How to help husband w/ BP

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
How to help husband w/ BP
3
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 10:40am

Hi everyone:
My DH has been diagnosed w/ bipolar II. We have only been married for 2 yrs, but were together for 3 before that. It is a 2nd marriage for both. His illness has put a lot of stress on me (& the rest of the family--his DD is living w/ her grandmother for the summer because they can't get along. Of course, I doubt he recognizes that he has contributed to their lack of relationship.)
My immediate question is this: Last night we had an argument bec. I told him I thought he was getting into a manic state. I have read up on this illness and told him that all week he had shown the symptoms of talking a lot, not sleeping and being very irritable. The argument started bec. we were in the back yard and he saw a bird and I said "maybe you could put up the bird feeder before the winter comes." Of course, I was making a joke. It's his idea to have a bird feeder, he bought the stuff and keeps saying he is going to put it in the yard. I could care less. Then when I told him he had been acting different all week, he just yelled at me. However, this a.m. he said he would call his nurse practitioner and tell her what I said. He has an appt. w/ her anyway for next week.

Could the people who have BP tell me--do you realize when you are getting into a manic of depressed state? It's pretty easy for me to see that his behavior is changing. He is going to a counsellor who is supposed to be helping him w/ his anger issues in addition to the NP who prescribes the medication. I am so sick of the roller coaster of having to deal w/ his emotions, not to mention that I think it's unfair to my kids to put them in this situation. He was not diagnosed until after marriage. Sometimes I just can't stand him. I am sick of the arguing and if it weren't for the financial considerations, I would probably leave him right now. When he's "normal", we have a good time together. Is there anything I can do to help him? When he blows up at me for something stupid, it's hard for me not to react, even though I try and I say I'm sorry, even though it's not my fault. He never says he's sorry for hurting my feelings or over-reacting. I guess everyone is just supposed to put up w/ his bad behavior because he can't help it. I realize he probably can't help it, but he could say he's sorry. He has practically lost his daughter. It seems like he doesn't care if he loses me too.

Sorry for rambling on, but if anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 2:33pm

Well, I don't know how much help I'm going to be...but I'm sure my dh could have written your post also.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 5:44pm

How long has it been since he was dx'd?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 10:11am

Dear Marci:

Thanks for all your help & suggestions. I try to keep in the back of my mind that even when my DH is being a "jerk" that he probably can't help it due to his illness. Unfortunately, it doesn't always help. Two days after an argument, he can be back to his happy self like nothing happened, but it takes me longer to get over it. I think if he said he was sorry, it would help. His way of saying that he knows I'm right is that he told me he called his nurse prac. the day after our argument and told her what I said. She hasn't called him back though, which is kind of surprising, but he does have an appt. w/ her this week.

He was actually diagnosed w/ BP last year I think. Before that, they just told him he had depression and he went through trials of many diff. meds in many combinations before finding what "worked". I think his illness is medication resistant. So last year, he was put on Lithium, in add. to other things. The NP & his then counsellor thought he might have BP, but he is so resistant to admitting he has a mental illness, that they didn't bring it up right away because they thought he couldn't handle it. I know when you are on lithium, you are supposed to have blood tests to check the level. He has told me it could be very dangerous if the level is too high. I know he hasn't had a blood test in months and I am surprised the medical people aren't after him. There was some confusion when we changed the health ins. co., having to get all meds re-approved, etc. He does not take care of his health very well, although I think he takes his meds, as far as I know and he does go to counselling, although I don't know if once a month is enough, considering all the additional stress he has been through this year.

Well, things seem to be calmed down, so I think I can hang in there until his appt. on Thurs. Thanks again.