Tracey
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Tracey
| Sat, 08-06-2005 - 11:42am |
I know you won't get this til Monday, but I thought I'd write while I had a chance.
| Sat, 08-06-2005 - 11:42am |
I know you won't get this til Monday, but I thought I'd write while I had a chance.
I really really wish I had gotten this message earlier. I don't know if you will be checking the board or not, but I will be calling you in the AM. I am worried about you!!!
Most Critical! If you haven't already called the police about the break in do it NOW. I don't CARE if he is your brother, and I don't CARE what it will do to anyone else's feelings. Shut that creep DOWN!!!!!!
As for the BIL - have Eric deal with him. Don't sweat him.
Everything else, including (especially?) the board...let it go. You NEED to start putting you before others. You NEED to start seeing a tdoc and dealing with your past issue so that you can be cured of caretakers disease. I don't care that it isn't in any medical journals, it DOES exist and it is OFTEN fatal!!
You are WAY too important to me, hang in there and take care of YOU!!! I'll talk to you soon!
Love
Tracey
omg...i have had a HORRIBLE weekend...parts were good, most parts were horrible...my moods are swinging like you would NOT believe. I am more depressed than I have been in a long time...but at the same time, very irritable, and agitated too. I got in a fight with my mom on Saturday...then cried for 3 hours. Felt a little better. Was okay for the most part yesterday. Then last night, crashed hard for about an hour. Then was okay again for a bit, then NOT okay again for the rest of the night. Didn't sleep despite many meds. I need to call my pdoc today. But I'm scared to. I have no choice though. I will NOT go back to the hospital, period.
So then this morning, in a meeting, all the "bosses" decided to laugh at this woman who missed a conference because she had a "mental breakdown". They thought it was so funny. I almost burst out crying. It was all I could do to not cry. But I didn't.
My brother is gone. We changed the locks on our doors. Its done.
I have SO much to do...at work, and personally.
I am so tired though. Just so tired. Told Eric last night, I just want to sleep and sleep...I'm tired of THAT too. I'm tired and angry, and sad, and frustrated!
I'll be okay.
How did your weekend go?
Oh, btw, I talked to Teri last night, she's okay...not great either, but hanging in there. She said to tell you hi.
I tried to call you at work but you must have been in your meeting.
1. Make certain to talk to a lawyer or something about your work. They pulled all that crud on you lately and now laughing about that during a meeting - especially since they know you have a mental illness....it's wrong, and illegal.
2. You do whatever you need to do to be safe. If you have to go back to the hospital, then do it. I KNOW how you feel after last time, but if it comes down to the wire, it might be best.
3. I'm SO glad you stood up to your mom. Sucks that you had the guilt afterward, but still!
My weekend was mostly wonderful and spectacular. You know my Friday sucked. It didn't improve. It took us 6 hours to drive 200 measley miles. NOT fun. We were both VERY tense when we finally made it. Saturday was amazing and great. Yesterday I got too much sun (I think) combined with no meds for the weekend threw me into a bit of a depression. It didn't help when we were getting home we were both stressed and got into an arguement that carried through the whole night until almost 11. I was so upset when we got home I just avoided him. Things had seemed better while we had supper but then it flared back up around 9:30 so I just went to bed and had a good cry. Thankfully, he came to bed at 10:15 and kept asking if I was ok and what was wrong until I talked to him. We didn't completely resolve things, but we felt better and he made me feel safer that he wasn't going to leave - that was my biggest panic. I kept thinking about all the nice things he does (Saturday he picked me a lily flower while he was fishing with Dale and I was in camp with Sara). I couldn't stand him leaving. So, that was better.
This morning, Savannah called me for a few minutes, then she calls HIM to visit! I think it is pretty funny!
Anyway, hang in there, talk to me as much as you need to. I'll talk to you later.
I'm so glad you feel better...I really don't think he's leaving...he loves you...but I know its scary as heck, especially when the tense times come around...I get like that too, and we have been married for 14 years!
I called Jane, my pdoc...told her we HAD to do something...that I was mood swinging like crazy...from raging irritable to VERY sad and crying for hours...that I just can't take it...but that I am NOT going to the hospital, and I mean it...I know that if i HAVE to, I will...but I think if we do something with my meds, I will be okay. I'm fighting with all I have...I'm just SO exhausted...physically and mentally. And my entire body hurts...its one of Topamax's more rare side effects, but hopefully it will go away. I am just so, I don't know...tired. I'm tired of fighting this. I really am. But I have to try, if not for me, for my kid and Eric. I'm just really really tired. It gets so frustrating to never get a break. But, I've been here before (only a million times).
As for work...omg. I need to talk to Bill and let him know how upset that made me this morning...but I'm still to upset to talk about it. I'm on the verge of crying over everything still right now. I don't want to cry in front of him. I don't want to work right now, period. I need to take off at least a day or two...but I don't want them to know I'm unstable again. That's all I need. Its not fair though, because they take off whenever they want, for whatever they want. I have lots of leave time now. But you know what I mean. I went home early one day last week already.
What do I do? I don't even know anymore WHAT to do about anything. I fought and fought with myself about calling my pdoc. But finally just did it. I'm just having a REALLY hard time. REALLY hard time. I don't even care anymore and that is what scares me...but maybe I do care...and that is why I won't go to the hospital, and don't want to take time off work...I don't know, my brain is bad...I'm so confused. I just DON'T want to live like this anymore. I want to be normal. I want to live for one week OKAY. Is that too much to ask? Then I get so angry and go into a rage about the smallest thing, and then I end up crying because I've hurt someone's feelings.
Just wanted to tell you to hang in there...everything will be fine...work will be fine, or not...one way or another it will all work out FOR THE BEST.
Pdoc hasn't called back yet, but I'm starting to feel somewhat better; not as HORRIBLY depressed as I was earlier. I need some sleep for one...I know that much; I am totally exhausted. I'll call her back in a bit. I may leave a little early this afternoon, not sure yet. I could have some "errands" to run. Dunno.
Don't wanna be here. I have gotten about 30 minutes worth of work done all day. Terrible.