Tracey
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Tracey
| Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:28am |
Not doing well at all...see my post under Donna's...
How are you...? Any better?
I am so sick of this.
| Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:28am |
Not doing well at all...see my post under Donna's...
How are you...? Any better?
I am so sick of this.
All I can really say is no not better and yes sick of this too.
What do we do? Am nervous as heck about pdoc appt today. I KNOW he isnt going to give me leave.
I was bad last night. Was very emotional at moms, hid it well (she was being her normal delightful self to me), and then stopped at the liquor store on the way home (my trade off instead of going to the pool hall). I bought a bottle of bahama mama's (a liter) and proceeded to drink it. Only time Mike got upset with me was when he looked over at me on the phone at the kitchen table and saw me smoking one of his cigarettes. He flipped out and took it away from me.
I'm getting bad enough I am questioning everything.
I wish we were both good again.
You gotta tell your pdoc how bad you really are, and how much worse things are when you are at work. I know how hard that is though.
Eric was pissed as heck at me all night. Which in turn made me even more mad, and then I would cry forever, then get even MORE mad. Then I would think the stupid things, like wanting to take all my meds and stupid stuff like that. UGH. Then I told my mother something like "EVERYONE IS MAD AT ME" (screamed, not told) and she called me a little while later (of course) and asked me if i was taking my meds. omg. i was like, YES I AM TAKING THE STUPID THINGS! But honestly, why AM i taking them? They don't work. I am going out of my mind here, and aren't they supposed to prevent that? ugh again. So, then I try to explain to her that I am cycling fast and hard. She doesn't get it. I text Eric's phone and tell him I'm sorry, but that I am having the worst time I can remember having. He doesn't respond. I hate him. Mike comes home around8:45. Then at 9:00 he wants to go to his friend's house to spend the night. Eric kinda goes off, something about summer almost over and he needs to stay home, that he isn't taking him, and "get your mom to take you if you're going". OMG, I was pissed. SO, I took him, even though I'd taken enough meds to knock myself out long before. I didn't care. I really hate him now. So I get home and go to sleep. This is all after I'd screamed and cried over and over and over and over. Going from mad to feeling sorry for everyone around me, to feeling sorry for myself, to wanting to die, to getting REALLY mad again, etc. etc. etc. etc.
I don't know if I can handle much more.
I hope your appt. goes okay. I think it will. I'm off tomorrow. But I should be here all of today. Not that I want to be.
I gotta get myself together SOMEHOW or I don't know what is going to happen.
I plan on being completely blunt with my pdoc. And now it is spilling over into other parts of my life, this being completely hateful and miserable...I can't have it. I don't know how he'll react to my flat out asking him for leave from work, but I don't care either. I figure I'll be crying a lot in there. I don't WANT more meds. I hate the ones I take.
I still can't believe that I got drunk last night...and have the hangover to prove it. Blah! Mike was stunned, but at least he had the good sense to ask me if I was sure I wanted to drink one time and then to drop it.
Now down to the brass tacks. I KNOW they screwed you over on that detail last time, but I think you are almost to the point where you NEED to be in the hospital. Don't think about that one thing, think about how much they helped you. I am REALLY REALLY worrying about you. I know you are as miserable at your work as I am at mine, except you have more jerks at yours. Call Jane TODAY. Let her know what is going on. You KNOW she is going to suggest the hospital again. I think you should give it some thought. You will be safe there and they can end this cycling for you again.
I'll call you in a bit, and keep in mind that I do love you :)
T
btw: if you took those pills I would kick your rear so DANG hard. Don't even THINK of acting on any of that behavior because I would sell Mike to get the money for a plane ticket down there. What would I do without you?
OMG, i had this LONG post typed and lost it...ugh
I am feeling better...I did call jane, she'll call me back...
your post had me laughing my you know what off! i would sell eric too!!!!!! :)
omg, how funny.
yeah, we got dealt a really bum deal, no doubt...but we'll get through it...it sucks...but we have been here before...no, no hospital yet...i can deal with this with jane on my own...but i promise you i won't do anything stupid...i have the thoughts, but would never do anything...that's just me venting...out loud...i promise...
stupid bp, stupid meds, stupid pdocs...stupid men...stupid jobs...stupid people who don't know jack...what else?
i'm in an upswing, as you can probably tell...this happens about this time every day...its the freakin seroquel...tried not to take it last night, but had no choice...i'm going to try again tonight.
i'll say a prayer for you before your appt. it BETTER go the way we want it to!
oh yeah, mike was quite smart last nite, to ask only ONCE about the drinking...too bad eric wasn't...jerk. maybe he will redeem himself today...maybe he won't...don't care.
i love you too girl...you are one of the most important people in my life...COULD NOT do with out you...lol.
k.
I'm glad you called Jane. Ask her about taking you off the seroquel and putting you onto the risperdal (sp?). Could it be worse?
I'm anxious as heck about my appt...just nauseous. Talked to Mike, he is stunned that I drank that whole bottle, but didn't slam me about it. Just reminded me that he had better not catch me smoking again LOL. I probably feel more sick today because of that then I do from the drinking (or not! LOL).
I'm glad that my post made you laugh. I am just about the same. Tired and miserable and want to get through this appt. I haven't decided if I am coming back to work today or not. I really don't want to.
BLAH! I'll call you later and let you know what happens.
i am going through the roof again right now...going so fast i can't see straight almost...really irritable again too and on the verge of tears...this is NOT right to be this way...
but i'm not going in the hospital, lol, so don't anyone go there...
will email you my cell number, just in case for some reason i skip outta here...wish i could...reallyreallyreally reallyt wish i could...i am going for a ride now...
mom calls me twice today and i just want to hurt her feelings...if i hurt my mom's feelings, something bad WILL happen, i know that much...i cannot let that happen...she doesn'tmean anything by it. she is just worried about me.
emailing you my cell...trying to decide if i want to go home, i need to...but for now, going for a ride...