Aislinn? Beth? Keli? Traci? everyone?
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Aislinn? Beth? Keli? Traci? everyone?
| Sun, 07-17-2005 - 3:54am |
Are you around? I know I haven't been so I may have missed your posts, but let me know what's up. You can also email through my profile.
Love,
Amanda


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Hi, everyone. It's been awhile since I posted. I haven't posted because I was waiting for someone to notice that I was even "gone". For awhile, nobody replied to any posts I had, or they never commented on them. Basically, I was feeling a bit invisible and useless. When I would write for advice or support, almost nobody would reply. That kind of thing. Just feeling sorry for myself, I guess. But I need to take at least partial responsibility. I needed to reach out a bit more, too, if I expected it in return.
Quick catch up of what's going on with me. I'm 31 weeks pregnant so far. It's a boy, Nathaniel Garrett, and he's a kicker! My other son, Aryc, will be 2 on Aug 27th. I'm due Sep. 18th, so it'll be kinda close together, but that's okay. (One party, right??) :) I'm separated from my husband right now. He's in SD and I'm in WI with my parents. VERY stressful. I thought this would be permanent, but DH is actually willing to do what is necessary to change and make this marriage and family better. So he's coming to get me and drive us home by Aug 8th. We have both recommitted to Christ (we were both Christians but questioned the faith because of some skewed teaching we had received), which is making all the difference to both of us. (For those that know me as Wiccan, we can talk separately, if you'd like. Still lots of complex stuff with that. exclusivelyaislinn@hotmail.com if you'd like to chat about it. For anyone, really.) We're developing better relationships with both sets of parents...kewl achievement. And I'm becoming a muuuuch better mom to Aryc and soon to Nathaniel.
My DH is set to get out of the Air Force in about a year, and I'm caught in the middle between my DH who wants to stay in and my parents who want us to move near them, in the boonies just north of Green Bay, WI. I'm really torn. You other military ladies, or anybody who could offer wisdom...I could really use some! Since I've been here at my parents and away from the stress of my (other) house, my bp is completely GONE. No mood swings, good sleep (besides the heat), full appetite, etc. No BP! I've completely stopped my Wellbutrin (my only BP med). The two days I did take it, I got super, super crabby. Not the intended result.
Anyway. This is now a short novel. I'm sorry for being gone so long, and I'm really sorry I've been missing out on the "company" of all you wonderful ladies! Like I said, I was feeling invisible in so many areas of my life, and then this board got so busy it was hard to acknowledge everybody. Just bad coincidental timing. Since my BP is largely under control, I'll be checking in every so often and giving support, but I'm probably still going to be largely MIA. (That, and having a 2 year old with no child support. My parents pretty much refuse to watch him.)
Everybody please take care! I'll be around, and I hope you all will be, too.
Wow, you're getting down to the wire with that little one--I sure hope it's cooler up there than it is here, even though it was almost 19 years ago I remember summer being pregnant and it wasn't fun and I wasn't nearly as far along as you.
Hi Amanda,
I've been in a not so good place lately. But am around. I'm preparing to hit the road tomorrow for 3 weeks to camp down to texas and back. I'll have my laptop with me, mainly for school, but will be checking in here too. How was your trip? let me know.
Hugs,
Traci
Traci, I hope you trip is wonderful. Mine was good Monday-Wednesday, despite having crashed into depression shortly before leaving, but Thursday things got 100 times worse and then Friday everything that possibly could go wrong did. I also did stupid things like go off with someone I had never met, took way too much Ativan, got drunk while looking up AA meetings (ironic, I know haha). Dissociating or depersonalization or derealization have played a part. That's the short version, but I have finally realized I am in no place to make a long post. I just can't get motivated to do anything.
love,
Amanda
(Aislinn, I emailed you)
hi amanda!
so glad to see you back.
Hi, Marci! I appreciate your reply. I've needed a break to get my perspective and priorities straight. I needed to quit the pity-party thing I had going, but it was tough with DH and my marriage being the way it was. Things are changing now, in all of us, for the better. And I've gotten a better perspective (most days!) :) on how I need to deal with people and what my responsibilities are in any relationship, including the one I have with all of you guys. I was just expecting DH and you all and other friends and family to meet my needs without me expending any energy in letting anybody know what my needs were or if they weren't being met in the first place. I know that was inappropriate. Well, I know that now. And now that I know that, I can do better.
My meds seem to be having a reverse effect on me. I will be having another appt with my doc as soon as I get back to SD (Aug 8th I get back). Summer here is brutal right now...mid-90s, 60% humidity, NO rain, and NO AC! Grrr. I miss my AC. But I'm sweating it out, literally, and waiting until I can get back home.
It's getting stressful here because of my mixed responsibilities, as a mother and yet as a daughter. It's tough to find my place in this house right now. And my parents are really pushing for my DH to get out of the military because they don't think we'll have the support that we need if we're across the country. (They live in an area very, very far from any bases, so we can't even try to get stationed near them, otherwise I'd try to.) My dad was in once (Army) for 3 years as a single guy, then got out. Then he left college while he was married (I was about 4) and joined again (Army) for 4 years. He said that the military is really no place for married people because of the challenges. I said he had a point, but no matter where you are there are challenges. The challenges just change depending on where you are, but that doesn't make them any easier. But I think with a better perspective, a strengthening marriage, and still close family ties, we can make it work whether DH is in the military or not. I like being a military wife (odd, I know), and he enjoys being in. We have no college or other really marketable skills for jobs on the outside that pay at least as much as we make now, or maybe more. We only get about $25,000 a year, before taxes and bills. It's definitely enough to survive on, but we can't even guarantee that (plus benefits) on the outside. And we don't know for sure if we want to live near my parents. Not sure if it's the area we like, just geographically speaking. Just feeling very pulled in both directions. I finally caved and admitted to my dad yesterday that I feel stuck in the middle -- must do what's right for the kids, and please DH and please them. But no matter what I do or what decision is made (even though it's not ultimately my decision), people are going to be mad at me. I feel unfairly put in the middle of this and held accountable when it's not even my decision. DH is listening intently to each argument I put in the way to consider in this decision, but it's HIS name on the dotted line, not mine.
'k. Anyway. Sorry. Needed to vent a little, but also if anybody has more information, maybe a BTDT, or just anything on their heart about it, please share! I can use all the good, unbiased help I can get. (My parents are really too biased and too close to the situation to be of good help. I'm learning that now. Oops.)
The kids will definitely get their own day. I'm the kind who gives presents all year round. Whenever I see something that I know somebody would like or use, I pick it up (funds permitting). And I have to give it to them right away. I can't horde presents. I get too worked up and excited to see their expression and want them to have it right then. :) So far I'm keeping journals for the boys, one journal for each boy. About their development and "firsts" as well as things I think they'll need to know down the line but we may not get a chance to really talk about. (Like peer pressure and patience and family medical history, etc.) Then when they're older, I will give them their journals. No set age, just whenever it feels like the right time and I think they'd be old enough to understand them and the spirit in which they were written.
'k. Another book. Sorry. I'm talkative lately. :) But that's a good thing. The heat hasn't wiped me completely out. Everybody please take care! I'll be checking in, even though I get busy. At my house (in SD), DH watches DS most afternoons so I can do things like this and check in and read my books, etc. :) It means so much to me. (And I let him know that.) Love you all and hope you all see better days!
One thing I'm thankful for: I just got another course back from my correspondence college. I still have my 4.0!! :) YEAH!!! Very proud of myself. Making up for high school. :)
Aislinn:
Part of the reason you are doing so well emotionally/BP-wise right now COULD be related to your pregnancy. Other then when I was on meds, the most stable time in my life was the 2nd half of my pregnancy with my daughter. I felt great, but not manicy, didn't have the mood swings a lot of "normal" people have even. Maybe it was nature's way of making it up to me LOL! But pregnancy hormones can do weird things - that can be part of it.
Glad to hear you are doing well and that you are working things out in your life.
As for the military life, I am not in the military nor am I married to anyone in the service. My best friends are a military couple - he's in the AF and she's the devoted AF wife waiting while he is gone for months at a time and dragging their two kids from country to country and state to state. She is actually from the UK and he lived most of his life there so they have very few marketable skills outside of the AF. She worked at a fish counter in a supermarket before he enlisted, and he worked for a company crafting wooden furniture, but those aren't exactly marketable skills here. They have chosen to stay in the service, despite both of their families asking them to NOT re-up on several occasions (he has been in for 12 years now). Despite the challanges, they feel this is where they will succeed the most and had to make their families understand that although they love and respect their opinions, THEY are the family they have to be concerned with first and formost. It is their decision to make and deal with.
Basically, that was my REALLY REALLY long way to say you and your DH need to decide what is best for you and your kids. If you are both doing well in the military and it suits you, then stay. Our country needs dedicated people in our services. If you decide it just isn't going to be the best option and to move near (or far away from) your family then it is awesome that your family gave years of their lives in service and you should be proud of that.
If ever you feel neglected on the board SPEAK UP! As others have pointed out, it gets busy on here and who can keep up.
Take care of you and your family :)
Tracey
Hey Amanda...
Just wanted to give you hugs and let you know I am glad you're back.
We'll get through this depression stuff, okay?
Beth,
I felt the same way after reading Kay Jamison's books - I was never "like that" (at least not yet and I was diagnosed comparatively early).
*biggest hugs in the world* (((Beth)))
Thanks so much for a laugh...I feel the same way about the destructive manias...I too have the alcohol, spending, and I like to do stupid things like take off from AA with some guy I don't know in Buffalo! And then there are things like putting myself in physical danger. Still, not as high as could be I'm sure. I always go back to doubting...but now that more people also doubt it I'm getting defensive and saying "hey wait a minute! I know I am...even if it's bpII" and feel like they are discounting everything i have to say for their own opinions.
Love you too! I'm so glad you're getting the meds straight...I'm thinking of going off mine...as it is I think I've only been taking them half the time and at least the shaking has stopped. Dissociation, depersonalization, derealization are really bad though.
Love ya,
Amanda
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