very hard day for me - maybe trigs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
very hard day for me - maybe trigs?
5
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 10:52am

for the past 2 weeks i've been swinging between hypomania and depression. the depression seemingly worse after tdoc appts. this, i know, is due to what we're dealing with. however, on top of that, i've had to deal with lovely pms this week, which hasn't helped at all.


then, today is a day that i just haven't learned how to deal with yet. less than 2 years ago i lost my dad very suddenly and don't think i've fully gotten over it. i wonder if that will ever happen. but anyway, my kids are very excited about seeing their dad for father's day later today and can't understand why mom's sad. i feel bad because it still upsets me, but don't know how to let it not. i don't know if that makes sense.


if anyone has any tips or ideas, i'd really appreciate them. right now i just want to hide from the world and i know i can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 2:10pm

I know what you mean about the pms. I just got over that too. I think it made me more sensitive this time. I was a mess.

It is hard to get over the death of a parent. I lost my dad 20 yrs ago when I was 17. It took me 5 yrs to stop crying all the time about it. That doesn't mean it will take you that long to deal with your dads passing. I still miss my dad but I have learned to cope with it. I also am able to look back and remember the good times. My dad was an alcoholic so I also remember the bad times. The fact is no one can take your memories away from you. It is ok to feel sad about your dad being gone. It is a hard process to get through and there are many stages to the grieving process. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you feel better.

I have also been through the ups and down with hypomania and depression. It is the worst feeling. Have your meds been ajusted? Maybe you need to call your pdoc if last too long. Sometimes mine only last a few days but when it last for more then that I try to get my pdoc involved.

Hugs&Prayers
Tina~

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 4:40pm

tina,


thank you for your understanding. i am going to call pdoc tomorrow because we started tapering off some of my meds 2 weeks ago and i'm thinking that might be what's behind the swings.


i guess i thought i could get through today with no problem, as i've learned to cope with his passing over the past year and a half. it's just that birthdays, holidays, and the anniversary of his passing still hit me like a ton of bricks. my kids dad stopped by today and when my eldest gave him her gift (a book of poems she had written about him) i fell apart. my youngest was named after my dad and looks strikingly like him. he went away with his oldest sister (ex dh's 1st born) and when he gave me a hug and kiss goodbye, i lost it again. then, a little while ago, my ex called me to tell me how beautiful the poems were and that they actually made him cry. my ex never cries. again, i fell apart. as i sit here writing the events of today, guess what.....i'm falling apart. i just want this day to end and tomorrow to begin.


my dad, too, was an alcoholic and he could get right mean at times. a long time ago i learned how to forgive him so even those times don't seem so bad anymore. the profound sense of love and loss seem to outweigh them. i've often wondered how i was able to forgive him, but not my mother. one day maybe, i don't know.


anyway, i wanted to thank you for your understanding and support. this has been a hard day for me and i guess i'm just trying to hurry through the grief process because it's just out of character for me or something.


hugs,


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 9:04pm

My father pasted away suddenly about two and a half years ago. Father's Day was the last time I saw him. I'm still in denial about his death I think. So what I do is move my thoughts to something pleasent I want to think about. It works pretty well for me. One of these days I'll have to accept reality. My postive thought and prayers are with you.

Vista


crazy

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 9:23pm

I don't know what to suggest. But I wanted to know that I'm thinking about you ((((traci))))

Love,
Amanda

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 10:39pm

i just want to thank you all for your kind words and support.


my 15 yo pointed something out to me just a little while ago that i hadn't even considered. last year, it didn't bother me because we weren't even around on fathers day. we were camping with friends of mine so i never even thought about it then. this year their dad came here and i pretty much had it to deal with for the first time since my dad passed away. so i guess that is the last "first" that i've finally had to deal with.


i am in the process of moving my tdoc appt to earlier in the week as opposed to wednesday because before today my depression was already bad. so i figured after today i could probably stand to change it. i will be discussing the events of today just to keep her informed, because she's been helping me with that as well. it just hasn't been much of an issue recently.


thanks again for all your support and hugs. i really appreciate it.


hugs


traci