The meeting is set

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
The meeting is set
12
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 4:28pm

Well, ended up having to call dd's biological father's house on Sunday. After preparing for talking to him and then preparing to talk to his wife if she happened to answer, I wound up with the answering machine. Had not prepared for that one. Anyway, left a message unassuming enough, but yet *important* enough to urge him to call me. It worked.


I talked to him for a few minutes then dd talked to him. Initial ice-breaker type stuff. But, it went well. She was amazed that he actually remembered her birthday and how old she was. Anyway, I spoke with him briefly after that and we are set to meet on Friday.


Now that my anxiety about the initial phone call is out of the way, I'm finding I have to deal with my feelings about all of this. I can't hide behind the anxiety anymore. I am so mixed up right now it's not even funny. I know, just by the few minutes I spent on the phone with him that he is still very happy. I'm happy for him, that is important to me to know he is still happy. But at the same time it kills me because he hasn't changed like I'd hoped he would. He's still the man I fell in love with 16 years ago.


I've got 2 1/2 days to bury those feelings again. Otherwise there's no way I can pull this off. I keep thinking of my daughter and telling myself that this is for her. She is what is important here. Not me, not my feelings. It's just not as easy as it used to be. Sometimes therapy is both a blessing and a curse. Right now, I'm cursing it for all it's worth.


I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off. I'm hurting so much right now and I don't know how to make it go away. Any words of advice would be welcome. Thanks for listening.


Hugs,
Traci

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 5:54pm

Traci,


Well step 1 accomplished and 2+ points for him remembering DD's birthday & age--my father couldn't do that even when I was a teenager living with him!


No great advice about dealing with your feelings for him, except to remind yourself that that was then, this is now, he's married etc.; that and try to focus on the issues for your daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 11:08pm

Marci, thanks for the support. I do have a tdoc appt on thursday and the sole purpose of this visit is to shore me up for the trip.


I keep trying to remind myself that this is for dd, and that he is happily married. I really want him to be happy, and I know he is.


I just really need to be able to cork my feelings on this as I don't have time to "resolve" them before this trip happens. I will keep you posted.


Hugs,


Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 9:16am

Traci,


First of all, you did the hardest part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 11:37am
Darling you will do fine. You are SO STRONG!!! Don't sell yourself short on this. It will be hard, especially if you see him and he's alone. But you CAN do this. DD is important, but so are you. Never forget that.
Hugs & Hope
Carla
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:39pm

Thanks (((Keli))). And you are so right. This is for my dd and her alone. And, as hard as it is emotionally on my end, I really hope this goes the way she wants it to go. She has learned that she has a 4 yo half-brother and would like to establish contact with him at some point down the road as well as keeping in contact with her father. If that pans out, I will definitely have to learn some new coping mechanisms. But for right now, just making sure Friday goes as smoothly as possible for dd is what I'm trying to busy myself with.


As I told Marci, I am meeting w/ tdoc tomorrow to just kind of shore myself up for this, because there's a lot of variables at play. Knowing that he's told his wife worries me a little. From what little I have been told about her, I'm so worried that she'll take it very badly and that would hurt him in the long run. I know that this isn't "mine" to worry about, but I just don't want to hurt dd or him. I love them both. But, I've got a good tdoc and good friends here as well. I think I'll be able to do this, it's just not going to be one of the easiest things I've ever done.


Will keep you posted.


Hugs,


Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:45pm

(((((((Carla))))))) Thank you for your encouraging words. This is going to be very hard on the emotional side for me, but I do have to stay strong for dd. And if that means being stoic for a short time to facilitate a smooth meeting, I'm just going to have to find a way to do it. This is for her and I want to have it go the way she wants it to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 5:03pm

Traci,
The more I read what you've posted the more I realize what a GREAT person you are. You are amazing. Things will work out and you will be just fine. I know in my heart that you will not lose it emotionally, I don't know why, but something just tells me if it happens it will happen later, delayed reaction. I'm not 100% sure, but I feel it and usually my feelings (as long as it is for someone other than me or family) are right on the money. You are a very strong woman, whether you know it or not, you are. Don't let tdoc interupt you at all. Get it all out. =o)
Hugs & Hope
Carla

Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 7:58pm
I hope it goes well and you are able to do well (so far so good IMO!!). I think so far it sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected. Just remember this would be hard for ANYONE, and you're being brave and doing a great job!

littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 8:33pm

Traci,


I just wanted to add my two cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 10:48pm

Thanks Morgaine:)

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