Update...feeling helpless..a little long
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| Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:27pm |
Things with my bipolar are going ok. I have been still having anxiety and I am feeling depression swoop over. It is like through the day I am up and down. It isn't bad up and down just thinking of what reality is right now and not being satisfied with the way things are and it doesn't seem like I can change anything.
My BF is depressed and lazy. his dad died in November and I know that is a good part of and I am trying to be there for him with that. We talk about his dad alot. I miss his dad too. I lost my dad when I was 17 so his dad became like a second dad to me. My BF doesn't want to work and when he does work it isn't that often and it is only to get just enough for his immediate bills. He is self employed as a painter and carpenter. He can pretty much work when he wants to which lately he doesn't seem to want to. I am ashammed of him sometimes. I love him with all my heart but I worry about when we live together what it will be like. I have already decided I am not marrying him while he is like this.
Sometimes when I go there to visit him on weekends he sleeps alot so I wonder what am I doing there. Sometimes we have a real good time, but his depression is affecting me. I get depressed when I am around him sometimes. He is a big baby sometimes too...complaining alot...booo whoooo.
I just want him to get up and brush himself off and get on alittle more with life. We never do anything together except watch TV or movies. we are always at home. I have told him about how I feel about everything and he says he will work on it but then it goes right back to the sleeping, not working and us not doing anything.
I needed to vent to someone about this and I know all of you are willing to listen and are understanding people. My BF goes to a tdoc but not a pdoc. He has NO insurance so it is hard for him to go see a pdoc or a regular doc about anything. If you don't work you don't have money for those things...right
I don't know what to do about this situation. I feel like I just have to put up with it because I love him. He puts up with my rollercoaster rides with my bipolar. I feel the difference is I really try to live my life day to day the best I can and he just gives in and doesn't get up. He even sometimes doesn't get up to take his son to school or when he does his son only goes some of the time for him, so it is both of them making school absences. Maybe I should look at the son situation as none of my business.
My mother is smoking AGAIN :(
I hate that! She is dying of emphysema and she is adding poison to the situation. I guess she has a death wish. She almost died 2 times in the past 7 months and she still lites up a cig. My tdoc says I need to prepare myself for her death...whenever that may be...in a day, in months or in a year or so. How can someone prepare themselves to lose a great mom and their best friend? I have no other people in my family that I am close to. My sister and I are somewhat close but I can't really talk to her about somethings because she will run her mouth to her daughter or someone. I do have my dd, which is good but she isn't someone I can confide in about my personal feelings. I have BF that loves me but doesn't have a stable life. I just feel things are looking bleek right now.
My dd was put on the patch about 6 weeks ago for birth control and the darn patches won't stay on right. I had her on depo and that made her bleed all the time. She is telling me she doesn't think she can remember to take the pill everyday. I can't give her the pill everyday because there are days I am at my BF's spending the night and I won't be there to give it to her. I am afraid she will get pregnant. She is only 15 going on 16. I can't wait until she is all grown up and making decisions on her own and I can have some relief. I feel sometimes like I don't do this parenting thing so good. I definately don't need a baby to take care of. I am done after my dd. I don't want a grand baby until maybe 10 years from now but it looks like I won't get that wish. Teens my God they will send you to an early grave....UGH
Well enough of me venting. Does anyone have any input on how I should handle any of this? Any advice and support will be appreciated.
Love you all,
Tina~

Hey Tina!