update on dd situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
update on dd situation
8
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 10:02am

Well, after a long and extensive session on Tuesday w/ tdoc, I was able to come home and call the sister of dd's biological father. It was agreed on that this is how I would communicate with him due to his marital situation. When this has been done in the past, he has gotten back to me very quickly, however, this time he seems to be dragging his heels (or his sister is). If I don't hear back from him by this evening, I think I'm going to have to call back down there because he's got to know this is coming.


I really do not want to destroy any lives here, from dd to him to his wife to their 4 yo son. And, by just showing up, the potential for that happening is pretty great.As strong as my feelings are for this man (and they are pretty strong), I can say I love him enough to want him to be happy, and if that happiness is with his family down south of here, then that is what it should be. It hurts like He** for me, but that is something that I, alone, have to deal with. He doesn't need that, it's not "his" to have.


So, it is a case of the more notice he has, the better off everyone will be, as it will give him time to plan out how he wants to play this. I know what my preference is (and was at the time I found out he was married), but he chose to not divulge the information to her before they married so there's not a thing that can be done about it now. I can only hope that he told her after my last contact with him 5 years ago, because with a "secret" of this magnitude, it does NOT get easier with time. But, again, that's his to deal with. It's hard to separate myself from that, as I do love him and do not want him hurt by all of this anymore than I want DD hurt as a result of this.


I'm concerned for DD because if this thing blows up and goes badly as a result of a) no notice or b) wife still doesn't know; he could (not that the man I knew would) take it out on her........or wife (from what I've heard) could do something similar. That would be more plausible. However, in five years, IF he told her, she's had time to mull it all over and might be fine with the idea. I don't know.


I'm just really worked up about this whole thing and theorizing the worst when it could go very smoothly. Maybe to avoid my own feelings? I'm good at that from what I hear. LOL!


Gee, for an update, this got a lot longer than what I had thought it would be. Thanks for listening. Will keep you posted.


Hugs,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 10:31am
Traci,
I'm not sure I understood, does she not know about you and your dd? I know my X hasn't told his new chickie bout me at all. She knows he was married twice before but not that we were together for 12 years. She doesn't even know my name. He refuses to tell her anything. His reasoning, because he still loves me. Yeah...right! That is why he hurt me daily. But I digress. Sorry if I'm being nosey, you certainly can tell me to mind my own business.
Hugs & Hope
Carla
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 10:43am

Hi Carla,


You're not being nosy. If you missed my first post, this one would be a bit confusing. No problem.


DD's father and I never got married. As of 3 months after she was born, only 1 member of his immediate family knew of her existence. When I spoke to him 5 years ago, his wife (and I'm guessing all members of his family, excluding the one sister) did not know dd existed. I'm not so worried about her not knowing about me so much.


It was decided, mutually, when I found out I was pregnant that there would come a day when DD might very possibly want to meet the man that helped to create her. I told him, and he agreed, that I would not stop her under any circumstances provided she was emotionally ready.


5 years ago, when this first came up, dd was looking for a "daddy" to take the place of the one that had just left - this was during my divorce. Although then I did head it off at the pass, I called him to give him a heads up in case my efforts were unsuccessful. That's when I found out about the marriage and the fact that wife didn't know.


I told him then that this was inevitable and that he may want to tell his wife so she didn't get a HUGE surprise one day knocking on her front door. Not having spoken directly with him this time, yet, I don't know if he ever took my advice. But now, dd is ready, for the "right" reasons to meet him and the trip is in less than 2 weeks. So, wanting to play "Peace keeper" which I'm so good at doing, I feel like I'm really under the gun right now.


I hope this makes a little more sense. I know in my head right now, nothing is making much sense. Oh well.........


Hugs,


Traci

Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 11:12am
I hope you get confirmation soon that things are going to go well and he's told the family. I only wish you best of luck here!

littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 11:36am
I'm so sorry. I can't fathom why a father wouldn't want his daughter. I had two dads, my biological and the man who raised me. My bio father never told his wife (they were married when I was born, before we were conceived), she found out at his funeral. So I guess I was in almost the same boat as your dd, except my dad came to see us all the time. Well...when daddy (who gave me his last name and raised me as his own with Mom, he forgave her) was at work, he never minded him coming, he just didn't really care to see him. Does that make sense? I feel for you right now. That is a tough spot to be in. But she has every right to know him and to visit. I wish you nothing but luck.
Hugs & Hope!!!!!!!!
Carla
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 1:48pm

Thanks Carla. I don't want to leave the impression that this man is without feelings. He has actually met dd once when she was about 3. However, given the age of dd, he was introduced to her as a friend of mommy's and 12 years later has no clear recollection of the meeting.


I think what gets me the most is the fact that he kept it from his family. Especially his wife. I just don't think I could go into a relationship that is serious and keep that from the person I've vowed to spend the rest of my life with. But, that is just me.


He was always a stand-up guy as far as supporting her and what have you until my ex-dh legally adopted her. I never asked him for support or anything, but money would come religiously every month and Christmas and birthdays she always got a card with a little extra in it. I never even listed him on the birth certificate, as that was part of the agreement we had made together during my pregnancy.


My biggest thing is I really don't want to wreck his marriage or any part of his life, and the longer I go without hearing from him, the closer the 8th gets. I'm kind of stalling as well, because of my feelings for him. I can't let him see me fall apart, or hear me on the phone. Of course, tdoc went nuts when I told her that, but this is and has been an issue with me for years. But, I have to be able to separate my emotions from this whole situation because this is not about me at all. This is about my 15 yo DD. That's where I'm running into problems because it's very difficult to shut off feelings that have been reawakened after many years of denying they were there. Ugh!


Will keep you all posted. I have an idea, with the silence of the phone, I will be making another call down there this evening. I so don't want to do that, but I don't want to "just show up" more. Oh well.........so it goes in my life.


Hugs,


Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 1:52pm

(((((Traci)))))


Does his sister know the details about DD coming there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 2:37pm

He sounds like a pretty good guy from what you've said. My dad was too, and he kept the secret because he was a married man (Mom was a married woman too). I would hope he told her though. I'm with you, that is something I would have to divulge, but we're women, and men just totally don't get it sometimes. I'm sure if his wife loves him she would accept your daughter, and let them spend some time together. DD needs him for reasons people with a dad will never know. It is NOT a reflection on you at all, remember that!! I wish I could give you a real hug, because you are going through a really rough spot, but I will send you bunches and bunches of cyber hugs (((((((((((((TRACI))))))))))))!!!!!!

Marci may be right, if you speak to him, maybe call his sister, set up a time for him to be there and call him back. His wife needs to know nothing if he doesn't want her to. To me it sounds as if he loves DD and respects you so a talk would only be helpful in this situation. He needs to know your feelings about this as well.

Tons of HUGS & HOPE
Carla

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 4:38pm

Thank you all for your support, hugs and suggestions. The sister I have been in contact with, unfortunately is the one that does not know the situation. But, I did call down her back last night to find out if/when she gave dd's father the message. As it turns out, she had only given it to him like 15 minutes before I called. I just wish I knew how much time to give him to call me back. I know he's got to know why I'm calling, as this is the only reason I have to contact him. The confusion is overwhelming and I'm exhausted. I'm taking 300 mg's of seroquel at night, 100 mg's of trazodone and a .5 mg of xanax. I'm thinking about taking two xanax cause the one isn't working. Under regular conditions, this