First manic episode *trigs*
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| Thu, 05-19-2005 - 12:02am |
I had my first manic episode tonight. I was out with a friend earlier, and we had the best time, laughed 'til we cried and our sides hurt. Then my husband called and wanted to know where I was and why I was out so late. He was a real jacka** about it and I ended up crying the whole way home, and am pretty upset now.
Long story short: I had an affair with a man a year and a half ago -- it's been 13 months since we've been intimate but we im each other nearly every day. He's currently going through a divorce and has made it clear that he wants to be with me once he's free. This scares the daylights out of me. My husband and I are not intimate at all - and we're basically just going through the motions on a daily basis. He has forbidden me to get a job, as that would give me money and therefore would be able to leave him.
This other man and I share such passion -- i've never had that in my marriage. I guess you don't realize what you don't have until you find it somewhere. My heart aches for this other man.
So...everytime my husband is ugly to me -- I find myself wondering what I could have sometime down the road. Since I am religious, I am extremely conflicted about everything.
I know I'm rambing, but I'm having a really hard night. I'm totally miserable - I realize that I am not in love with my husband. How is it possible to be so happy and laughing 'til your sides hurt to crying your eyes out 3 hours later?
Anyway -- sorry guys. I'm having a pity party. I took an Ambien about an hour ago and still aren't sleepy.

Cheri,
You probably won't get this from anyone else because it rarely works out this way, but I too had an affair (realized I didn't love my husband, he didn't love me, he was only using me... I DID have a job and he loved to spend my money, etc. etc. etc.) and I ended up marrying the man I had an affair with. We've been married 5 years now and it has been WONDERFUL! My DH is my long-lost soul mate.
I'm not saying that what you or I did was right... affairs are never right, but sometimes you are just married to the wrong person when the right person happens comes along... That is something that only YOU can know... is this new man just a diversion, or is he 'the one'?
Not encouraging you to do anything, just something to think about...
I believed I deserved to be happy, and I wanted to be happy, and I knew I'd never be happy with my ex. So I did leave, got myself an apartment, and six months later moved across country to be with my DH... I've never looked back.
Catherine
I knew I was marrying the wrong person the night before my wedding. I told my parents I was making a mistake, and my mother told me that it was just jitters and we had over 400 people coming to the wedding.
The married man, currently going through a divorce, I truly believe is my soulmate. Like I said, we haven't been intimate in over a year, but talk when we can, and when we DO talk, we can literally talk for hours. I never believed in soulmates until I met him. We can talk about anything and everything and actually do. He also said that you never leave a marriage "for" someone else - you leave because you realize that the person you married was the wrong person. I know I'll leave my marriage at some point, and if I had the money today - I'd be outta here. But...it's just not that cut and dry. I do have a child, and of course, with no job or money, it would be impossible for me to cut and run at the moment.
Anyway -- thanks for your response. I just have days sometimes when I realize what a mess I've made of my life due to poor decisions, and how differently things could/would have turned out.
I'm still just having a bad day today. I'm crying every few minutes - my son is now out of school and wants to know why I'm upset.
My tdoc is in for it Monday when I have my appointment - LOL
Cheri,
I know all about bad decisions! I can't even count mine... (and I knew I was making the monster of all mistakes the night before my marriage to my ex too!)
But... mistakes are also 'learning' experiences...
I really do believe that you can't be happy until you've been unhappy and you can't make good decisions until you've made some bad ones...
Hang in there. When the time is right and you are ready, you will do what's best for YOU... Don't feel bad that you can't do things right now... grace happens when you are ready to receive it :-)
Catherine
I cannot tell you how much your post meant to me. It's very nice to hear from someone who's been there, done that.
I guess when I'm alone and DH is ugly to me (which lately is most of the time), I just find myself wondering and hoping that someday I'll be happy. I'm really good at faking happiness with humor, but when I'm alone, the tears fall.
Again -- thanks so much for your post. I'm glad to know that there is someone who had a similar situation, and things worked out for you. There aren't too many happy "endings" in the world and it just gives me the warm fuzzies to think that it can actually happen.