Am I making a huge mistake?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Am I making a huge mistake?
6
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 6:03pm

This is hard even to type out, but I've got to get some input if at all possible. So here goes.............


****Warning - This will be long****


My eldest daughter was born before I met my ex husband. Throughout the pregnancy it was understood between her biological father and myself that dd would know of him and the possibility existed that one day she might want to meet him and that if this did occur, I would not stop her or prevent her from doing so. When exh came on the scene he was also informed of the decisions made regarding this matter and he respected them and agreed with me. Well, guess what...........the time has come. I now have to contact this man to let him know this will be happening very soon, as the opportunity presented itself in an odd fashion, but dd seized it when she realized it. 2 weeks from now to be precise.


I have gone to pick up the phone to make this call many times today and everytime I do, it provokes an anxiety attack. This is something that has to be done as soon as possible for a few reasons. 1) My last contact with him was about 5 years ago when this possibility started becoming a reality. I learned at that time that he had gotten married and that his wife (not to mention his entire family, save 1 sister) did not know of dd's existence. I told him then that this was not something that should be kept secret for much longer because (at that time) it looked like it was possible, but I headed it off as her curiosity was founded on all the wrong reasons (this was when I was in the throws of my divorce and she wanted to find a "daddy"). Nonetheless, I let him know then that the time was drawing near and that I couldn't say when but it had become a reality and was no longer a possibility. Reason 2) If this comes off, I need to know which end of the trip that is making all of this possible needs to be adjusted for this event.


While I have never discouraged my dd from pursuing this, I really didn't think it would happen until she was an adult and able to do this on her own, thus leaving me out of it. Not the case, dd is only 15 and unable to do this on her own. Which brings me to having to face my own issues regarding this man. My feelings for him were never completely resolved. While he offered all those years ago to do "the right thing" and marry me, I had a gut feeling how it would end had I said yes. I decided it best, then, to part as friends with the knowledge that this day might happen. I thought I could do this and keep my feelings out of it. I fought like he** to keep my feelings out of it, but they came screaming back today and I can't bring myself to make this call because of my own personal feelings. This is unfair to my dd and I've got to find a way to deal with this because my "someday" of 15 years ago is suddenly NOW! As ready as I thought I'd be for this day, I've discovered in a hurry that I'm not as prepared as I thought I'd be.


Am I doing the right thing by allowing this meeting to happen? And if so, how in the world do I separate my crap long enough to make a 5 or 10 minute phone call? I'm in a really bad place right now and need to get out of it.


When the anxiety attacks returned earlier this week, this wasn't even in the cards, so to speak. I still don't have any idea as to why they returned. This has compounded them 10 fold. I need a way to cope so I can do what must be done.


If anyone can offer any ideas, I am more than open to hearing them. I've got a call in to my tdoc, but don't know if she'll get the message before Monday or not. The agony this is causing me is unbelievable and I'd give anything to get control over my composure long enough to get this done. Please, anyone, I need some guidance.


thanks and I hope at least some of this made sense. If you're still with me, I thank you.


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 6:48pm

(((((Traci))))),


I'm not sure I'm the best person to answer this because I have a different situation, with a slight wrinkle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 9:10pm

thank you ((((((((Marci)))))))). This is one of the hardest things I think I've ever faced, short of telling my kids that daddy and I were getting a divorce. I'm still waiting to hear back from tdoc because right now, I'm just not capable of making that call. As for deterring dd from this this time around i don't see it happening. I had a very in-depth conversation with her about this before I made any decisions regarding the meeting. Mainly to see if her reasons were valid or if she was still fishing for a "daddy" in her life as she was five years ago. And, this time around, the reasons are very sound and valid. She has come to terms with a lot of things, mainly that her "Daddy" is still very much a part of her life and that is the only Daddy she has. She just is ready to see where the other half of her geneology comes from. It's strictly a "biological quest" if you will. But, one she wants to do, for whatever reason, now. I'll see if tdoc thinks she can talk her out of it. I know I sure can't find fault with her reasons. Plus I don't want her to think I'm trying to talk her out of it or prevent her from doing this. As that has been something I have always told her I'd back her 150% on. I'm just really conflicted basically because of my own stuff. Fearing how I will react to seeing him. Lord knows, I've tried to convince myself that he's turned into this jack a*( that nobody would want to be around, but my convincing isn't too convincing. So I'm hoping that tdoc calls me tomorrow, as it doesn't look like that will happen tonight. I'm really hoping sleep comes tonight. It didn't last night even with my trazodone.


anyway, i will keep you posted and thank you. this is not a fun place to be right now and i'm floundering, or at least that's what it feels like. thanks again.


hugs,


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 10:16pm

Traci,


Since your DD seems to have thought it out and has valid reasons for pursuing it, do you think there is a chance that you could convince her to delay her contact until you are in a better place to deal with all your feelings about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 11:46pm

WOW -- I was adopted at birth. When I was your daughter's age, I went from one day wanting to find my birth parents, to the next day not wanting to know. Are you sure this is what she really wants? If so....whew.

Since I never met my birth parents, I don't have any advice for you on that end. Is your "someday" man STILL married? Are you afraid that if you open this can of worms he isn't going to feel about you the way you feel about him? Or are you afraid he will? (trying to take the therapist role - lol)

I honestly can't offer anything but good wishes and the best of luck to you. If you need to talk, I'll be here.

((((HUGS)))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 12:14pm

thanks ((((cheri)))). i would feel so much better if she would falter on her decision. it would sure make things easier for me. she hasn't faltered on this decision in a few years, fortunately for me though during that time the opportunity never presented itself. now, in that regard, my luck has run out.


marci suggested approaching her with my own difficulties in this to see if she might change her mind that way. if i can think of a good way to do this without upsetting her and driving my ownself to drink (lol) i may try that route. or, as she also suggested, possibly make the call in the presence of my tdoc and see if we can work on getting me through these unresolved feelings before our trip.


no matter what route i take, it's got to be done soon. if we end up going and i have to make the call, it's got to be made soon. if it turns out that i can appeal to my dd's apathetic nature, i've also got to do that soon so she can resolve within herself that it won't be this time as she had hoped.


i just wish i wasn't such a mess right now. i'm not sleeping, i don't think i've eaten anything since friday night, and my emotions are a train wreck. and i feel like it's all crashing down on me at once and i have nowhere to run and hide.


thanks for the input. i always felt it important for my dd to know the truth and not prevent her from seeking him out if/when the time came. i just hadn't prepared myself for it right now. five years ago when she was searching for a "daddy" i had such a bitter attitude about men, in general, due to my very ugly divorce, that my feelings for her father never factored in. i wish i could get back to that point, even if only for a day.


i will keep you all posted. thanks again.


hugs,


traci

Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 12:33pm
I agree with Marci, be honest with your daughter and tell her you know she is mature enough to consider your mental state right now and that there *WILL* be a time when this is right for everyone involved...and I hope she understands that. I don't have a lot of advice because I can't imagine. But I just wanted to support you.

littlemascara