seems she's the one I get to see the least. Once again my insecurities are showing their heads...about her dropping me because I don't need her anymore.
Well that's all for me, sorry you have to put up with more.
Amanda
(((((Amanda)))))
How was your appt with Christine? (Who's Christine again? Sounds like a p-doc or a t-doc?)
We're not "putting up with you". If we didn't want you here, we'd say it. We're not exactly a shy bunch of people. But we've NEVER said anything even remotely like that...nor will we! We WANT to hear about your troubles as well as your triumphs. So, please, share...share...share!!
...Days til we meet Zoe!

Hey sweetie...being BP alone is HECK, as we all know...and then add the least amout of stress to it, and BOOM, things start to fall apart.
Thank you :) I wish I could be a lot less needy and keep putting myself. Sometimes I find myself doing it and want to kick myself for knowing it is my borderline personality manipulation wanting attention. In this case it is just an overwhelming depression.
Christine is my disability counsellor at school.
Other terms that might come up CSD that's the Centre for Student Development...they do disability accommodations.
I also have a tdoc (at CSD) and pdoc is at Campus health...still in the same building on campus. There is also a hospital only a minute or two across campus. We are a teaching hospital.
I don't think I have mentioned tdoc or pdoc by name and don't plan on it. I don't care if I reveal my identity to you, but I'll respect theirs.
Amanda
Aww thanks Keli,
I don't know what's up or down right now. One moment I'm sure it was all a mistake and I am on the way up, I just had a reactive depression, or it was from the horrible physical effects of the medication change. Then I'm on the verge of tears again and feel like I have never felt anything but this way. My sleeping and eating are becoming less of an indicator because I am taking my willpower over them. I just have so much to do at night and have to get up at a certain time in the morning that I sleep little by default (except the 16 and 13 hrs) I got after the trazodone incident. Today out of nowhere I got the feeling I should go inpatient. The tdoc doesn't see what I say I feel. She said this week "i've seen you more manic" (at least that means she believes me a little...that is always one of my worries!), pdoc probably would never say that is an option. Family doctor well he's the next person I'll see but again, how do I walk in calm and ask about inpatient treatment...it's like I expect i should be majorly visably freaking out to be needing that kind of treatment...well if i was freaking out that much, I wouldn't make it to my dr's appt!
Well I'm not sure where I'm going with this (what's new there?)!
Love,
Amanda