SO is Bipolar (long)
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| Wed, 08-24-2005 - 11:11am |
Hi,
I've posted here before to ask questions concerning my relationship with a man who suffers from bipolar disorder. You've all been very helpful in the past, and I'm hoping you can help me out again.
I have been involved with my SO for a little over a year. I knew when I met him that he was bipolar. I suffer from depression/anxiety, and have been in therapy and on medication for it, so I am not completely in the dark as far as mental health issues are concerned. I am 30, and he is 38. When I met him, he was not getting any treatment; for the last 3 months, he has been going to therapy (although not regularly because he has been between jobs and can't afford to go on a weekly or even bi-weekly basis.) And he has been taking Risperdol and Valium. He has a pdoc that he respects, but who does not accept health insurance or work with him on a sliding scale. He just started a full-time job with bennies a couple weeks ago, and my hope is that he will be able to start seeing his pdoc on a regular basis, which will enable him to try out a broader range of treatments and medications than he has had the opportunity to experience.
He his lows are very low, but his highs are characterized by agitation, anger and fast-paced thinking rather than anything that resembles euphoria. His mood swings cycle very fast. One day he wants to have a baby, because "bringing up another human being is the only way to find meaning", and the next day he wants to be alone for the rest of his life because other people make him feel like a terrible person.
When I go through my dark spells (I'm currently battling one), he goes from being supportive, to belittling me, to breaking up with me, to needing me.
As it stands now, I am at a loss as to how I am supposed to interact with him at all. It seems like he just wants me to be there in the room with him. Whatever I say is the wrong thing. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time. It feels like a double standard because he is allowed to last out at me with no repercussions, but if I challenge him or ask him for anything, I'm not being supportive, or I'm making him feel like a bad person. And then he'd rather walk away from me.
Now for my question, where do I draw the line between loving him and being a supportive partner, and just being a doormat with no self-esteem for him to use as his whipping post?
What do you expect of your SOs? We don't live together, but we've talked about the possibility of marriage down the line. When he is very angry and irritable, I'd rather not be with him at all (those traits are triggers for me), but then he accuses me of not loving him and not being there for him. Is this reasonable? Are we just incompatible? Do our respective mental problems just make this a bad match?
Any insight you can shed would be appreciated. He has brought up the idea of couple's counseling, which I think would be a good idea. If you can give me any adive, I'll be very grateful.
Thank you.

Hi and welcome back! I am currently in the same sort of place your SO is. Its NOT fair to YOU (or my dh), but it is what it is. Its not fair to me that I have Bipolar either. It all comes down to unconditional love, yes...but you CANNOT allow yourself to be abused either. Its your choice. What do YOU think you can live with? Its not going away, even with couples counseling. Yes, I know that I can be very unreasonable when I'm in a "bad" manicky phase. But it doesn't change the fact that I want my dh to fix it and if he can't, then I yell at him. No, that isn't fair. But it is what it is.
Being Bipolar and living with someone who is Bipolar has many many many shades of gray. Its up to you to figure out how many shades you can deal with.
Its not going to be easy. In fact, its going to be very difficult. Maybe you should seek counseling of your own before you make any kind of decisions, even the decision to go to couples counseling with your SO.
Its not ALL bad either! There are MANY fun, rewarding times too. My dh wouldn't trade them for anything. But I always always make VERY sure to keep it STRAIGHT in my mind that I not hurt him for real. I even have to make notes on my cell phone sometimes that pop up at me. Whatever it takes.
We all get angry. The key is making sure you don't let the anger take over. Even those of us with BP can ensure that is controlled by seeing our pdocs and taking our meds.
Good luck. It sounds like you are already having doubts. Anyone in your place would be. Risperdal isn't a mood stablizer, so your SO really needs to get on additional meds when he can.
If you have other questions, please feel free to post. I'm sure others with post.
You may find some information here www.nami.com
Keli
Thanks for responding.
I know I've got to make some tough choices. I have my own self-esteem and depression to keep tabs on. I find the hardest times are when we both feel that we need to be selfish for our own good, because then we both feel that we are hurting eachother at the same time.
He hasn't been getting consistent treatment since I've met him, so I hope the next few months will get him on the right track with the treatment he needs. The fact that he is embracing the Risperdal is a huge step, IMO. When I met him, he thought all drug treatment was a load of crap, and was self-medicating with pot and valium. He hasn't smoked pot in two months (had to pass a drug test to get this new job).
We'll see what happens. Thanks again for answering.
You're welcome. I know about self medicating. Its so hard to find the "right" meds...I'm not saying that Risperdal isn't going to help, its probably helping a lot! Its just not a typical stabilizer.
Best of luck to both of you. Its okay for you to feel selfish sometimes too, by the way. Its tough, but its okay!
Hugs,
Keli
God could not be everywhere, so
You are SO totally NOT incompetent Miss Thang! I've just been there done that for longer than you have, unfortunately.
You live something for so long, you learn the language, etc...is what my pdoc said this morning...that I am now as educated as she was about BP. She was very serious about it too.
Don't you dare feel incompetent!
Love,
k.