Tracey
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| Wed, 08-10-2005 - 9:57am |
How are ya honey? At work? How is it going? I'm hanging in there...still raging really really easy. Hopefully that will subside some as the Wellbutrin gets out of my system. I don't know. I'm so irritable at home I can't stand Eric. And he isn't doing anything. But I still can't stand him, period. That's not very nice of me, but he and my family are the only ones I can go off on safely, I guess. I have to get that together very soon, I just don't know how.
Yes, you HAVE been through SO MANY adjustments in a very short time, so to get right down to it, you are handling it VERY well. BUT, not well enough. So, maybe you DO need to call your pdoc and see what you should do. Seriously. Maybe with a meds adjustment, you can deal with things more easily. You really shouldn't quit your job, you have your insurance and all through that job, until Mike gets one, and can carry insurance there.
I am really worried about you, but I'm also pretty silly, irritable, laughing, manicky (HOW CAN THAT BE?) and MAD, with periods of sadness, crying, and hopelessness thrown in for good measure. I have to go up to 150 mgs of Topamax tonight. She wants me at 200 by Friday. I binged last night, since I didn't eat anything all day. I had 2 PBJ sandwiches, a bagel with 2 thin slices of lean ham...and something else, can't remember...so probably didn't make me gain any weight, but I wanted to not eat anything.

I'm at work, but god knows for how long. I am beyond raging. Every little thing the moron twins say and do make me just completely psychotic. I really do NOT want to be here. They just keep making me worse and worse.
I am going to call my pdoc today, I just can't deal with it, and am starting to take it out on Mike...which I do NOT want to do. I was SO moody yesterday :(
You, btw, need to be eating. I know the topamax makes you NOT want to eat, but you have to make yourself eat small meals at least 2x a day. You don't have to eat a LOT but you have to eat something.
I'll write more later, I am just too crabby to form logical sentences right now.
Hang in there, and I will too.
I am so sorry you are raging so horribly...and I know how bad it makes you feel to take it out on Mike...its what I've been doing too, and I hate it...but I can't help it. He does stupid little stuff that just totally sets me off, and once I'm set off, I'm over the top. I am starving right now, and I'm fighting it. Don't want to to eat. Want to starve myself. How STUPID is that. I want chinese food. That's what I want. But I won't let myself have it. Punishment of sorts. For what, don't ask. I can't tell you. I'm a mess. I'm playing it off pretty well, at work, that is. LOL.
k, have a confession. Talked to Howard yesterday. But it was GOOD, because I went the heck OFF on him, told him ALL kinds of stuff I should have told him YEARS ago. Course, he got me back, and I hate him now, and its a good thing that I don't have anything in my possession and have no idea how to find him, because he played the ONE card he had to play on me, that he knew would hurt and REALLY REALLY make me angry. Know what it was??? Can't tell you here, but I will later. It still was worth it. Its how I knew I was manic yesterday.
I dunno.
I am going to my parents this weekend. I have to go to my grandmothers to get dad's birth certificate, and I have decided that if she mentions anything to me about anything, I'm going off on her. Seriously. About SO many things. Crazy freaking witch. Don't mind going to my parents this weekend though, cuz I need to get away from my house. If I stay there this weekend, I'll go nuts. Eric is already getting tired of me. Not really, but you know what I mean.
Its one thing to accept my little quirks, and mood swings. But its another to not accept down right meanness. Ya know?
I did a lot of work yesterday. Nothing today. Don't want to and don't care.
I'm so tired of this. One good day out of seven sucks. And that one "good" day isn't even a REAL good. Its a "fake" good. A stupid manic, fake good.
Sorry for going on and on when you aren't doing well yourself.