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| Fri, 07-08-2005 - 1:14pm |
To start off, I'm 24 with bipolar, OCD, anxiety and dissociative disorder. I am in therapy for this. I have been with my fiance for 14 months now. He is 27 and not officially diagnosed with anything. we do live together.
He has stood by me through surgery twice (gastric bypass 6/04, gallbladder removal and bypass repair 5/05), losing my job, being accused of a felony (and not being able to prove my innocence due to memory loss from meds) with subsequent plea, going 6 months with no regular income and having to file Ch 7 including my car. I'm now driving his extra vehicle. My 7 wont be discharged until late september. He pays pretty much all of the bills since my job is part time and I can't afford to pay them (its all living expenses - nothing extra). Sounds great, right?
Well, he is also unsupportive of my treatment, says he will leave me if I start back on meds (my therapist says I'm ok without the meds right now...but how long will that last??), was very emotionally abusive through the whole situation outlined above. He has threatened to kill me on several occasions, but has never actually hit me. He is very controlling and very accusatory. I have no family down here at all and no transportation of my own.
I do love him, and I dont doubt that he loves me when he is in a good mood. When its good, its great...when its bad, I fear for my safety.
I have, over the last few days, started talking to a guy I met but lost touch with before I met my fiance. He was always kind and considerate and absolutely wonderful. We are having lunch today. I feel very guilty and very upset and very sad, yet I know that with my fiance is not where I need to be either. I'm very confused and very upset and its very hard to maintain stability with this inner turmoil. I want to leave but can't...but I don't want the friend to be a scapegoat or rebound, and I dont want to be unfair. The friend does know about the fiance - the fiance does not know about the friend, though I have strong feelings that the fiance has friends of his own....Please help!

Hi,
Well, I don't have advice for a lot of your problems, but one thing I do know is that abusive men do NOT stop being abusive, ever... and generally the abuse escalates... I would say that you need to start to find a way to escape from your fiance before he hurts you. You may or may not need meds, but his threats to leave if you need them are a way of controlling you and it sounds like that is a main theme between the two of you... his control over you.
I would say, run, don't walk, to a shelter if he becomes physically abusive. If he finds out about your friend, he just might.
Please take the initiative to find a safe place before too long... It sounds as though you know you need to do this but want encouragement. Consider yourself encouraged... Controlling, abusive men can be very, very dangerous.
*********TRIGGERS************
Get out of there now. No matter what, no matter where you have to go, LEAVE HIM. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I've been there and until October 2004 I was still there. I lived 12 years with an abusive man, it all started out exactly how you said yours did. BUT mine has tried to kill me, he held me down on so many occasions with his hand over my mouth and my nose until I blacked out. I've driven with him and he's had a gun in his lap. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but abusive men usually do stick around while we go through some rough spots, because we are vulnerable then and they know it. He's diabolical, don't doubt that. So what if he's done for you, I'm sure you've done for him when you could. Other men will be there for you too.
What he's telling you is if you start the meds and become yet stronger he's afraid you'll stand up to him. I swear I wish I had left when my X husband first claimed he leave me. I was SO IN LOVE, and yes part of me still will forever love the jerk, but I'm better off w/o him. Check yourself into a shelter. They will give you food, help pay bills, etc... There is NO REASON TO STAY. IF HE LOVED YOU, he'd never say these things to you. But I fear I'm talking to deaf ears, because I heard exactly what I'm telling you for over 10 years and never took that final leap out. I left, came back, left, came back. The cycle doesn't change. Sure he'll be on his best behavior for a minute.
As for the old friend, been there, did that. It didn't last, but I did wait until x was gone (he left the very day after my 36th b-day) and then not long after that announced he was getting married and he did. Now he's miserable and calling me. It's been the hardest thing in the world, but I do not answer his calls or return his messages. Trust me, it was NOT easy, but it gets so MUCH EASIER every single day.
I've been a firm believer, and it is true, if they say things, they are planning ways. Don't give him that opportunity to hurt you, your life is worth more. Tell your friend about him, but do not tell your boyfriend about your friend. Just don't.
Okay, I hope you listen to us. He won't change, it will only get worse.
Love, Hugs & Hope
Carla
Stephanie,
While your fiance has never hit you--the mental/emotional abuse he's putting you through is far worse for your well-being in the long run.