I need yall more today than EVER!
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| Wed, 05-11-2005 - 9:13am |
Could be a trigger for some.
Today would have been 12 years exactly! I'm having a VERY HARD time. X called this am and said that he was thinking of me and knew I was sad and having a hard time and that all he wanted was for me to be happy, healthy and to move on. OK. That was very sweet. He really is sorry for how he treated me and I'm sorry for how I treated him. BUT, it doesn't change the past, I know. We were miserable together, but it wasn't always like that. Well, anyway. He's happy with her. OMG, that hurts so da** bad! He is toxic to me. I just can't see myself being happy. EVER. Especially feeling so crappy! May use to be the month that I looked forward to, now this day has come and I want to run away. Pdoc never gave me anything for a panic attack and yall.....I've had one every few minutes since I got up. I'm still feeling the effects of the discontinuation syndrome and it isn't easing up at all. The nausea is lessened by phenegran but everything else is there, the shocking feelings when I move one inch. I'm miserable. I'm so very sad.
Carla

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Carla,
I know exactly how you feel about your xdh...but you CAN move on from this, honey...my dh had an affair with my best friend and it hurt like HECK...but I moved on...it wasn't easy, I wasn't medicated, in fact, i pretty heavily self medicated most of the time...I made a mess of my life, and I had to face the cold, hard, facts of reality hitting me in the face every second of every day.
Keli,
Thank you for your sweet words. I wish I could get that through my head. I really don't know how to face it. I guess the tdoc will help on the 17th. I'm a complete mess today. I can't start the abilfy until tomorrow. The pharmacy doesn't have it in until later today and I'm suppose to take it in the morning. I hope it helps.
It is a harsh reality to know that all those years that I loved and was devoted to him that he beat me, cheated on me, forced me to abort the only child I actually had growing in my uterus. We had two tubal pregnancies and then the procedure as I call it. I still have to face that pain and it was almost 5 years ago. I literally hate myself for doing that. My Mom says that I did the right thing, I don't think I did. I can't go back and change it, and knowing now what I do I doubt I would. I'm sure he'd hurt the baby too. Well, emotionally he would have because he would have left anyway. Today sucks. I'm going to ask my boss if he'd mind if I took an extended lunch to get my meds. BUT....I'd rather go home.
I know what you mean about self medication. I drank and smoked p** to try to ease the pain for years. I can't say I wouldn't do that today either. IF I had it, I'd smoke it. I hate that, but at least I would forget the pain for a minute or 20.
Carla
Carla ((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) to you!
You are going through a tough time right now but it won't be like this forever...this too shall pass. I know that right now it is hell on you. You will pull through this because you are a strong woman. Getting through a abusive relationship is hard enough but when we leave the relationship we don't know what to do with ourselves because we are used to the abuse and fighting that everyday. Also, we have to let go of the dream that maybe one day he will change and make us happy and love us the way we want to be loved.
He is toxic to you and one day he will be toxic to this new woman he is with. He is on his best behavior right now. My x was very neglectful and mentally abusive to me. When he met this new woman and was so loving...I thought what the heck is this. I thought it was me he just treated like that. After time went by and he married her and he was comfortable he did the same thing to his new wife. Now she is being neglected and mentally abused. I tried to warn her but she didn't listen. Now she knows what I went through.
You moving on is the best thing for you even though right now it seems like the hardest thing you ever had to do. You have been through ALOT and you deserve happiness and you will get it one day when you heal. Time will heal you. Ending a relationship is like death. It is a big loss even if it was abusive. But remeber you are worth more then being abused and you will become healthier. Just set a goal to become healthier and look forward to that. Easier said then done I know, but it is a goal that is a good one.
I know how it feels to withdrawl from meds. Not all of them but one. I withdrew from Risperdal and it was no picnic. I had problems from it for awhile and then the new pdoc I got put me back on it. I do feel better and your pdoc will find new meds to help you. Hang in there honey. It really will be ok.
Tina~
Thank you so much. WOW. I guess I'm not alone in this world after all. I think if I had fought back maybe I wouldn't feel this weak. Which is wrong, had I fought back he would have killed me, I learned that early on. MEN!
You know I tried to day dream about having a sweet, loving romantic man. Then I thought, okay Carla this is mania. I felt as if I was sitting myself up for a severe disappointment. I know there are good men out there, but I truly think I'll never find one for me. I'm scared to death that I'll be this way for my entire life. Who want to subject a person to bp if they don't have to? I guess it is pity me day. Sorry.
I know this will get better but it is so hard to really believe it since I feel so empty and lost now. One day my prince will come. =o) I hope.
I've been listening to some music that is really helping me. SHeDaisy: Get over yourself. THat rocks, and Bless the broken road by Rascall Flatts and I didn't know my own strength Lorrie Morgan. I don't care what people say about country, it can help. Esp these songs. Oh and How do you get that lonely by Blaine Larsen really has saved me from taking a bottle of pills, at least twice. That young mans voice hits home a lot when he sings that song. I want to tell him how I got that lonely. I may write the young man. He may never get the letter, but at least I know I tried to convey how it has touched me.
Carla
Carla --
I am currently in a bad marriage, and spent most of last night crying - in fact I cried myself to sleep and this morning have a terrible headache. My husband had sinus surgery last week; I waited on him hand and foot, and last night "he" was back. If he ever said anything nice to me I think I would faint - everything he says is derogatory and sometimes just plain mean.
I am sorry that your husband made you abort your child. That has to be an extremely hard thing to deal with. It probably doesn't help you much that the ex continues to be in contact with you. It's hard to have closure when they are still around. You'll find someone - it may take time, but there's somebody out there who can make you feel like a human being instead of a doormat.
I hope you have a better day than yesterday.
Carla,
I just wanted to tell you that I believe there IS someone out there for you. It took me three marriages to get it right, but my DH is a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful person. He is supportive and smart and funny and loving and everything a husband should be... It CAN happen... don't give up!
Catherine
P.S. I love country music and those songs especially too!!!!
ALL MY LOVE & HUGS!!!!!!!!!!
Carla --
I just wanted to tell you that I am very sorry for how we started out (a few weeks ago). I'm beginning to realize that I can't handle everything on my own, and that it's really easy for me to tell someone else what to do when I can't even get my own life straightened out. Again -- I'm very sorry and I hope there are no hard feelings.
I hope you're feeling better this afternoon.
I apologize if I did anything to you. I hold no ill will. I know we are all on edge most of the time, and I'm the worlds worst to jump and yell and show my a**. I'm sure you know that. I'm not a good person to hold onto the way I feel. I usually get into trouble when I do that. But to be honest I can't remember what happened. So....that just says that it is even more fine. I care about everyone on this board, if we disagree that simply means we are human. Seeing that I've felt like an alien lately that is a good thing. =o)
HUGS!!!!!!
Carla
Whew - LOL
This board has been a lifeline for me. It is truly nice to know that I am not alone in my ups and downs.
I've grown to really care about a lot of people on this board.
Are you feeling better this afternoon?
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