Update on me * possible triggers *
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| Thu, 07-07-2005 - 10:30am |
I was very irritable last night and it took me several hours to fall asleep. I'm still not where I want to be, but honestly are any of us? The love and support I get from this board has made me realize I'm not alone and I will be fine. As many of you have posted several times, this too will pass. I refuse to let life's pitfalls hold me down. I still have many issues, especially self worth and self love that I doubt I will ever resolve. I still feel nasty as H in my overly fat body, but I can do something to change that. My negative attitude won't go away. I actually put in a yoga DVD this a.m. and got so D mad, I have the coordination of a three legged bull. I literally fell, then I proceeded to go downstairs and beat the living daylights out of everything I could find, my poor garage, but better it than me. The useless feelings and worthlessness are still looming over my head. Now with the attacks in London I'm obsessing about terrorists. I've done this since 9/11 where I almost lost a friend I "met" on ivillage. Had she NOT went to the doctor she would be gone. I feel so much fear for all humans today because of the cowards that attacked London. My guard has never been down. My Lord, I live in WV. BUT I work at the Capitol here and it is directly over the mountain from the airport. I obsess so darn much about that, especially when I worked on the top floor of the tallest building on campus.
But....I'm working on me. I promise to you one and all, if the feelings of suicide come back I will go directly to the ER. Knowing how much I fear that place, I fear death more. I still have to find love. I have too much I want to do in my life. I just wish the depression would lift so I would feel like doing something. BUT....LOL I'm a homebody to begin with so even manic I probably would stay home.
You all mean so much to me.
Love, Hugs & Hope!!!
Carla

Carla,
You're making great strides here!