Just been lurking... (loooong post)
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| Mon, 05-02-2005 - 3:22am |
I'm sorry I've been lurking for so long without really participating. I've been really self-involved lately. I've been doing a lot of really important thinking and journaling, though, so it's not all just selfish. One of the things I'm journaling about is my purpose in life. Sounds kinda vague and Freudian, but I really mean it. Up until now, I've made my purpose to just: be nice and save people from hurting the way I've hurt. But I know I've got a better reason for being here. I've been trying to figure it out. (In fact, I'm taking a break from journaling it right now. I'll get back to it in a few minutes.)
I've been lurking quite a bit and reading up on everything. I'm a little bit late at it, but it gets done. I'll be around. I'm doing well...very stable. My meds are working great! My pregnancy is just getting to that stage where things are going to be happening fast, so I'm taking it a little bit easier until that eases up. Major growth spurts ahead. On the 4th I have an OB appointment to find out if it's

Glad to hear you are stable!
Good luck with getting the appointment.
I'm hoping for a girl for you. Two of my friends just had boys. I want a little girl. Haha. Living vicariously again.
Hugs,
Amanda
***Possible Triggers***
Unfortunately, I'm having another boy. I don't want the one I already have, and I don't want this one. I've been seriously thinking about giving my kids up for adoption. I can't handle them. My husband doesn't help. In fact, he makes it all worse. He's just another big kid that I'm trying to raise. I'm the only female in my house. Even my cat's a male! Speaking of cats...Meatball (my kitty) is at the vet right now. They kept him overnight because they found crystals in his urine. They quoted me at or less than $367. Nope. $450 freaking dollars! I have $6 in my account. They require the exam fee ($34) and half the quote up front, then a post-dated check for the other half. I had to sell half my DVD collection and clean out my savings just to meet half of this bill. I'm PISSED! My creditors are calling 8-9 times a day, 7 days a week. The last 3 days, I've been woken up by them at 8:00 am. Then my son is screaming and whining and being a pest all day...throwing toys at me, hitting me, screaming at me. He won't listen to me. He listens to my dh right away, no questions asked. Even if I scream at him he doesn't listen. He doesn't listen if I speak quietly, either. I might as well not even be in his life. He doesn't want the food that I give him, but he'll eat it quickly if my dh gives it to him (the same food). He won't give me hugs or kisses, but voluntarily does it for my dh. Aryc is 20 months old.
(((((((Aislinn)))))))
First of all I must warn you I cannot give advice. I am not capable of that right now, and cannot hold myself responsible for anyone else's life. (Knowing me I'd screw it up even more). What I can give is support and understanding. My heart is breaking knowing that you are feeling so bad.
You said:
I just want to be free of all this. I want to finally be appreciated and listened to and have someone take me seriously. Nobody ever takes me seriously around here. Nobody ever understands just how not joking I am. I feel like I have to do something dramatic for them to look at me and say, "Wow. Maybe she wasn't kidding. Maybe we should have paid attention to her instead of ignoring her." But there's nothing that I can do now because I'm pregnant. All my other coping skills are taken away from me -- drinking, smoking, suicide, even just sleeping.
Aside from the pregnant part I could have written this and probably have in different words, particularly around "the" day.
Let me tell you, that it may feel that no one takes you seriously, but guess what there is someone out there who will. You just haven't found them yet. Aside from that person, there are others who do take you seriously and care very much about you, and I'm sorry I can't be there in your real life, but all of us on the board do care.
Please take care of yourself.
Love and hugs,
Amanda
Amanda, and everyone,
I really do appreciate all of your love and support! I know that guys will be here for me and that you do take me seriously. I had a marital/parenting counseling session today. It went really well. I read her (the counselor) and my dh the entry I just posted. It opened up a lot of doors that I didn't even know existed. I am about to sit down and journal about it, in fact. I'm feeling a lot better now. A different perspective is all I really needed. I knew that when I was writing earlier, but it felt like nobody would give me a hand in figuring out the new perspective. My dh was so busy trying to fix the problems that he wasn't listening to the root issue(s). But I really felt heard today. He got it. So now we can all focus on fixing the issues because they've really been