The meeting is set
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| Tue, 07-05-2005 - 4:28pm |
Well, ended up having to call dd's biological father's house on Sunday. After preparing for talking to him and then preparing to talk to his wife if she happened to answer, I wound up with the answering machine. Had not prepared for that one. Anyway, left a message unassuming enough, but yet *important* enough to urge him to call me. It worked.
I talked to him for a few minutes then dd talked to him. Initial ice-breaker type stuff. But, it went well. She was amazed that he actually remembered her birthday and how old she was. Anyway, I spoke with him briefly after that and we are set to meet on Friday.
Now that my anxiety about the initial phone call is out of the way, I'm finding I have to deal with my feelings about all of this. I can't hide behind the anxiety anymore. I am so mixed up right now it's not even funny. I know, just by the few minutes I spent on the phone with him that he is still very happy. I'm happy for him, that is important to me to know he is still happy. But at the same time it kills me because he hasn't changed like I'd hoped he would. He's still the man I fell in love with 16 years ago.
I've got 2 1/2 days to bury those feelings again. Otherwise there's no way I can pull this off. I keep thinking of my daughter and telling myself that this is for her. She is what is important here. Not me, not my feelings. It's just not as easy as it used to be. Sometimes therapy is both a blessing and a curse. Right now, I'm cursing it for all it's worth.
I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off. I'm hurting so much right now and I don't know how to make it go away. Any words of advice would be welcome. Thanks for listening.
Hugs,
Traci



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Thanks Little Mascara. I am doing the best I can right now as this is for my baby girl (although she's not a baby anymore). I appreciate the support and encouragement. I wish I felt as strong as everyone says I am. LOL! I'm putting a good front up for the most part, but I've been having my "moments" more and more as Friday looms nearer. So, we'll see how it goes I guess. I heard from him earlier, and am guessing by the message he left that his wife now knows as he indicated that "we will meet you...." I just hope his wife is pleasant during the meeting, as this is for dd and her father. Just like I have to separate my feelings, I hope she doesn't bring a lot of negativity to the meeting. That worries me as well.
I'll just be very glad when this weekend is over! The stress is getting to me in a bad way. I went to pdoc yesterday and he's upped the seroquel and the trazodone now. So I'm back up to the original dose of seroquel and 150 mgs of trazodone now, along with .5 mgs of xanax and I'm still not sleeping. tdoc is not happy about that one either. I had finally started sleeping and then about 1 week before this blew up, the anxiety attacks and insomnia had started, but both were tolerable. Now, though, it's awful. Oh well. Just a few more days at least to get this initial meet out of the way. We'll see what, if anything, transpires between him and dd after that.
Thanks again and I'll keep you posted.
Hugs,
Traci
No words of adivce (sorry) but lots of hugs and love!
Amanda
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