Rage *Triggers*

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Rage *Triggers*
7
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 11:32am
I am feeling the rage build up in my body again. I think it is the fact that they dreamy cop is unavailable (he's just started dating a lady). I really know not to be upset about it and I'm not, at all! But things have happened to me that have upset me, I've had people promise me things and then forgot all about me. That makes me feel like a loser, even though they forgot, some of the things that were forgotten were seriously important to me. I feel useless, unattractive, nasty, all the bad adjectives I can think of. I need help yall....I feel really BAD. I want to bash something against the wall and scream until someone notices me. I'm no wall flower, I'm usually outgoing, witty and fun to be around (until BP flares up like today). Nothing I do is right today. I keep dropping things and cussing like a madman. I just don't want to be here, nor do I want to be in my lonely apartment. I want to get drunk, at least that will numb the hate I feel boiling up in me. I want to cry, but I'm not. I need to release this and can't. I know the world doesn't revolve around me but it would be *#(&^(*&^% nice if people remembered what they said to me. Do I mean that little to people that they can't freakin' remember me or what was promised????? My meds aren't working, my pdoc doesn't want to give me any xanax, klonopin, etc for anxiety except buspar that takes forever to get into the system. I'm ticked and can't help it. I'm so angry yall. I hate myself today more than I ever have. X doesn't even have a thing to do with this...for once.
H&H
Carla
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: carla18
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 11:56am

Carla,


First of all, accept the fact that rage is a part of BP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: carla18
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 12:11pm

Thanks Keli, I just can't seem to get past things lately. I was on cloud 9 until today. Even when I found out that officer hottie had a lady, I was fine. It is my so called friends that I've let get to me.

I've taken both seroquel and abilify and he's taken me off both. I gained so much weight on the seroquel and with a history of diabetes it was not an option to continue it. I forget why he took me off the abilify. I wish I could call him, but I have no phone at my desk. I prefer that too. I really hate that ringing communications device.

I have nothing positive to say to myself, only to others. tdoc keeps telling me these things to say to myself and I've gotten a lot of mantras from my friends here on the board. I just don't believe any of them. I know like Gretchen Wilson says "I may not be a 10, but the boys say I clean up good" it hits home. I'm not all those things I say, but I can't get my head to believe it. Tdoc says my brain was washed by x and I have to fight it when those thoughts come in. I just believe them so I can't battle them.

I just about got into a fight with some "ho" who needs her butt kicked, but I love my job and refuse to let her get to me. I hate it when people assume they know what is on my mind. I was smoking and she thought I was looking at her man. Give me a break. I've never once looked at him other than to say hello. It isn't my fault I have manners. People are under my skin today.

Oh and pillows don't help me. I HAVE to make noise. I've gone through several wiffle bats beating them against the garage floor. I think a hammer and some wood will work just fine, if x hadn't taken all the tools, including mine.

I truly think today is just going to be a bad day all around. I'm literally a lost cause. I feel that the only people who remotely care don't give a da** about me, just what they can get out of me. Other than my friends here on the board of course.

Oh well.........it is what it is. I don't know how to battle bp. tdoc and pdoc aren't much help either.
Hugs and Hope
Carla

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
In reply to: carla18
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 2:13pm

OMG CARLA, WE ARE TWINS TODAY !!!


I feel the same way...that dang rage at DH today..he's driving me nuts.

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: carla18
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 3:26pm

(((((Carla))))),


Okay, so the cutie is not available, that's a bummer but don't internalize it--it is nothing against you but just a problem of timing and who knows that a month or two he won't be seeing the other person and will want to see you; but even if that doesn't happen it is not a commentary on your worth as a person.


Despite what you think, I'm pretty sure this DOES have to do with your X and all the crap he put you through and has you believing because of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: carla18
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:09pm

Donna, I think drinking is for self medication, not sure if it is BP related or not.

Marci, X is a HUGE problem in my head. Time will heal.

BUT....cutie cop IS interested. I'm jazzed now. I really hate that though, only because I don't want my self worth to be based on what a man thinks or doesn't think of me. Issues tdoc and I brushed over, we'll have to really discuss them further next visit.

Well.....I still feel like crapola, and Donna, we could be twins. By the way thank your for that compliment!!!

Hugs & Hope
Carla

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
In reply to: carla18
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:46pm

True on the self medicating...duh should have remembered that from the add/hd junk too...I'm having a lot of 'duh' moments today !!

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: carla18
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:57pm
Donna,
Thanks for being my friend. It means the world and all to me.
Hugs & Hope
Carla