I feel like a total idiot! **trigs**
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| Wed, 05-25-2005 - 8:51pm |
for months now i have been worried about my mothers drinking and smoking because it affects the healing process of her ankle surgery. but that was all that i was seeing. today, i saw what so many other people have been seeing for a long time and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
my mother has high blood pressure, and has for the past 25+ years. she's always taken medication for it and has always been warned by the doc that alcohol should not be consumed while taking the medication. well, like smoking warnings from the doc, she ignores this as well. i always knew she should not mix them but never really knew exactly why.............until today!
today she was saying that she needs to go to the doctor and have her blood pressure medication upped to what it was before she went into the hospital back in january because her blood pressure has been sky-high. she proceeded to tell me that when she was in the hospital the doc reduced the meds because her blood pressure had lowered and she, of course, insists that it was just because she was bed-ridden in the hospital. my curiosity got the better of me, and i went to google and pulled up the effects of alcohol mixed with high blood pressure. my hunch, sadly, was right on the money. the more she drinks and smokes, the more out of control her blood pressure is going to be. and the more at risk she is putting her ownself and there's not a flippin' thing i can do to stop it.
i'm watching a train wreck.......again. my grandmother died in 1990 from alcoholic complications, i just lost my dad in november of '03 due to smoking and drinking with blood pressure problems. and now, i'm supposed to sit idly by and watch my only remaining parent commit suicide. i am not that strong. i'm sorry. my sister doesn't understand why i'm as upset as i am over this, and frankly after 5 years of therapy, and alanon, i don't understand it either. but i guess it just boils down to the fact that i'm not ready to lose her too. but there's nothing i can do. i feel helpless.
i saw pdoc briefly when my daughter went in, but he couldn't squeeze me in today, so



Traci,
OMG, I can so relate to how you feel. My mom has emphysema and has had it now for about 8 yrs or so. She started out just having to use an inhaler and she was able to walk a mile to the store. Then it became where she had to be put on oxygen and use the inhaler. Next, she was put on oxygen at a higher level and 24/7 plus an inhaler and other meds like steriods to help clear the bronchiols(sp?). Then it went to going in the hospital because she would get pnemonia several times. Now she is on oxygen 24/7, uses inhalers, Has a BiPAP machine, which is forced air at night so it will help her not stop breathing. She is also on meds to help clear the air passages. My mom almost died 2 times in the last year. This last time a few months ago was so close the docs told her they didn't think they were going to be able to save her and that they were lucky. My mom can hardly get around her one bedroom small apartment with out running out of breath WITH her oxygen on. My mom STILL smokes. Smoking is poison to her...it will kill her. I just don't know when it will kill her. It may be tonight, tomorrow, next week, next year or 2 years from now but it will kill her. Since she has come close to dying twice I don't have alot of hope for how long it will be so I have been spending alot of time with her because I don't know how long she has.
I do know how helpless you feel. I just talked to my tdoc today about it and my tdoc was saying that I can offer my mom advice on how to tackle her smoking, like the patch, nicorette gum, and quit smoking classes. I can't, however, make her do what I suggest. That will be her decision and how she wants to spend her life. I will miss my mom because she is the best friend I ever had. She loves me unconditionally. She is always there to listen and be there. I can't even imagine life without her. I do know how you feel. I hope your mom will decide to quit smoking and drinking. They are both very bad for high blood pressure. My mom also has high blood pressure. I have high blood pressure and take meds. One good thing is I don't smoke and I don't drink. I hope you know all you can do is love your mom and be there when you can. She has to do the work. She has to decide she wants to live and save her own life. I know that doesn't make you feel any better about losing her. I understand that too. I tell myself I have to deal with reality and right now the reality is my mom wants to smoke even though she knows it is killing her. It is killing me knowing she is killing herself like this. The only thing I CAN do is cherish everyday we do get to have together until we have to be apart.
My prayers are with you and your mom. Hang in there!!!!
Tina~
Hey Traci...many hugs!
(((((Traci))))) My biological father died from smoking and drinking. His doctor literally told us he was pickled from the alcohol and burnt from smoking. Sad, but true. I wish I could give you advice, all i can do is send love and hugs!!!
I wish your Mom the strength to realize what she is doing to herself and those who love her. She's ill, alcohol and smokes (I smoke daily and have been drinking lately) are drugs and it is so hard to come off something you think is your friend. Treat her with kid gloves. Explain it all to her. Have her doc prescribe something that will make her sick when she drinks. I have a friend who takes this and he says it works, and he had a whiskey problem for years after his divorce. Maybe the doc can help, he should!
Again....all my love and hugs...just my 2cents worth.
Carla
PS....Just so yall know, I'm quitting the cigs and the Bud Light myself. Traci, Your e-mail really! hit home. I never want to put my loved ones through what you are going thru. Trust that your post was much more than a vent darlin' you may have saved my life. =o) Love and Hugs! Carla
thank you all for your support. carla, you aren't the only one who is giving up the smokes. it's actually weird - i decided the day before all this went down that it was time to give up the habit. i've tried before, but now i have added incentive. i refuse to do to my kids what my mother has done to her 2 children. we can support each other.......how's that sound?
i guess my biggest problem with all of this is that while i have seen it happening, i haven't seen what it's doing. if that makes any sense. once i saw it in black and white it finally made it real to me. when it should have been real to me a lot longer.
my sister and i talked last night and she is coming to the house next week and we are going to give one last appeal not only for us but for her grandchildren as well. i know she loves them all but i don't think she sees what she is doing to them by cutting her own life short. i've asked my sister to join me to basically keep me in check. my temper has been so out of whack lately that i just don't trust myself.
i went to pdoc and tdoc this morning. pdoc increased my trileptal from 900 mgs to 1200 mgs a day and my seroquel from 300 mgs to 400mgs a day. tdoc was glad i called my sister for back up. that was a huge step for me. i usually take this kind of stuff on my own without asking for help. but i need to control what i say to her because i can't afford to let loose of everything that i'd like to say to her, at least not right now.
then i got hit with the bad news that my insurance coverage is changing and pdoc doesn't subscribe with this company. he's hoping that by september when this happens, i'll be stable and able to switch from once every 2 weeks to once every 3 months, in which case, that would be affordable. don't know if they'll pay for tdoc yet. so far, i'm not liking the new insurance and it hasn't even started yet.
well, i seem to have gone from one tangent to another. sorry about that. again thanks for the support. it means so much to me. i don't feel quite so alone.
traci