Pdoc Appointment Update...trigs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Pdoc Appointment Update...trigs...
7
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:25am

First of all, let me just say that my pdoc and their entire office, the psych nurse, and the "head" pdoc are working their butts off trying to help me. I didn't know that, and I didn't know how much they care for me, and I love them so much for it.

It went well. A lot of my problems cannot be solved with medication. My Bipolar is termed as ultradian cycling and is the hardest to treat Bipolar there is. I knew that already. I also suffer from major PTSD which stems from sexual abuse that happened to me when I was 7 years old. PTSD symptoms present much like the symptoms of BP and Borderline Personality Disorder (which I also have, but have never accepted.) BPD also comes from the abuse issues. PTSD and BPD have to be "treated" through intensive therapy, which I have yet to begin. I start therapy on 9/1. But my pdoc says I probably am not ready yet, for the intensive stuff, and that my therapist will "ease" me in very slowly and gradually. My pdoc says I have lots of very hard, very painful work ahead of me, and that my therapist will work with her, my pdoc, as to my readiness. My BP MUST be stable before I can go through it.

As for meds. I am still on Lithium 900 mgs. I am up to 250 mgs of Topamax right now and that could go up more, depending on my brain/cognitive function. I am up to 1 mg of Ativan 2 times a day and that could to up to 3 x a day if we have to. I am supposed to take some Seroquel at night and maybe during the day, but that's up to me, depending on my intrusive thoughts, and/or other needs.

My pdoc told me I was very well educated on Bipolar disorder, and other mental health issues affecting my life; that I was as educated as she was at this point. That I was ver well put together with everything that I had to deal with. That I was very high functioning, even if I was pretending at times.

She said I was EXTREMELY STRONG. I said, what? She said, yes, Kelly, you are SO VERY STRONG in your CORE being. She said that I have about triple to deal with compared to other Bipolars...because my disorder is so severe (not saying you guys don't have anything to deal with, please don't misunderstand!). She said she is always amazed at my strength in dealing with my disorder. I never beg for time off work. She asked me how I am managing to work right now period. I said, honestly, I don't know. I told her I am NOT doing a wonderful job. THat I am working on something I should have had done a week ago, that isn't done yet and today is the deadline. She siad, but you are doing it...and you aren't giving up. She said you never give up.

She said their office knows how hard of a time I have it when I cycle down, because I hit so hard so fast and they have a plan in place when I call and am in that place. They will talk me through it no matter when. To always call. They want to keep me OUT of the hospital. Meds aren't going to get it for me anymore. So I have to have you guys, my dh, my family, and MYSELF to get through my cycles.

So, I'm kinda having mixed feelings. I know I have a lot of work to do, and I have to do it myself. Meds are important, YES! But I've run my course of meds, and I have to use them as instructed, but I have to get through it with the help of my friends, my support group here...my dh, my mom and dad, and my doctors. But most importantly, I have to keep fighting for myself and for my life.

Just wanted to give you guys an update.

Love and thanks for all your support. I'm sorry for being such a flake lately. I do care about each and every one of you very much. I need you all.

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:32am

(((((Keli))))))))
I am glad to see that at least the appointment went ok and you have a better idea of what's ahead and now you know how much they are all pulling for you. Sometimes it just takes someone to shove it in our face before we see it. I agree with your pdoc...I dont see how you do everything you do either, I never saw you as weak at ALL. I dont even work and both my kids are in school all day and I still flake out...so dont be too hard on yourself. You have a hard road ahead but we are all here for you, and I know I speak for everyone when I say that. One day you will look back and see how far you have come, and have such a sense of pride that you went through it and came out on top. :)

Rebekah

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Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:37am

(((Keli)))


What a great feeling to know everyone there cares about you so much...that must feel so wonderful !!!


You are a strong person, I could tell that the minute I got on this board, from day one.


Dealing with ptsd sucks !!!

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:44am

what is most scary to me is that i have NEVER dealt with it...i'm 35 y/o in October and it has affected EVERY single area of my life...but we'll deal with that when the time comes...i hate it...it was family too...i remember it...but never told a soul, never my parents til february of this year...

didn't wanna deal with...would never really, but have no choice as i have never had MY OWN LIFE. anyway, ugh...

life must go on...

i don't know how i'm going to get this freaking assignment done today...no focus, thoughts are racing wildly...if i take ativan, i'll get too sleepy...guess i will just have figure out how to force myself to do it in a bit...

thanks for being here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 1:42pm

That's the way a pdoc's office SHOULD work, although sadly it doesn't often happen that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 2:04pm

Keli,

I too, thing you are very strong. You have such severe symtoms and yet handle them with such grace. I am glad you have such a great support system in your Pdoc and Family. That can make such a huge difference. Hang in there and keep your head up, you are doing great.

Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 2:07pm

my support system would not be complete without all of YOU here either...truly.

love and hugs,

keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 5:18pm

Keli, It sounds like you have alot of work ahead of you, but you are on the right track. I had to go through alot to deal with my brother sexually abusing me through therapy. I know the road and pain you have to go through. I can tell you when you are done you will feel much better and look at things differently. I also have PTSD from the abuse and watching my mom get beat all the time. My childhood was NEVER in the least stable. I also could never build long term friendships if at all because we were always moving. I went to 8 different elementary schools.

I am so proud of you for going ahead with therapy. It takes alot of work. But I know my Keli can do it. YOU ARE STRONG. SOOOOOOOOO STRONG. Of coarse you get low downs and messed up mania but girl you are a surivor. You keep on keeping on. I want you to know I love you and I will be thinking of you.

Love ya,

Tina~