Major triggers ahead! And a I mean it!
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| Sat, 04-30-2005 - 8:24pm |
Excuse my absence (and excuse the cross-post)
I have been far from well. After work Wednesady I took the bus downtown and then started walking down the street taking handfuls of pills (which amazed me, because I can never swallow more than one pill at a time...I was twelve before I could even swallow pills at all).
I ended up at the hospital, walked in on my own two feet. There was not even any triage nurse to be seen when I walked up. Grr. Once she finally got there I remember she said she'd be right back and I don't know if she came back and we started talking or if I passed out before that, but I don't remember any of it so I know I passed out somewhere around there.
All I can remember is being restrained (just checked and my wrists are very bruised too!) and having a mean security asking me where I was going every other minute. I must have had an iv because i have tape marks and a pin hole as well as a huge bruise on the back of my hand.
I don't remember being made to throw up.
I remember being in 3 different places, feeling alone and having no idea what was going on.
One room had a bed and pillow in one if I can trust my memory at all
The last one had a 4 chairs and a gurney. I slept in the chair right in the corner.'
I remember a woman with a red skirt. I have to have it!
There was another woman with her.
The nurses were mean.
The treated me like a baby and like I had no idea what was going on ( and should have)...of course i had no idea what was going on because I was working on 50 tranquillizers!
The let me go with the number for COAST (Crisis Outreack and Support Team) and gave me a taxi voucher. No one walked me out the door. I couldn't see straight or think straight. I could barely stay awake).
I am quite upset with the way this worked out. My mom called my dr. Fri (reg. dr) who said I should go back to st joes because i was still stoned and they have the best psych facilities) well I'd argue against that!
I never did and I wish i did. THey should have let me sleep or whatever for a day and then done the talking and stuff that they tried to do throughout because i have absolutely no memory.
They should have kept me 3 days at least. I'm even thinking a week. I was actually thinking of going inpatient last week. I don't know how it works and both my doc and pdoc would probably not go for that. They seem to think I appear pretty normal. Well guess what, I just tried to kill myself and I still seem pretty normal.
GRRR..
Amanda


WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They did not put you in the hospital?????????? I was "Baker Acted" when I took an overdose. It's where you are a danger to yourself or others and spend up to 72 hours in a mental facility. Not every place a law like this though, that's just what they call it in Florida. P&Pt for you getting better help.
Vista
Amanda:
Oh honey I am SO sorry you had such a horrible experience at the hospital - but I am glad you survived!!! We would all feel terrible and miss you awfully if you had succeeded.
If your pdoc and regular dr don't think you are depressed enough for going inpatient, then it is time for you to ignore them. Please call your pdoc ASAP and let them know what is going on and what you had done. Explain that you don't feel as though you are safe and that you really think you need to go inpatient - and that you will with or without his help.
I know when I went inpatient it saved my life - as I have heard from other people on this board. It is highly unlikely you would have a similar experience if you went inpatient.
Good luck - and let me know if you need to talk...I'll have my yahoo IM up tomorrow while at work if you need to get a hold of me.
Take care and we are ALL here for you!!!!!!
Tracey
Thanks Vista,
No, they didn't keep me. It turns out it took 3 days for me to get over being "stoned" (I don't think they made me throw up). I find out that benzos are hardly lethal. I guess it would have taken a lot more. I was in EPT (emergancy psychiatric treatment - i.e. psych ER) for 22 hrs. Apparantly I was coherent. I know that i was not. I'm wondering now if I've been dissociating - so as to function and not remember it. This has happened a lot lately, or maybe I'm just noticing it more. It scares me though. It angers me that they discharged me. I don't know if there was any therapy going on, but if it was, it was of no use to me, as I don't remember it. Even for days after, I was quite loopy. I got nothing out if being there. I really would have liked them to keep me and do some therapy. In fact I've been wondering lately if I need more intensive inpatient therapy because the depression is not lifting.
I always feel that people don't believe I'm depressed, that I look fine. It appears that the hospital didn't even take me seriously. And of course everything appears back to normal. I never asked the tdoc about inpatient therapy, but I don't know if she is the person to talk to about anyway. I see my dr. on Wednesday and will talk to him then. Of course I probably appear like I don't need it GRRRRR. I will also talk to pdoc about it, but I don't see her until the 12th.
God I wish people believed me when I say how badly I feel!
Amanda
Tracey,
Thanks.
I'm so scared about asking about inpatient. As I said in a previous post that no one takes me seriously and tdoc said it took a suicide attempt to be taken seriously, but apparantly that is not the case. The hospital obviously did not even think so.
Unfortunately pdoc is only at school Wednesday and Thursday. I don't know if she can be contacted otherwise. I also don't like to bug her when I don't have an appointment as I know that she is completely booked up. She has seen me previously on her lunch and in between appointments.
Tdoc said I could call if I need to and if she isn't there she can be paged. I would assume pdoc can be phoned or emailed, but she is not on file with the university address system.
Hugs,
Amanda
Amanda:
I know firsthand how difficult it is when no one believes how bad you are doing. Before I was dx'd, I tried to od and that led my parents to finally say that maybe it WASN'T just teen angst. They got me a pathetic excuse for a tdoc. The next time I felt like harming myself, I called and made an emergency appt with him....and he listened for 5 minutes to me flat out telling him what I wanted to do to myself and how scared I was and replied totally off subject about his kid going to some rock concert! Needless to say, I put myself inpatient (with the help of a crisis line) about a week later.
If your pdoc or tdoc does not believe you, or doesn't understand what you are trying to tell them, then take the next step without them. I KNOW, not think but KNOW, that I would not be here today if I hadn't gone inpatient.
Call your pdoc. Even if they are not on site those days they should have a service. Leave a message that it is an emergency and that you need urgent help. Do the same thing with your tdoc. And be emphatic that this is how you are feeling. Tell them about being in the ER if they don't already know. Stress to them that you are afraid of what you might do to yourself. PLEASE!!! Do not worry AT ALL about "bothering" them. This is their job and they will be glad you did when they realize how depressed you are.
I'll make sure to have my Yahoo IM up at work tomorrow (um, ok after looking at the clock I guess that would be TODAY) so if you need to talk or any support please let me know. If you don't still have my IM just email me at th305899@yahoo.com....I check that all the time.
Take care sweety! I know how hard this is and you are being incredibly strong and I know that I probably speak for everyone when I say how proud I am of you for realizing that you probably need to get some intensive help yet to still be on track to graduate this year! That alone is an awesome accomplishment!
Hang in there!!
Tracey
Thank you Tracey,
I don't know what it is with the world not believing when people are in such distress. I can see with the general public the stigma around mental illness, and not viewing it as a real illness, but in health care you'd think this wouldn't be a problem, but that is how I felt even in the hospital. I've been told by others on the boards that inpatient will be better than EPT. I sure hope so. I see my family doc tomorrow and pdoc in 8 days. I hope they can see I need help.
I would like to be able to take that step without them, but I don't know how I would go about that. I self referred to the MH clinic, but as far as I know to go I/P you need a physician referral.
I don't know why I'm chicken about calling the pdoc or at least calling the office to see if there are any openings, but I am.
Thank you for your kind words. I don't feel all that strong and not proud of myself. I'm trying - I gave myself a pat on the back yesterday for the marks and graduating. I think that's the first time I have in my life.
Thanks,
Amanda