Hello....... A newbie here....(long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Hello....... A newbie here....(long)
7
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 11:19pm

Hi, I'm not at all sure on what to say here, although I do know I am bipolar type 1 with anxiety and trichollomania. I have been diagnosed since 2002 but feel like I have had this all my life. I can clearly remember sitting in elementary school pulling out my eyelashes and having panic attacks. I am currently on Cymbalta, triliptal, zanax, seroquel, and for my COPD I am on flovent, atrovent, sprirva and albuterol. I am also on protonix for irritable bowel syndrom. To add to the list of things that are wrong with me, I also have 2 blocked coratid arteries in my neck. The left is 75% blocked and the right is 65%. Would you belive that I am only 28 years old?

Do you ever feel as if your body is breaking down and you have lost the will to live? Mental illness I can deal with, the COPD (emphysema) I can deal with) the blocked arteries in my neck I can deal with, but all of them put together, and add depression just brings me down to my knees. Why is it that terminal patients with cancer can decline treatment and not be concidered crazy and die peacefully, but someone who has mental illness can only take the meds and hope to get better? The health professionals think it's suicide only, and there's no reprieve for someone like me who is so young, and her body is literally just breaking down.

I have a wonderful 5 yr old who I can't take sledding in the winter, can't do alot of things with her outside and in because it just wears me right out. From the breathing, to the seizures (blocked arteries) to the I just can't get out of bed in the morning, or all day for that matter. She is in PreK all day now, but what happens in the summer? Just have her sit inside all summer and watch TV? that's no life for a kiddo. Now, I know there are other alternatives, but I am on Social Security, and money is tight. And an assisted income summer camp is just too m much hassle. She came home from public school a month ago and said that she knows the difference in boys and girls (thier private parts) I do not want her involved in speaking and acting like that.

Why can't I get the surgeries to get things straightened out? Well medicaid here in NY states that I make too much on Social Security Disability, and child support, so I have to wait for Medicare. This will start in September, as the 24 month paid period ends. Thank goodness.

But I don't think that I will make it until then. My body is broken, physically and mentally, and there really is no end in sight. I go for the tests that my pulmonoligst, neurologist, vascular surgeon and my primary wants, and the bills are just adding up. I make too much (only by $300) to be on Family health plus, and Healthy NY is only for working families. But I feel as if no Dr is treating what I have or even helping.

There's suicidal thoughts that persist. And they are very very real. I think the only reason that I do not do this is because I live with my 84 yr old grandfather and my 5yr old daughter and those would be the people that would find me. But believe you me, the minute that I can do it, I will. I've tried several times over the last month, but I keep waking up in the morning. Why is there not an assisted suicide law for something like this.

I pray that something like cancer happens, so I can get health insurance and that they can figure out why my legs hurt so much and I keep getting moles (dark ones) and brown freckles on me. They just keep sending me for more tests and no diaganosis. They say more tests. Well, I've had enough of tests, so now what?

Please help, I"m at my wits end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 1:23am

(((((((jenny))))))) you sure have had your blows to deal with and it's easy to understand your feelings. you are among many who have and/or are there. many people here have other health stuff too and they can help you perhaps better than i can. but the one thing that really sticks out to me is your 5 year old dd. as much as you may not see it right now, she needs her mom very much and to lose you would devastate her. i understand the frustration about not being able to physically interact with her, but a mom is soooooooo much more than that. don't give up please. you are among friends here and we want to help you in any way we can, even if it's just listening and offering cyber hugs and insight. you are important, whether you see it right now or not. i know it's hard to see it at times but that's when you have to believe that others believe it. please hang in there and keep posting. we do care!


hugs,


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 2:11pm

Hi Jenny,

I am soooo sorry to hear of your troubles... It IS a lot for any one person to handle. I sincerely hope you can just hold on and not let everything overwhelm you. Your daughter needs you and loves you, no matter if you can't do a lot with her outside or not.

I don't have any advice to give you, just good wishes for you.

Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 2:56pm

((((((JENNY)))))

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry i am for all your troubles. i can't even say that i totally understand because it just seems like just so much. But i will tell you that you are stronger than u know. No matter what life keeps throwing at you, your still here! like the others said, think of your daughter and grandfather! its very easy for us here or anywhere to say wish we could.....go away, i say that myself at least 4 times a day, i'll tell you what my DH says, "What are we supposed to do when your not here?" in other words, your family needs you more than you know. think how hurt they would be. think of how proud your grandfather and your daughter are of you! think of the lessons that you are teaching your daughter, how to presever inspite of all the odds, how to be strong and hold on and by digging deep within yourself you can find the strenght to wake up every morning and thank god that you did wake to face another day, to look upon your daughters face. you haul yourself up and love and hug her and your grandfather, they both need you so much!

i know its not easy, i have to think of reasons to go on myself and when i feel this way, i log on to this board and talk to my friends cause when i can't think of a reason, they sure can!

i pray that you find answers to all your medical issues. i pray that the Lord gives you strength and knowledge. i pray that all your financial problems are resolved. and i pray that this day and all the days forward be happy ones and may god grant you peace and protection.

valerie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 8:09am

Thank you Valerie. Last week was very rough on me. I had just moved back in with my 84 yr old grandfather after living in an apartment for 6 months. His health and outlook really took a downward turn after I left, even though I was only a mile away. Not even really. My 5yr old daughter (his great-granddaughter) is the light in his eyes. Last weekend, my grandpa makes pasta and alot of his kids come over for the free meal (he has 11 kids spread about the country) and my aunt (Maria) who has a child who is 20 and planning a wedding was going over the invitations with Amy (her daughter) and was getting upset with her becuase they didn't agree on alot of things. Then Maria turned to me and started in on me on how I am not mentally competent to take care of my daughter and threatened to call CPS on me and make a list on how many things I am "neglecting" my daughter. This escalated into a screaming match where I just finally picked up and left heartbroken. I am a damn good mother, even at my worst mental times. She has called CPS on me once before, and now has done it again. So settling in with them on thier home visit, they determined that it was a false report on Monday. On wednesday, I was at the church rectory, after going to the bank, signing the papers on my new apartment, my councelor and my mother's job (which is at the county sherriff's department) I was on my way home and a friend called me and heard that I was on the police scanner stating that I was going to "kill myself and they were there to take me to the hospital". I was not home, but returned about 15 minutes after they left. But the terrible thing is that my grandfather got dragged into this all over again, and was probably embarrassed that the police were at his house. (we live a very quiet life.) Grandpa had seen me that day, and told them that I was NOT suicidal, and was just out running errands (church, bank, apartment hunting because Maria has made it known she does not want me here.) I spoke to my father about it last night (he lives in Texas) and he told me to go and get a restraining order because she went into my room in the cellar and took a few things that she "didn't like" on sunday when this argument happened. Also, he is telling me that I should press charges and get a restraining order. My question is why should I do this and cause Grandpa more grief, and heartache? Last week, yes, I was very unstable, but as always it passes, and the pscyh upped my medications when I saw him on Monday. But there was no suicidal intentions on my part since last week. I can not imagine who else would call the local police department and say this. I believe she is annoyed that she didn't get her way or just that she is just as sick in the head as I am. I don't know, but it is stressful, but once again let me say I AM NOT SUICIDAL!!! Last week I was very much so, but this week is a whole other story. We all know how the mood swings get us, and last week I was very depressed. This week is like it never happened. UGH, it's all so frustrating. And honestly embarrassing. I'm always afraid that someone WILL find me incompetant to care for my daughter, even though I am a good mom. Maybe not the best, but who is? I guess I am off to the police station to file reports (which I do NOT want to do) and get this all straightend out. But most of all, thank you all for letting me vent and for listening. I feel bad laying this all on my councelor, because I know she is paid to help me, but still.... she is the only one that I can talk to about this. Geeze, reading this I sound about 15 years old -- crapping about my family. lol.

Thank you all for reading and listening. It's been a big help. I am for sure going to keep up with this board. I've never really been on a board for this, and it's encouraging to say the least. I should have done it a long time ago. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 10:56am

Jenny,


It sounds like you're taking all the right steps! (That's why the "celebration" emoticon.) The mood swings are really rough! I think, personally, that's the most embarassing thing for me, but only because people don't understand, to be suicidal one week because I'm so depressed I can't even eat or get out of bed, then be okay in the next few days (I'm a very rapid cycler). I can't explain it so people just think I was joking about how serious it was. Makes me want to rage at them because I don't know how to explain it, and I get really frustrated when I don't know how to make myself heard.


Sorry. Tangent. I think you're doing a great job of holding it all down from hitting the fan! Your sister probably does have a lot of issues on her own that make her unstable. If she's yelling at her daughter because her young child doesn't like wedding invitations or whatever, that's not totally stable, ya know? Anyway. Please keep hanging in there. Your grandfather, I'm sure, has been through much worse. I'm betting that his main goal in life right now is to love and be loved, and to support you as much as he can. You do that same for him! He may be getting older, but he's still a big boy. He can handle whatever comes up. If he's getting tired of it, it's probably because he's seen it happen before with other people and just can't believe it's happening again. If

~ Aislinn
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:36am

(((((Jenny)))))

its like my grandma used to say, "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family!" you just hold on, things WILL get better. as far as certain people in your family saying your not a good mother, the heck with them! sounds like jealousy to me. maybe this relative of yours is mad because you get more attention than her? or maybe, like you said, she needs help herself. at any rate, try not to let her get you down. sometimes you have to cut certain people out of your life, unfortunately, that sometimes involves family. we all try to keep only positive folks in our lives but sometimes fate just doesnt allow for that. when negative folk do hurtful things to me, i pray for THEM. I know its difficult but for someone to continuously call CPS on you is down right harrassement and deframation of character, and that can be corrected thru the court system. i know it seems harsh and you may feel like it might overwhelme (sp?) you, but at least it can get this person off you back.

like i said before all this makes you stronger. it may sound cliche' and it may not be something you want to hear, but believe me its true. take it from someone whos walked down that road not with family, but with so called friends. perhaps you can give members of your family info on BP, maybe they don't really understand the nature of BP. most people think they do, but they don't. talk to your pdoc and your tdoc about it. thats what their there for.

you get yourself your apartment for you and you daughter. the best revenge is success. show all of them you are a strong independant woman and nothing they can say or do can hurt you or stop you. and as far as certain members of your family goes, take them to court if you have to and stay away from those that mean you harm if you can. You have better things to worry about like taking care of and loving your daughter and decorating your apartment! continue to love your family but know which ones to avoid.

read psalm 7 and then say this prayer afterwards;
O Lord great, strong and highest God, may it please thee to change the hearts
of my enemies and opponents, that they may do me good instead of evil.

I hope that i don't offend you religiously, i only want you to feel better and to be happy. i hope i accomlished that!

email me anytime! this is my wish for you; peace, love, strength and patience.

valerie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 2:36pm

Thank you again, I totally agree about the rapid cycling, last week I was so suicidal, and now it's just like oh well... how could I have thought about that?? I cycle rapidly, and it IS frustrating for other people, let alone yourself!!!

THank you again :)