Life is overwhelming me! *MAJOR trigs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Life is overwhelming me! *MAJOR trigs*
6
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 12:27pm

MAJOR trigs coming....

Sometimes I feel guilty for posting, because sooo many people have it A LOT worse than me. I look like I am feeling sorry for myself. But things just get me down and I just HAVE to vent. Right now it's my HUGE collection of bills I have managed to accrue for myself with all my hysterical spending. I have so many I just can't keep track of all of them because my organizational skills are non-existent. It's hard to keep track of THREE car payments, five credit cards, two phone bills, two types of ins bills, electric bill, and Lord knows WHAT else! I have so many, I am making late payments because I forget about them. I get depressed just getting the mail. I am getting where I simply CAN'T open them and they just lie there. Then suddenly I become obsessed about them and pay everything all at once in a panic. At the moment I HATE life and would be absolutely DELIGHTED if I was told I have a terminal illness. I'm sorry! I know that sounds sick, (not to mention full of self pity) but it's just the way I feel right now. I keep thinking about ending it all. It would be sooo easy and I wouldn't have to worry about life anymore. It's just too hard. I am day dreaming now about dying. Planning my funeral, wondering what happens on the "other side", if there is one. Trying to "feel out" how my family would react to my death. Plotting how to make it look like an accident so my family will get the insurance money. I would feel terribly guilty leaving them with nothing. I have taken out three life insurance policies now so the house could be paid off. I am afraid to tell my pdoc, because I KNOW what will happen. I just don't get much out of going inpatient. Last time I got into a big fight with a nurse in the middle of the night and came out more traumatized then when I went in. What is really scaring me is I don't WANT to tell my pdoc so she won't stop me. I'm not sure what to do. Should I stay or should I go?
I am very melancholy today! Hope I didn't trigger anyone else!
Jodie

Jodie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 12:39pm

Jodie:

Don't ever feel bad about posting, that is what the board is for.

One thing I did to help keep track of the bills was to create a spreadsheet in Excel listing the bill, day of the month they are due, and how much they typically are. In the job I have now, I use Microsoft Outlook, so I was able to set up recurring tasks to pop up and remind me on those dates that the bill needs to be paid.

I do the EXACT same thing with bills. I put them aside because I hate to pay them, even though the money is sitting in the bank. It's a horrible habit, but I do. Now, I pay as many of them as possible on-line or on the phone, which is easier for me. I don't know why that is, but it is :)

As for your death making it easier for your family, it wouldn't!!

Perhaps your husband can help out with the bills for a while? Or your parents? Have someone else take total control of the money and give you an allowance - that helps with the out of control spending too - because you KNOW you aren't getting any more $$!!

Good luck and please keep posting as you need to!
Tracey

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 12:56pm

Jodie,


I SO understand where you are coming from--this was me before meds for sure and sometimes after.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 1:46pm

I do this on a monthly/weekly/daily basis.

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 3:15pm

Jodie,

I am sooooo sorry you are feeling so bad. Please know that there are many who care about you. I know it is hard to keep fighting when you feel so awful, but do please keep fighting... talk to your doctor or a friend or a family member... get it out... post here... just take care of yourself.

Catherine

Avatar for missyflanders
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 8:15pm

Jodie - Please go to the hospital, if you have not already. Or be honest with your pdoc. You owe it to yourself to be the best you can be. Hopefully it will be a much better experience. Is there another hospital you can go to?

Hugs to you. Please keep posting.

Missy

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:12am

Jodie,


Please stay.