Will my life turn around? (trigs?)
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| Thu, 06-02-2005 - 12:38am |
Folks, I was a bit manic for the last few days I think. Whatever the state, it is now including some down stuff, because today, I had to junk the second car I've junked in six months. The frame was too rusted for safe driving. I had a mechanic check it out when I bought it, but apparently, he didn't know his job...
It isn't the car itself that has me upset I believe. That's not a big tragedy- in a month, I am marrying and moving in with my fiance', and will be able to split his car with him. What upsets me is the situation that causes me to not have enough money to buy reliable cars. For years I have wanted to be a school band director. Bipolar got in the way of that, especially in my 20s. I actually did that job full time two years ago, but had an evil principal who found out I had a mental disability and discriminated against me because of it. Now, it seems there are all these barriers to this, the only career conceivably in my reach. First of all, all of the university programs out there want you to invest years' worth of time and energy in useless courses before they let you student teach (I should add that I have enough coursework for the state reqs already, but the universities all want four times more). A NY official told me I could use my subbing experience for the student teaching, but for now the districts I subbed for are refusing to sign the forms, so fights are going on. And even if I am certified in NY, I don't know if that will be good enough to get me certified in Ontario, where I will live with my new husband.
Here I am. Almost 33 years old. I have had one year in a real career, then had to quit. Many people start on careers at 22 or 23. Even if bipolar is partially the cause of all of this, I have to say, being poor and living off SSDI is getting old. I have to believe I don't deserve this, or my psyche will self-destruct.
Will my life turn around? Or, does being bipolar mean a lifetime of living on the margin of society. Please don't tell me a positive attitude is the key, because in my pattern of thinking, positive and realistic are mutually exclusive, be the pattern right or wrong, it exists.
Any encouragement is welcome.
Express.
Beth "Petrouchka"

(((((Beth)))))
You live in Ontario? Is that where you do substitute teaching? In my district you have to be a certified Ontario teacher to do even that. That is what my pastor/counsellor friend said I should look into so that I can have some experience to get into teacher's college, and so that I can have a better job than working in a sub shop.
Let me tell you, people don't get careers at 22. Not all of us anyway. I am 24 and nowhere near a career. Even if I could have gotten into teacher's college after this degree I'd have another year. But my marks suck so I can't get into teacher's college anyway. So I'm doing a second B.A. in geography. That's 6 years of university BEFORE even getting into the B.Ed. program, which makes 7 years of university (man, I could be a doctor after that long - well no I couldn't because I can't do a full courseload, so it's the equivalent of 5 years).
It is never the "only career in your reach" what else could you do with your music talents and subbing experience? I'm having to look at alternatives myself right now.
I don't think bipolar is a death sentence, nor do I think all it takes is a positive attitude. But yes we will always have some difficulties over and above the rest of the general population.
Well my mind is a little confused right now. This has taken me nearly an hour to write!
Love,
Amanda
This is a trivial thing, but I do not yet live in Ontario. I am an American citizen. I did my subbing in Arizona and New York.
I hope your mind clears a bit. We all deserve that! {{{{{{{Amanda}}}}}}
And thanks for writing.
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
((((Beth)))),
No, it's not a trivial thing :) Thanks for clarifying. I hope that you can get all that straightened out...and who knows maybe I should go to NY to sub lol.
And thank you for writing too! I especially appreciate your wishes that my mind clear. Now that may seem trivial...but wow, to me that's wonderful. I guess i figure most people would read over that and not even notice. Thanks.
My thoughts are with you,
Amanda
Hi Beth, long time no see!
(((((beth))))) i have to agree with keli and amanda. the right meds, and a positive fighting attitude are critical but you can live a productive life and a happy one. you are getting ready to go through some major positive changes and that is a step in the right direction.
i know, of all people, how a tired attitude can affect you and the bp. i've been fighting like a dog for several months now and many times have wanted to just give up......most recently, this past weekend. however with the support of the wonderful ladies here, a very dear friend of mine, and an awesome tdoc, i managed to survive the crisis. i'm finally getting my meds squared away, i think, and now i just need to work on readjusting my attitude. i often think about the bumper sticker i've seen so many times..........'i try to take it one day at a time, but several days attack me at once.' i need to learn how to separate the days, so to speak.
we are all here for each other and lord knows i've had more than my fair share of support learning how to deal with all of my stuff. i'm trying now to turn that around and give back some of what's been given to me.
i hope this helps.
hugs,
traci