Hi everyone, trigs maybe

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Hi everyone, trigs maybe
2
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 8:56am

I'm sorry about not posting. I haven't been up to doing much in the last few weeks. I don't even know when I posted last. Probably after going to the hospital.

Work last week was heck. It was so busy for the first 1 1/2 hrs that I was ready to scream, and would have been even if it wasn't my first day back. Then I had to deal with everyone from next door confronting me on the OD. I'm sick of the question "Why?" and hearing "I'm your friend, you know people love you, you should have called me" If I was in any frame of mind to call you, I wouldn't have *needed* to call you!

I saw tdoc and my family doc last week. Didn't really focus on the OD too much. Almost not at all with my family doc. That was my doing. I don't want to talk about it. I was really sick of it by then.

This week I saw Christine (my disability counsellor, you may recall) and pdoc.

My appt with Christine was awesome. We talked abit about the OD and then moved on. I told her about my sound sensitivity. She said she could ask questions to find out what it is that's making me afraid. We never got to that. We did touch on something that she noticed and said I was obsessed with playing with my "wedding" ring or maybe that she was. I said ya, it's probably just me distracting you ;) But seriously, I didn't make anything of it. I am always playing with something. Usually my class ring is on that finger and I always play with that - or I'll be playing with my zipper, scarf...there's always something.
One of the things she asked me is what it would look like if I could have my one dream. Right now that is serenity and a place of my own, sanctuary. So, we finished of the appt with a meditation to find my safe space. I better practice it so I don't lose it and so I am able to recall on demand.

The pdoc appt wasn't that good. I left there feeling more anxious than I went in and even ended up crying shortly after. The fact that my next appointment isn't until June 22 doesn't help. So we talked about the OD, she thinks it's just a coping mechanism so to speak, that these thoughts are always in the back of my head and have been for a long time and I bring them up as a way of releasing the feelings. Making me feel like there is something I can do about it. I don't think that's entirely it, but whatever. I didn't get in the things that I was supposed to ask her or tell her. We talked about meds and she wants to take me off the Wellbutrin or maybe all meds and start again... she wants to see for herself how I am without meds - that's pretty selfish in my books. Make me go off the meds, so you can judge the effectiveness yourself. Once again I feel like no one is taking me seriously and that maybe she thinks I'm not bipolar again. Grrr.

Sorry about going on. I really needed to get that out and I hope someone makes it this far and will write me back. I feel so alone, lost, misunderstood.

Amanda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 11:25am

Amanda,


You are never alone...I'm always thinking of you and hoping you're okay...and as for your pdoc appt, try not to get discouraged...I had to go off ALL meds too for a while and start over.

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 4:38am

(((Keli)))

Thank you hun.
I hate to think of the OD as a cry for help though. Grr. That makes me mad. I don't know why. I guess in my mind looking at it that way it's *just* a cry for help and then it becomes less serious once again. Funny that if it was because i wanted to be taken seriously that people are taking me even less seriously now. I know why it was and yes it was related to feeling that people weren't taking me seriously. It was also because I just didn't know what to do. I felt like I had been depressed forever (2 weeks lol - but I seem to forget about the mania as soon as I crash) and that nothing was working (for either phase of the cycle) and that I needed more intense help and was thinking about going inpatient. I haven't the slightest clue how to do it though. I felt like I wasn't heard (taken seriously) and lost (didn't know what to do).

Don't diminish what you do for me. You are lots of help, always. Just being here is lots of help. Love you too.

Amanda

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