Anger and Patience are not my friends...
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| Wed, 08-10-2005 - 2:38pm |
Okay, I know that I'm not perfect. But I am so sick of people who are perfectly "healthy" acting like freaking babies. They get a little sore throat, so they stay in bed all day! For chrissakes, if I stayed in bed every time I didn't feel good, I would never get OUT of bed. Now, I'm also sick of being expected to do things I don't want to do. I won't elaborate, because I'm too angry to do so.
I got in a major argument (more like a war) yesterday with an old so-called friend and in doing so, hurt another friend who was a real friend. Now the so called friend went and told the real friend (who is his best friend - i know, don't ask) what i said, and now the real friend called and is upset with me, and i HATE THE SO CALLED FRIEND SO MUCH...he is an ex-bf too and I just hate him. We both hurt each other, and always had a sort of volatile, and very love hate relationship. I loved him with all my heart and soul, but I hated him just as much. Anyway, I totally messed things up AGAIN. And I did it on purpose yesterday, because I needed a punching bag. WTF is up with me? I can't take this much longer...I know how to deal with mania...I know how to deal with sadness, and crying, and even depression...but I've never been this angry in my entire life. I keep hoping it will go away, as the Wellbutin gets out of my system, but it hasn't yet and I've been off Wellbutrin for 3 days now.
I don't know what to do. I'm just angry at everything right now.
I'm sick of a lot of things, and I could very very easily run far far away and never look back. And that makes me angry too! Because I feel so freaking guilty for thinking about it, about the fact that it would make my family feel bad...but what the freak about me???? When does it get to be MY TURN? To run away if I want to? GOD...

I could have written the second 1/2 of your post, for most of my life.
God could not be everywhere, so
That's what I did...I went outside and smoked a ciggarette...my first one of the last 24 hours...I'm more calm now...but I hate it all still...just not adjusting well to all this right now...I have been dealing with "all this" for 3.5 years now, and am plain tired. That's all...just plain tired...ya know?
Am doing the whole, its not fair thing. I usually do better than that...
Just my time to feel sorry for myself. I'll be okay.
How are you hangin in? Did you reschedule yet, or is that tomorrow?
Keli:
You know that C will understand when it all comes down to it, or if he doesn't, he wasn't your true friend after all. I know that sounds trite, but it's true. How good of a friend is he to H if he was always running to you with everything H said? And how do you know he wasn't running to H after talking to you?
Basically I am saying to not sweat it, I guess.
I am stressed like crazy about the pdoc appt. Just dreading it. Same with the email I have to send my boss. Would like to put it off until after I see pdoc, but have to check and see when my boss comes back to office. I don't think I am going to come back into work tomorrow after my appt...I don't care about money any more.
Hang in there...you'll be better soon.
oh yes...I know the plain ole tired part....all too much.
God could not be everywhere, so
Yay about DS's appt!!!!! That's so cool!
We can all have a pity party and then a let's just get on with it now party!
Smoking...well, I smoke, then quit...then smoke, then quit...I only smoke less than a pack a week. So not very much. But if I don't have a pack in my purse, I freak. I totally cannot afford it either. Hate that too.
I'm taking off Friday too. My son starts high school on Monday, so scary for me...doesn't faze him in the least. And I have to get him some school stuff, and a hair cut, and all that fun stuff.
I have to go to his football practice tonight at 6:30 and I really don't want to. I don't know why I have to go, but he says I do. After that, I might ride around or something. I really don't want to sit in my house, and watch the walls. I'll go more nuts. Ugh.
Hey, I'm ok. The leave thing is pretty much what I am going to approach my pdoc about tomorrow. I don't know what else to do.
I am watching the clock and have only an hour and 15 minutes left until I get to head home - YAY!!! I am waiting to hear if Mike is home or if I have to pick him up. That will decide if we go to the pool hall tonight or not. BLAH.
Don't worry about me, I promise I am safe. We're both going to be ok. I'll talk to you later or tomorrow.
love you too!