Back from hospital...trigs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Back from hospital...trigs...
4
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 9:51pm

Hi you all...I just got discharged from the psych ward of my local hospital this morning...it has been a LOOONNNGG few days (I posted a similar message on the Depression Support board). I'd gone in for my regularly scheduled ECT (electroconvulsive therapy, if you aren't familiar with the term) and made some "worrisome" comments, I guess, so I wasn't allowed to leave!

My sister even came up, cross-country, to visit, which was great...but overall it was a crazy, stressful experience...not to mention that the ECT has wreaked havoc with my memory and given me odd "flash-back" feelings and other bizarre, "am I losing my mind" kind of things.

So there you have it...I'm not sure what else to write right now. I just saw my regular psychiatrist, and she didn't change any of my meds, although I'd wanted her to...I'd started having really frequent migraines again, so I'd have liked to try some kind of mood stabilizer that also helps with those headaches.

The docs there said bipolar II could be a possibility for me, but that they've only seen the depression so far, so that's all they can diagnose me with. But my "happy," energetic times involved not sleeping very much and being grateful for every little thing in life...so of course I wouldn't head to the hospital feeling like that. I just wish I could have another time like that...I could sure use a break from this sadness!

I'm going to try to figure out if I can salvage my schoolwork and exams...I'm going to have to reschedule them all. I talked to a dean at my school today who hinted that she knew everything...how humiliating...she even said "it must be so embarrassing for you!".

Hope you all are making it through OK...I would write more about how I'm feeling, but I don't want to trigger anyone. I do want to ask, is it possible for a person to be so lazy that she just wants to lie down and give up on life rather than have to live it? That's kind of where I'm at now. Sorry for ending on that downer of a sentiment!

Hope you all have a good week,

Rose




Edited 5/23/2005 9:55 pm ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:53am

Rose,


You are not lazy honey!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 2:20am

Keli, thank you so much...I've read your post several times, and you have no idea how much it means to me. I've also suspected that I need to be on a mood stabilizer...I did take lithium for a while, and it seemed to help more than most other things I'd tried... the side effects just became too much once I got up to a therapeutic dose (I was visibly shaking, etc). I am taking 3 antidepressants now (Prozac, Pamelor, and Wellbutrin), as well as an over-the-counter supplement, but still my mood has been generally pretty low.

I do have another pdoc appointment on Thursday, so I will definitely think of some questions and/or comments to share then. Oddly enough, today, for the first time, I did have a few hours of feeling really pretty good...my friends even laughed at me for being so energetic that I jumped in a lake fully clothed "just because"! If only that would have lasted...I can't tell you how confused I am by now!

But it is so good to hear about your stability, even with a treatment-resistant form of BP...that gives me a bit of hope for myself. I so appreciate your post...it has inspired me to make a plan, to put down the junk food with which I've been stuffing my face beyond belief and try to calm down and get my life in order somehow. Or at least focus on that possibility for the future.

Thanks also for letting me post here even about these not-so-pleasant things...and for sharing your email address...I will try to intrude as little as possible through that route (although it did cause me to wonder if you might actually know my mom through work since I think she is in a similar area!). OK, really, I'm done for now...just once again, thanks to all of you for the help and support,

Rose

P.S. I also noticed I haven't been sleeping much lately...as I guess you can tell from the time of this post...hope this isn't a sign of some major shift in mood towards hyper-ness...although of course I would be grateful for any path out of that depression!

P.P.S. OK, 4 hours of restless sleep later, and once again I'm up...something definitely seems to be going on here! Oh well...more time to study, I guess...

Edited 5/25/2005 2:32 am ET ET by rosa444




Edited 5/25/2005 6:51 am ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 4:06pm

((((((Rose)))))) BTDT im going thru that stage right now and its driving DH nuts. he actually likes when im manic because im like a whirlwind cleaning machine. i too have much more deression then mania but when im manic.....look out!

look at it this way, its not gonna last forever. you'll be up and chipper in no time. also, talk to you pdoc about increasing or decreasing or changing your med. and to find out if you are definately BP.

there are some wonderful women on this board who know so much more about BP and i hope they will respond to your post.

i hope i was of *some* help! keep us posted!!

WELCOME!!

VALERIE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 4:20pm

Thank you, Valerie...your post was definitely helpful. Sorry it's taken me a few days to reply...it's been a very LONG few days, though! For a while there, I was more hyper than I think I've ever been before...couldn't get to sleep before 2 AM and would wake up by 5 AM ready to go! And eating constantly, and best of all, truly happy for the first time in soooo long.

I was convinced there was *something* going on there. I had a pdoc appointment and told her about my symptoms and even asked her directly if I might need a mood stabilizer. But she suggested that I should just be happy about the continued benefits I seem to be getting from the ECT (although the treatments were finished a while ago)...and asked "you don't want to go THERE, do you?!" when I mentioned a mood stabilizer. I said I guessed not...since there didn't seem to be much else to say to her sarcastic-sounding reply.

But of course that bothered me some. Since then, I've been feeling very confused. I think I've decided I don't want to continue in med school but want to switch to veterinary medicine instead...obviously a huge decision...but I've been going back and forth on it. And my mood has been so bizarre lately...I did finally crash and sleep for about 12 hours straight...but this morning, I started feeling so awful (a mix of strong feelings just churning around inside of me...having no idea what was happening or what to do) that I ended up doing the only thing I could think of, which I know was not a good move...I took a dose of leftover lithium I had from a long time ago.

That lithium had originally been prescribed to help treat my depression, not specifically for bipolar...and no, my doctor hadn't said anything about going back on it. But by this afternoon, I started feeling calmer again and at least able to make it through the day (plus I have a make-up final exam to study for...yikes!).

But I know I can't self-medicate like that. It's just that my doctor won't seem to help me either! I guess it may be partly because I'm a med student...maybe she thinks I'm pretending to know too much by suggesting a mood stabilizer...and that she's the doctor and of course knows better. But I guess she probably does know better...the doctors in the hospital also didn't give me a mood stabilizer, so I guess I should give up on that idea.

OK, so I am going to do my best to take a deep breath, put a stop to the cycle of stuffing my face with enormous amounts of food, mostly junk (and I can't even exercise much since my body's been aching...normally I have to force myself to eat anything, though, so I know I'll gain weight), and try to focus enough to study for my exam. I can't even see my doctor next week because I'm going out of town to visit my parents...but I'm supposed to have a phone appointment with her instead.

Whew, I never knew my brain could do such crazy things! I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have done the ECT if it is responsible for these mood swings. Oh well, at least I'm somewhat calmer now with the lithium...but I know I can't take that again tomorrow, and I don't know WHAT I'll do then. Yikes...

Thanks for listening...my apologies for this incredibly long vent of a post,

Rose




Edited 5/28/2005 4:31 pm ET ET by rosa444