When it rains it POURS!
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When it rains it POURS!
| Tue, 07-12-2005 - 8:40am |
After stressing for 2 weeks over how the meeting would go between DD and her birth father, that turned out fine, here's the latest........



I guess it depends on how old dd is...that would be my first concern.
God could not be everywhere, so
Hey Traci,
First of all, this is NOT a mess, and you are handling it well, considering.
Sit down, take a deep breath and try to relax.
You did not create this mess. I would have never thought he would want to have her down for weekends either. He hardly knows the girl. Personally, I think this is a little much too soon - as an adopted woman, I can't imagine finding my birth parents and them wanting me to spend weekends with me.
How far away does the birth father live? Is there anyway you can be nearby in case something happens and your daughter wants to leave?
Traci:
I have to agree with Keli. This isn't a mess. If your dd is comfortable spending a weekend with her birthfather and his family, and you don't have any safety concerns for her, you should probably allow it. Your ex-dh's feeling are irrelevant. This is her biological father. They want to develop a relationship. Too bad for him. It isn't like she is saying he (ex-dh) is no longer necessary in her life. And, perhaps, that is a conversation your dd and your ex-dh need to have. Your dd can care about BOTH of these men as fathers and it doesn't mean she cares about either one less then she did.
You also do not want to be the "bad guy" in this situation with your dd. If you suddenly decide that things are moving too fast for YOUR comfort yet she and her bio-dad are developing a father-daughter relationship smoothly, she will resent it. You have made very wise choices about your daughter and her bio-dad up until this point. She will look back and thank you for it. Now, you should follow their lead, UNLESS you fear for her safety. That is the deal breaker. If you had legitimate suspicions of any type of abuse or danger for her in their home then obviously it doesn't matter what either of them want or feel. But if it is a safe place for her, take a small step back and be there to support her and help guide her. This is new and exciting for both of them. Perhaps the newness will wear off and it will drop down to holidays and birthdays. Or, they could develop a very strong relationship with frequent overnights.
Hang in there - you are doing an awesome job.
Tracey
Traci,
This is NOT a mess and yes, xdh has got to learn to deal with this--it's not like he didn't know this was a possibility!
Is this weekend a special event or something?
Thank you all for your support, suggestions and encouragement. I've decided to step back and allow DD to do what she chooses. I've helped her open this door, and I'm not going to slam it shut on her now. She needs to hash this out with her "dad" (exh) and her bio-dad. I will support her in whatever she decides. If she opts to spend a weekend with bio-dad I will do what is necessary, as far as transportation details, etc., but that's it. The rest is up to her.
After reading all of your replies and meeting with tdoc earlier this evening, I came to the conclusion that I just can't take on anything else. I'm on max-overload as is just trying to get stable, keep up with school, care for the kids, keep up with the house, etc. I don't know if letting go of this factors in, but after tdoc appt, i crashed. I don't know if having the worry of what to do and how to do it kept me in an anxious state or if it was just inevitable, but regardless, it happened. I meet w/ tdoc again on thursday so hopefully I can figure out a way out of this blasted hole I'm in once again. Ugh!
I'm trying to map out a trip that will take me from VA to TX and back and even that is a chore. But one I need to get done as I'm scheduled to leave on Monday. Wish me luck! Thanks again! You ladies are great and I am so glad to have found such a wonderful support network.
hugs,
Traci