Long....but please people read it...even if you glance through and something catches your eye that you can relate to then let me know! I"m feeling REALLY detatched.
Hi hun. Yes I finally saw the pdoc this afternoon. I had expressed concern that our two week follow up ended up being 6 weeks. "Does that upset you?" Yes. "yada yada... when people feel they aren't getting enough from here...referral to...Many people only see me once and we set a plan and go. And by far most do not see me for as long as you have (what is that supposed to mean?!)...longer term more often...elsewhere (ya i'm on that waiting list and have been for almost 6 months (man it feels even longer than that). blah blah blah"
well if we had found a solution that worked then by all means i could go back to my family doctor to continue administering the meds that she has suggested. But there has been no solution.
"You won't find that everything gets all better but keeps from extremes...might alleiviate some of the symptoms...counselling as well..."
There is no solution? Then why do I continue with these half-measures. Why take meds for the rest of my life that may only help a little.
Just because I've seen you more than most, doesn't mean it's time to kick me out and move on.
The official dx is there is no official dx. She's skirting the issue still. Says I have some anxiety and borderline and bipolar but not a dx of anything. Ya right there is something written in my chart I know it.
My pscyhoses aren't really psychoses she says (they are dissociative), and proceeds to rx an AP.
I don't disagree that I have dissociative issues, but at the same time I know that there is something inherently different between the voices and the things I see and feel, and "leaving my body" "going off to my fairytale planet" and letting functioning Amanda take over while Amanda the Mind is gone.
She doubts the Wellbutrin but has me keep it where it is.
YA BUT!!!!!
I'm not being heard. Are we treating the same person here?
This is what led to my OD. No real progress and no one seems to see that and do anything about it.
She says I shouldn't worry about my weight (easier said than done) and when my eating habits even out my weight will.
She did thankfully steer clear of the APs that cause weight gain, and the possibility of tardive dyskensia and also those affecting prolactin levels because of possible bone density loss (and I personally agree with that in that I think my joint problem is osteoarthritis) I wouldn't mind losing my period though!
So the solution? No risperdal for me.
I get a dinosaur AP - perphenazine. Never heard of it.
There should always be a "next step". I always walk out of there confused and maybe even steps back.
I do have another appointment in ANOTHER 6 WEEKS! But as she said...i should be seeing my family doc as a supplement...or vice versa.
I better make an appointment with family doc.
There is nothing wrong but I really feel like I'm in a crisis right now. I see tdoc on monday. I might feel better if i had appts with andrea christine and my doc but can't do that right now
Speaking of crises...
Mom walked in the door.
First thing "What's this! You better not be painting on my desk and getting paint on my computer!" Which led to a heated argument about the fact that I'm not on the computer at the same time as I'm painting so the keyboard is out of the way. And then to me bitching that she walks in the door and starts bitching about all that needs to be done around here and nothing about all the work that I DID do today.
Ugh. My journal entry isn't even this pessimistic and angry (about pdoc)!
My dad is also suddenly interested in what is "wrong" with me. This struck me as strange. He said he had been looking it up on the internet and I said i have a couple books if he wants to read them...now i wish i hadn't Do I want him to go that deep into my illness (and therefore me, my mind)? Ahhh
My mom is all of a sudden involved in what I'm doing (right here and now at this very second)...now she has seen some of my art and writing, and after telling me I should update my resume and blah blah blah. I gave her the stack of jobs that I'm going to apply for, as soon as I get my resume tailored to each of them...but before even that I need to go through it again, after doing some reading. I just had a basic skeleton.
I HAD NEVER WRITTEN ONE BEFORE!
I'm sure you can't even imagine that. Now for the cover letter....another first. I'm not cut out for this and if I can't even do this then there is no way I should have these jobs anyway.
Very quickly I have gone from hypomanic this morning to 'normal' to irritable to rage to depression. Now I feel like I'm sinking fast.
also had 2 panic attacks within an hour
"do the tremors interfere with doing things" yes. Doing things that involve gripping. For some reason it's worse then "can you live with the hand tremors" as they are now? Ya
I'm obsessive and addictive personality. so i'm supposed to take less ativan. That's fine I'll take it only for acute anxiety.
Then there is the issue of my joints which have been killing me lately. My doc, last time I brought it up, said I was too young for joint problems. I guess I better bug him some more.
Then there is the scoliosis that my mom only noticed because of a picture of me where one shoulder is much higher....and then i showed her my ribs. One side the point sticks out. the other side is flat and you can see actual ribs. The point goes back where it belongs when my shoulder is raised like in the pic.
I joked at my grad dinner that my cake matches my manic mental state. HAha everyone laughs. Then I am mad. It's not for you to laugh. It's only funny for me and maybe other bipolars because you don't really know!!!!
I hope if you have read this you will write back with any thoughts. I just need to know anyone is there.
I am sorry that you are in such a place right now. I wish there were some way I could help you. I understand totally about the family not understanding your illness. My husband says he is sick of my moods - I'm sick of him too, but aren't rude enough to tell him that - LOL. If he keeps it up though, I'll have Carla come throw a stapler at him. (You up for that Carla?)
Thanks for your reply. Ya my family doesn't get it, but I don't think I really want them to get it. I mean do I really want my parents to know how suicidal I am? No of course not. Do I want my parents to think I'm promiscuous (bpd)? No.
hmmmm....stapler hun *evil grin*... hopefully I can remember that 6 weeks from now when I see pdoc again muhahah
Today I'm....hmmm...well it's too early to tell. Usually I write late night/early morning so I have my day behind me. I don't know how I feel yet today, but overall, not too fast so I doubt it's manic ;)
Walking home last night I felt pretty depressed, so I'd have to guess that's where I am today. Considering yesterday I slept in, took the day off work, and saw my friend that I haven't seen in a long time and went bowling which I haven't done in a really long time (I couldn't find my shoes! Like I'd wear rentals :p yuck!) So I should have been happy, at least a little. But no. Sigh.
We'll see how today goes. I'll try to post when I get home from work. That will be pretty late though so I don't know. If I was manic still I'd say yes...of course...who needs sleep?! ;)
I try not to apologize for posting, heck I tell people the same...but it was one realllllly long post.
I don't care what pdoc says. I know my dx. I have known for a long time. I think what she means by saying I have some elements of this and that is that I have nothing. I think she believes that these symptoms are not part of a disorder but my reaction to childhood SA and how I grew up. Therefore if I just "talk it out" I'll be fine. Whatever.
The issue with the AP is not just weight gain but also Tardive Dystonia and I think Dyskinesias (although I already have a tic disorder...which she hasn't said anything about lately, but is the only thing that she did originally say I had) and elevated prolactin. Then of course there are tremors, which I already have.
Hmm. The bottle of pills she gave me in case of the muscle spasms labells it acute dystonia. I thought that was the other ones. Ah well.
I don't know about Geodon, so I don't know why she didn't try that. Who knows with her. She is always surprising me. She must not "like" Geodon. (not that she doesn't like it but that dr's seem to have a preference. I think hers is risperdol (actually that seems to be everyone's lately...I had 2 girls on it at camp (out of a total of 3 with meds!)
Pdoc doesn't see patients more regularly because she is only there part time (2 days a week). The idea is to see more people and get them sent elsewhere for help than fewer people over the long term. There is a gross shortage of pdocs. Ha my friend thinks I should be one. Like that would ever happen. I don't even have the high school prereq's to get into university science. I've also just finished a degree in religious studies and now I'm doing geography and eventually my B.Ed. I thought about becoming a psychologist once upon a time. I didn't think i could do a 4 yr B.A. let alone a M.A. or PhD.
I can so relate to your pain and wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all better, but the darn thing has been on the fritz and just hasn't even been capable of turning THOSE folks into toads, little alone anything else!
I also don't know anything about abilify, but again it could be the prolactin levels she's worried about. I don't know. I can't make out what goes on inside that head of hers. And I'm the crazy one?
You found my post hard to read? To long? All over the place? Ya, what do you expect when I'm coming down off a mania. *My* head is still spinning!
Hopefully when I get into ERMH they will be able to see me a lot more often than now. That's the plan. I should call them and find out what's going on with that waiting list. I think it's been 6 months! Time's up!
anyway, if I was going to say anything else I don't remember!
Unfortunately it seems that all of our magic wands are on the fritz lately. I'm trying not to obsess over the dx and I did finally talk to pdoc about it. That's what this was! I said that it's not that important but if I can have a dx to determine treatment would be useful. She continues to medicate me (unlike she said she was going to taper me off) and treat me for bp symptoms while the bpd is being dealt with in talk therapy. So I guess that answers my question about the dx.
Meds...yes very frustrating, still. Then again, I haven't tried anything new. Well i have added stuff, but the AD and MS have remained the same the whole time. I just don't want to come off those and/or start new ones and find that I'm worse that the meds were helping and I really didn't know it, because the second time around they might not work.
You're right about not erasing BP I don't expect that. That's what pdoc said too. She said that my moods go from "here to here" *indicates large wave pattern* "and the meds are or hopefully will keep your moods here" *indicates smaller wave pattern*
I think I'll go in, on a day she's off, and get a copy of my file. In the same respect, instead of calling ERMH I should go in and check about the wait list status and get my chart from there.
"The law" is so big and obscure that how could anyone ever find out what the law is on it? I wouldn't want to be a lawyer!
Off to play a stupid typing tutor game. My typing has gotten very slow. I hope it's not the meds. Along with my thinking *(not my thoughts...there's a difference) but when I type I now have to think about each word and each letter. I hope that's not the meds! She didn't have anything to say about that.
I better make an appointment with my family doc before too late!
((((Keli))))
Long....but please people read it...even if you glance through and something catches your eye that you can relate to then let me know! I"m feeling REALLY detatched.
Hi hun. Yes I finally saw the pdoc this afternoon. I had expressed concern that our two week follow up ended up being 6 weeks. "Does that upset you?" Yes. "yada yada... when people feel they aren't getting enough from here...referral to...Many people only see me once and we set a plan and go. And by far most do not see me for as long as you have (what is that supposed to mean?!)...longer term more often...elsewhere (ya i'm on that waiting list and have been for almost 6 months (man it feels even longer than that). blah blah blah"
well if we had found a solution that worked then by all means i could go back to my family doctor to continue administering the meds that she has suggested. But there has been no solution.
"You won't find that everything gets all better but keeps from extremes...might alleiviate some of the symptoms...counselling as well..."
There is no solution? Then why do I continue with these half-measures. Why take meds for the rest of my life that may only help a little.
Just because I've seen you more than most, doesn't mean it's time to kick me out and move on.
The official dx is there is no official dx. She's skirting the issue still. Says I have some anxiety and borderline and bipolar but not a dx of anything. Ya right there is something written in my chart I know it.
My pscyhoses aren't really psychoses she says (they are dissociative), and proceeds to rx an AP.
I don't disagree that I have dissociative issues, but at the same time I know that there is something inherently different between the voices and the things I see and feel, and "leaving my body" "going off to my fairytale planet" and letting functioning Amanda take over while Amanda the Mind is gone.
She doubts the Wellbutrin but has me keep it where it is.
YA BUT!!!!!
I'm not being heard. Are we treating the same person here?
This is what led to my OD. No real progress and no one seems to see that and do anything about it.
She says I shouldn't worry about my weight (easier said than done) and when my eating habits even out my weight will.
She did thankfully steer clear of the APs that cause weight gain, and the possibility of tardive dyskensia and also those affecting prolactin levels because of possible bone density loss (and I personally agree with that in that I think my joint problem is osteoarthritis) I wouldn't mind losing my period though!
So the solution? No risperdal for me.
I get a dinosaur AP - perphenazine. Never heard of it.
There should always be a "next step". I always walk out of there confused and maybe even steps back.
I do have another appointment in ANOTHER 6 WEEKS! But as she said...i should be seeing my family doc as a supplement...or vice versa.
I better make an appointment with family doc.
There is nothing wrong but I really feel like I'm in a crisis right now. I see tdoc on monday. I might feel better if i had appts with andrea christine and my doc but can't do that right now
Speaking of crises...
Mom walked in the door.
First thing "What's this! You better not be painting on my desk and getting paint on my computer!" Which led to a heated argument about the fact that I'm not on the computer at the same time as I'm painting so the keyboard is out of the way. And then to me bitching that she walks in the door and starts bitching about all that needs to be done around here and nothing about all the work that I DID do today.
Ugh. My journal entry isn't even this pessimistic and angry (about pdoc)!
My dad is also suddenly interested in what is "wrong" with me. This struck me as strange. He said he had been looking it up on the internet and I said i have a couple books if he wants to read them...now i wish i hadn't Do I want him to go that deep into my illness (and therefore me, my mind)? Ahhh
My mom is all of a sudden involved in what I'm doing (right here and now at this very second)...now she has seen some of my art and writing, and after telling me I should update my resume and blah blah blah. I gave her the stack of jobs that I'm going to apply for, as soon as I get my resume tailored to each of them...but before even that I need to go through it again, after doing some reading. I just had a basic skeleton.
I HAD NEVER WRITTEN ONE BEFORE!
I'm sure you can't even imagine that. Now for the cover letter....another first. I'm not cut out for this and if I can't even do this then there is no way I should have these jobs anyway.
Very quickly I have gone from hypomanic this morning to 'normal' to irritable to rage to depression. Now I feel like I'm sinking fast.
also had 2 panic attacks within an hour
"do the tremors interfere with doing things" yes. Doing things that involve gripping. For some reason it's worse then
"can you live with the hand tremors" as they are now? Ya
I'm obsessive and addictive personality. so i'm supposed to take less ativan. That's fine I'll take it only for acute anxiety.
Then there is the issue of my joints which have been killing me lately. My doc, last time I brought it up, said I was too young for joint problems. I guess I better bug him some more.
Then there is the scoliosis that my mom only noticed because of a picture of me where one shoulder is much higher....and then i showed her my ribs. One side the point sticks out. the other side is flat and you can see actual ribs. The point goes back where it belongs when my shoulder is raised like in the pic.
I joked at my grad dinner that my cake matches my manic mental state. HAha everyone laughs. Then I am mad. It's not for you to laugh. It's only funny for me and maybe other bipolars because you don't really know!!!!
I hope if you have read this you will write back with any thoughts. I just need to know anyone is there.
pics
The cake reflects my mental state? http://photobucket.com/albums/v229/amethyst_jean/?action=view¤t=grad_dinner4.jpg
Art work is also up on www.photobucket.com sign under amethyst_jean, read-only password abyss
Sorry sorry sorry
Amanda
Edited 6/22/2005 11:12 pm ET ET by schitz
Edited 6/23/2005 12:29 am ET ET by schitz
(((((Schitz))))))
I am sorry that you are in such a place right now. I wish there were some way I could help you. I understand totally about the family not understanding your illness. My husband says he is sick of my moods - I'm sick of him too, but aren't rude enough to tell him that - LOL. If he keeps it up though, I'll have Carla come throw a stapler at him. (You up for that Carla?)
Keep your chin up and keep posting!
Let us know how you're doing in the morning.
First of all, don't you DARE apologize anymore for your posts!
i love you amanda!
not sure what to say because i had trouble reading your post.
(((cheri)))
Thanks for your reply. Ya my family doesn't get it, but I don't think I really want them to get it. I mean do I really want my parents to know how suicidal I am? No of course not. Do I want my parents to think I'm promiscuous (bpd)? No.
hmmmm....stapler hun *evil grin*... hopefully I can remember that 6 weeks from now when I see pdoc again muhahah
Today I'm....hmmm...well it's too early to tell. Usually I write late night/early morning so I have my day behind me. I don't know how I feel yet today, but overall, not too fast so I doubt it's manic ;)
Walking home last night I felt pretty depressed, so I'd have to guess that's where I am today. Considering yesterday I slept in, took the day off work, and saw my friend that I haven't seen in a long time and went bowling which I haven't done in a really long time (I couldn't find my shoes! Like I'd wear rentals :p yuck!) So I should have been happy, at least a little. But no. Sigh.
We'll see how today goes. I'll try to post when I get home from work. That will be pretty late though so I don't know. If I was manic still I'd say yes...of course...who needs sleep?! ;)
hugs,
Amanda
(((((((((((keli)))))))))))
I try not to apologize for posting, heck I tell people the same...but it was one realllllly long post.
I don't care what pdoc says. I know my dx. I have known for a long time. I think what she means by saying I have some elements of this and that is that I have nothing. I think she believes that these symptoms are not part of a disorder but my reaction to childhood SA and how I grew up. Therefore if I just "talk it out" I'll be fine. Whatever.
The issue with the AP is not just weight gain but also Tardive Dystonia and I think Dyskinesias (although I already have a tic disorder...which she hasn't said anything about lately, but is the only thing that she did originally say I had) and elevated prolactin. Then of course there are tremors, which I already have.
Hmm. The bottle of pills she gave me in case of the muscle spasms labells it acute dystonia. I thought that was the other ones. Ah well.
I don't know about Geodon, so I don't know why she didn't try that. Who knows with her. She is always surprising me. She must not "like" Geodon. (not that she doesn't like it but that dr's seem to have a preference. I think hers is risperdol (actually that seems to be everyone's lately...I had 2 girls on it at camp (out of a total of 3 with meds!)
Pdoc doesn't see patients more regularly because she is only there part time (2 days a week). The idea is to see more people and get them sent elsewhere for help than fewer people over the long term. There is a gross shortage of pdocs. Ha my friend thinks I should be one. Like that would ever happen. I don't even have the high school prereq's to get into university science. I've also just finished a degree in religious studies and now I'm doing geography and eventually my B.Ed. I thought about becoming a psychologist once upon a time. I didn't think i could do a 4 yr B.A. let alone a M.A. or PhD.
Gotta go, dad's here!
Amanda
(((((Amanda)))))
I can so relate to your pain and wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all better, but the darn thing has been on the fritz and just hasn't even been capable of turning THOSE folks into toads, little alone anything else!
(((((beth))))
I also don't know anything about abilify, but again it could be the prolactin levels she's worried about. I don't know. I can't make out what goes on inside that head of hers. And I'm the crazy one?
You found my post hard to read? To long? All over the place? Ya, what do you expect when I'm coming down off a mania. *My* head is still spinning!
Hopefully when I get into ERMH they will be able to see me a lot more often than now. That's the plan. I should call them and find out what's going on with that waiting list. I think it's been 6 months! Time's up!
anyway, if I was going to say anything else I don't remember!
Love,
Amanda
(((((Marci))))
Unfortunately it seems that all of our magic wands are on the fritz lately. I'm trying not to obsess over the dx and I did finally talk to pdoc about it. That's what this was!
I said that it's not that important but if I can have a dx to determine treatment would be useful. She continues to medicate me (unlike she said she was going to taper me off) and treat me for bp symptoms while the bpd is being dealt with in talk therapy. So I guess that answers my question about the dx.
Meds...yes very frustrating, still. Then again, I haven't tried anything new. Well i have added stuff, but the AD and MS have remained the same the whole time. I just don't want to come off those and/or start new ones and find that I'm worse that the meds were helping and I really didn't know it, because the second time around they might not work.
You're right about not erasing BP I don't expect that. That's what pdoc said too. She said that my moods go from "here to here" *indicates large wave pattern* "and the meds are or hopefully will keep your moods here" *indicates smaller wave pattern*
I think I'll go in, on a day she's off, and get a copy of my file. In the same respect, instead of calling ERMH I should go in and check about the wait list status and get my chart from there.
"The law" is so big and obscure that how could anyone ever find out what the law is on it? I wouldn't want to be a lawyer!
Off to play a stupid typing tutor game. My typing has gotten very slow. I hope it's not the meds. Along with my thinking *(not my thoughts...there's a difference) but when I type I now have to think about each word and each letter. I hope that's not the meds! She didn't have anything to say about that.
I better make an appointment with my family doc before too late!
Love ya,
Amanda