Does anyone else ever get sick of....
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| Tue, 08-23-2005 - 3:24pm |
themselves????
I am so sick of myself I could scream...I am sick of BP...just plain sick of it. My symptoms, my life, my brain, my life, my symptoms, my cycles, my brain...see?
Yes, I am having major trouble again. We all know this.
I go to my pdoc in the morning at 8:30. She is sick of it too, I'm sure.
If I'm completely honest with her, I may end up I/P and I cannot go I/P tomorrow. Just can't. They are counting on me at work for an assignment for the next day or two and I have to do this. Needless to say, I don't want to be in the hospital either. It sucks big time. Its boring, been there done that. I can be treated outpatient. I am not GOING to hurt myself. I may have THOUGHTS...but I'm not going to act on them. Yes, I am messed up, but three to five days in the psych ward isn't going to fix me.
That's what I freaking want. To be fixed.
I have to fix myself and I've not been able to even THINK clearly enough to focus on myself enough to do even remotely close to that. I need the pdocs to get me there.
I have to write a bunch of stuff down tonight somehow SOMEHOW SOMEHOW coherently enough (if you only knew how hard that was) to make my pdoc understand. Hopefully I can do it.
I go from being TERRIBLY angry and irritable to crying to being non functional to pretending enough at work and sometimes at home that I am okay. I'm not okay.
I feel guilty, very guilty for SO many things...things that are not even under my control. THen i feel like I have to be punsihed for them.
Am I the only one that feels this way? You guys are all so well put together and I am always falling apart. That's how I feel.
Sorry.

No, you are not the only one messed up, and no we are not always on top of things...I think not everyone posts everything, in fear of triggering someone else...and think about how sensitive everyone is now...blah it sucks !!!
I know how it feels to think you are being punished...I've been doing that one for months !!!
God could not be everywhere, so
Thanks guys...
It helps to get it out sometimes! I'm glad I'm not the only one!
Donna: I gained just as much weight in the same amount of time and man, it is totally embarrassing! oh well...my ds is 14 almost 15, going on 25 and he is always saying, don't wear those sweat pants mom...wear your work clothes (sadly, those are my "good" ones)...i hate it...i know he is embarrassed by me. He is VERY VERY VERY into himself, and he is very good looking and very conscious about his looks...he's not a bad kid, but well maybe those with teens can relate.
Well, its almost time for me to get out of dodge. and its going to rain on me very soon...so i'm in a bit of a rush...its stil 96 degrees and HOT here...ugh.
We will all be okay. There is a full moon, remember that, ladies...it wreaks havoc with our moods...is a proven fact.
I could use prayers of all kinds for my appt tomorrow.
I know I will be okay, I've been in MUCH worse spots than this. I just get a little nutso sometimes...imagine that!
Love and Hugs,
Keli
Sending lots and lost of p&pt your way !!!
And whatever Tracey did to help you today, I'm so happy !!!!!
Let us know how it goes tomorrow.
"You win some, you lose some, you wreck some." -- Dale Earnhardt
God could not be everywhere, so
Awww you guys...((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) You are both not alone, this whole weight thing really pisses me off too. I mean ok, what was God thinking? To give us BP and then meds that make us eat more and gain weight and the emotional instability not to handle it and binge because we cant handle being fat and dont know what to do about it because there are days we dont get out of bed or are i/p and cant, I mean I firmly believe that God has everything all planned out and someday hopefully it will make sense, but weight problems on top of being BP just seems like a cruel joke yanno? I finally have some super motivation about this whole weight loss thing and have been kicking *ss....but I have also been either manic or middle of the road the whole time since I got this motivation. Once I am down, who the hell knows what will happen. And Donna, I can relate to the pregnancy weight business. My youngest is 5 and I weigh now what I did when I gave birth to her. I gained 60 lbs in less than a year. SO dont feel alone ever in that. I dont know how many times I cried about not being able to fit in my clothes...but yanno what...at least your DH wants you, regardless of if his timing is all sorts of screwballed, I think in his mind he probably thought it would make you feel better. I dont even remember the last time I, yanno, my DH just isnt interested at all. Today he told me I look like I am losing weight, but thats the closest thing to any sort of him finding me attractive that I ever get. So feel blessed that at least he cares, bad timing or not. Anyways, I hope that you guys can keep your heads up and know that it will get better eventually. Dont let you get to you anymore today ok?
Rebekah
Waay too often and not just BP, all my other health problems too!