I am falling apart at the seams...TRIGS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
I am falling apart at the seams...TRIGS!
9
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 8:36am

Beware! This is going to be very depressing!

I hate always posting marose, melancholoy stuff but life sucks! I screwed up the bank account again. I bought stuff I KNOW we couldn't afford. Now we are over drawn AGAIN. I also got pretty enthusiastic during a manic episode and paid too much on our MOUNTAIN of credit cards which also helped mess things up. I can't stand looking at the huge pile laying over on the desk. So I don't. So the darn things get paid late more and more often now. I realize I am definitely in a depression that I didn't really recognize before. I was handling the over drawn account sort of OK until I learned that I paid the mortgage too late as well and got charged a late fee. I was mortified. My mom didn't help matters by telling me that "ignoring" the mortgage had consequences for them too since my dad is also on the mortgage. I am getting so sick of all this crap. It's all my fault too which makes it harder to bear. My poor DH hasn't hardly spent a dime. He thought my total hysteria was absolutely hilarious. Nothing ever seems to make him angry. I think I have figured out the depression I am in prevents me from even going over to the desk with the bills on it. It makes me feel worse. Yesterday I threw them across the room in a rage. I came very close to tearing them up. But that won't make them go away. This is one of those times I wish I had never been born, or that I had been born NORMAL and well-adjusted. I hate it here. I seem to make a muck of everything now. I still think about crashing my car into the guard rail or a tree. It is getting to the point where I have to actually force myself to stay on the road because the notion is becoming more and more tempting. I am also counting my meds. I stuffed my Serquel bottle full of over over 100 pills and got my Ambien perscription filled. I have 44 pills in it, some left over from last month. I am trying to get my Xanax refilled as well, which will give me an additional 60 pills. My last overdose of just the Xanax was only 39 pills and it nearly killed me. I was unconscious only about 2 minutes after I took the last pill. I was in ICU for 2 days. Taking all this stuff would definitely end it all. If ONE MORE bad thing happens I swear I just might do "it". I just can't take anymore. You know how some people thrive on stress? I'm definitely NOT one of them!!
Sorry so glum!
Jodie

Jodie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 9:00am

Jodie, I'm so sorry you are having a rough time....please don't do anything to hurt yourself.


I too once thought about how much it would hurt to wrap the car around a tree, or go off the interstate at 90 miles an hour...and then I think of my kids, and leaving them behind, and the burden it would leave on dh...and dd having to live with her bio dad.


Call the pdoc, tdoc, someone...talk to dh, get some help.


blah, I hate bills, and do the same thing...we are majorly stuck right now..went to a concert last night, took out $60 bucks, and bought a t-shirt and bandana for dd...that was another $45...what the heck was I thinking?


So, you are not alone...we are here for you


((((HUGS))))




"You win some, you lose some, you wreck some." -- Dale Earnhardt
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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 9:23am

Jodie,

I just got back from mypdoc's office and if I can go in there in the shape I'm in and admit how I'm feeling, then you can do the same, do you hear me? You will NOT take those meds, period. What you WILL do, is give them to your dh to hold for you. You WILL call your pdoc and YOU WILL NOT drive your car into a tree.

Its time for those of us having problems with our BP (including the related problems, like bills, money issues, anger issues, weight issues, ETC.) to GET A FREAKING GRIP and pull together and help each other through this.

You call your pdoc's office this morning and be honest about your feelings, Jodie. I am totally serious. Please! I care about you too much to lose you. I want you to LIVE and ENJOY LIVING. Just because we are BP doesn't mean we have to be miserable for the rest of our lives (yes, I did just say that!).

Please call your pdoc, or go back to the ER. Please.

Love you honey. I don't mean to yell at you, so don't get mad, okay?

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:14am
Nah, I didn't get angry. I am too busy being angry with myself. I am also still in a complete state of panic and crushing depression. I wonder what else I can mess up? What a week it's been! And it's only half over. I have been so upset all day I've been shaking so hard I can hardly type. If my boss found out I was this "freaky" she'd probably send me home as useless for the day, and charge me an "occurrence". Four and I get on warning. I already have two. And boy do they count them too! How nice. But working today is pointless. My concentration is goooone! I am wondering if I go, will I get to come back as a normal person? I am sooo dramatic sometimes.

Jodie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:33am

k, let's think for a minute...(HAHAHAHAHA!!!)

if you go back to the hospital...what is the worst thing that would happen...seriously.

now, can you trust yourself to NOT take the meds...?

be honest with me, jodie...i was just here in this same place, so you can't kid me!

you're either serious, or you're just venting about what you wish you could do, but you wouldn't do...which is it?

i am at work, but not working...and i have a MAJOR deadline to finish by the end of the day...gonna have to wing it somehow...i have no idea how to, though...

now, if you "did it" and came back...there is no normal...these other people out here, they aren't normal...they are crazy too, they just don't have any excuse for it! think about it...pick one person in your office...do they LOOK normal??? LOLOLOL probably not...do they ACT normal...probably not...its kinda funny when you think about it!

talk to me...i asked some questions above...

xoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 11:47am
I just spent the last hour sitting on the stairs here at work contemplating throwing myself down them. I just don't feel good today. Not good at all. I am not sure what I am going to do...It's all up in the air. I guess a lot of it depends on my strength. I don't have a lot of it right now. :(

Jodie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 11:59am

Apparently, I have a lot of strength, or so the pdocs say...use some of mine. Get your butt to the ER right now. I don't care about your job, I don't care about jack...but YOU. GO, JODIE. RIGHT NOW. You don't really want to die. You want to feel better.

Go. Take the first step and get in your car, and drive to the freaking ER. To hell with everything else. You don't want to feel like this tomorrow, so GO. I'm so very serious.

I want you to go.

Whatever you do, do NOT let me down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 1:57pm

Jodie,


PLEASE go to the ER NOW!!!

Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 4:15pm
I agree, go the ER now and get thelp and relief you need and crave so badly. It's not weakness, it's taking care of yourself the best you can.

littlemascara
Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 5:13pm

(((((((((((((((Jodie))))))))))))))))


How are you? I hope you are safe. Hang in there and do what you need to do to take care of yourself!


Love,
Amanda

co-cl of the Get Organized board

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